


A Spring Mother and Her Baby Carrot

by SSVCloud, unnoun



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: "female-presenting nipples", (Her name isn't actually Bulma Briefs because only the Sons have a surname), Action/Adventure, Akira Toriyama Has No Sense Of Scale, Alien Biology, Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage, Attempt at Humor, Awesome Bulma Briefs, Cannibalistic Thoughts, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Confused Son Goku (Dragon Ball), Developmentally Disabled Son Goku (Dragon Ball), Gen, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Other, Partial Nudity, Public Nudity, Saiyan Culture, Saiyan Instincts, Slow Build, Trans Male Character, Women Being Awesome, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2019-08-07 14:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 56,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16409861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SSVCloud/pseuds/SSVCloud, https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnoun/pseuds/unnoun
Summary: After her old life as a low-class weakling and two different kinds of butcher were put to a decisive and final end along with the rest of her people, Son Gine's only remaining hope is to live out her remaining days and see her baby boy Kaka- er, that is, Son Goku grow up.But within the two of them still lives a warrior's pride, no matter what form it takes or how she tries to deny it, and maybe that will make all the difference in the end.





	1. Bloomers and the Stinky Onion!

**Author's Note:**

> unnoun: So, I'm a single mom, and a fan of Dragon Ball, and suddenly my thought was "What if this was the story of a single mom like me".
> 
> Also Jaco the Galactic Patrolman is the best piece of any Dragon Ball media and Dragon Ball Minus is the perfect punchline to it sorry not sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unnoun: So, I am aware, in case anyone asks, that MasakoX of TFS fame has a bunch of videos of this sort of AU, this fic probably wont have too much to do with those because _I didn't like them_ and I disagree with him on, like, so many points.
> 
> This chapter at least was mostly written by me, and I honestly don't know if our dear and lovely SSVCloud will contribute much directly from here on out (and I dont expect him to, he has so much other work on his plate and he's a good boy that doesnt need a mean old lady like me putting extra pressure on him) but! This fic wouldn't exist if not for him inspiring me with his hard work on his own Dragon Ball fics! And basically every word I've written so far was preceded by me yelling at him a bunch in PMs, when normally when I write I just yell at myself. So that's why I clicked the Add Co-Creator button.
> 
> I probably could have done this as a Gift-Fic or added an inspired by thing instead, but. I just didn't think of it. Start as you mean to go on I guess! So let's get this incompetence train rolling!
> 
> I, uh, low-key hate the word 'canon' (it used to be _super_ high-key, but I guess parenthood or old age has mellowed me out a lot lol) but this fic will probably be more similar/based on the manga (specifically the official English versions by Viz) than the anime, if only because in my old age and as someone with a full-time job and responsibilities as a teacher and a parent it's just easier for me to read an early-to-mid 80s Gag Manga than to sit through someone powering up for three episodes in a row.
> 
> There's stuff I love about the anime, Japanese and English, Kai or otherwise, and for the record I do at least enjoy TFS's DBZA for what it is, and as someone who loves snappy, witty dialogue I dunno that I'll be able to resist getting a nod or two in there. But while I hate some people who call themselves "manga purists" they're broadly right that the manga is better-paced than the anime?
> 
> I'm also a consumer of fandom, and I write fanfic because I love it, so I might possibly accidentally "borrow" something from someone else, but if I ever reference something directly and purposely or if I catch one of my accidental slips I promise I'll link it!
> 
> Oh, and, [this is what the tag about surnames is referring to,](https://mobile.twitter.com/KaiserNeko/status/1057078465885888512) by the way. Videl in the Great Saiyaman saga in the manga says Son Gohan is the only person she knows with a family name, and she also specifically says it's "old-fashioned" so.

 

 _"Long, Long ago, in a deep, dark forest far from civilization, beyond a towering range of... well, you get the idea. It's the kind of place a story like this has to begin..."_ \- Akira Toriyama, 1984

 

 

* * *

  **AGE 749, SEPTEMBER 1ST**

 

 

"Find the Dragon Balls, look out for 'em all, duh duh duh duh duh" sang a lavender-haired young girl to herself as she drifted her custom-modified "Turbo" car around the winding curves of a mountain road, grinning to herself as she felt the centrifugal force from the inertia pulling at her, threatening to pull her and the vehicle over the side to the cliffs below. People, especially  _boys_ , always asked her why she bothered with such outdated tech when her family sold  _flying cars_ — nevermind that she was the one who worked out the mechanics for the gravity control system herself, and if not for her work at the tender age of five her father's company might never have been able to negotiate for the license, and the Earth-based patent was _still_ _in her name_ — so, if none of them could understand how much sheer thrill there was in feeling the ground bounce beneath the tread of her tires, or the slight hum or rumble of an engine, then to hell with them. After graduating from West City University and now finally finishing her first PHD, Bulma, heiress to Capsule Corporation, was sick of it. If even all the money in the world (which she _had_ ) couldn't get her a perfect boyfriend, or even a _decent_ one, then maybe ancient myths and legends could.

(She was  _still_ mad that, even after all her work on the thing, apparently all that two-star ball was worth was— gasp— a  _passing grade_ , and, no, of  _course_ she wasn't doing this all purely out of spite.)

As she rounded a corner onto a straightaway, she gunned it, the scenery passing her by rapidly as the mountainside blurred into an elevated plain blurred into trees blurred into a forest, and she grinned as she saw, in the distance, a small slope-roofed cottage, with what appeared to be a pair of humanoid silhouettes next to it.  _Finally, people! As long as I play my cards right, maybe I can get them to help me..._ she thought to herself, speeding up towards her goal and not seeing the small child carrying a massive fish walking in front of her on the road until it was much too late to do anything but swerve hard and 'only' hit them with one of her sides. The kid went flying, colliding face-first with a tree on the side of the road. She paused, her heart almost stopping, the world seeming to slow down around her as she looked towards the house, where the people seemed to stop what they were doing to check on the commotion, and then she glanced back towards the kid she just killed, who  _holy shit was still moving—!_

She shrieked as her car was lifted into the air and thrown, the shitty little brat hollering something about a monster —which, if you asked her, was more the sort of word for something that  _casually picked up and threw cars—_ and as she crawled through the window and saw the child stalking towards her with wild hair and some sort of weapon in its hands, she did what she thought any perfectly reasonable person would do when confronted with some sort of super strong zombie child and emptied a full clip into the kid's face. She didn't even get a chance to regret it, as, even as she squeezed the trigger until the clip emptied, she saw the kid just  _take it_ and only seemed to clutch its head in pain momentarily before hopping back to their feet, and seeming, if anything, even angrier. "Alright you demon! Is that all your tricks," the child— a boy— called, "Because now it's my turn! And my grandpa trained me to be strong enough not to need any witchcraft!"

Bulma scrambled out of the window and to her feet, on the ground, her heart racing and stomach churning in panic, but still some small part of her loved every second of it. "I'm a human! Like you!" She was unable to keep herself from smiling a little, despite it being vastly inappropriate and contrary to how she really felt. After how boring the last ball was, part of her had been craving the adrenaline. She kept herself still, keeping her hands in the air as the boy walked around her, staring at her, even... wait, was he  _sniffing her?_

The boy frowned as he came to a stop in front of her, and as she glanced at the house she saw the two people, seemingly adults were back to going about their business, whatever it was, seemingly not interested in her or her fate. "Say," the boy started, "Are you a girl? Because you look and smell slightly like my mama only a lot weaker."

Bulma blinked as the boy circled around her another time. ' _Weaker'? 'Smelled'?_   "Well, yeah, your mom and I are both girls."  _Probably,_  she added to herself, before freezing and letting out a shriek when the brat's stick started pushing up the back of her skirt.

"Where's your tail?" the boy asked, as a brown furred tail swished through the air from where it protruded from his backside. "Are you really that old?"

 _"Old?"_ Bulma hissed through her teeth, shocked beyond belief, beyond  _words_ that he could dare say such a thing to her.

"How'd you tame that monster?"

"IT'S CALLED A CAR YOU RUDE HICK!" she screeched, so loudly and so high the boy clutched his ears, (and, if anyone bothered to look, one of the people by the house did the same) and the remaining windows and mirrors on her already dented car shattered.

The word 'hick' seemed to echo through the countryside, as the boy stared at her, and she stared at her car, as the wheels in the air finally fell off their axles and the already loose side door fell off its hinge with a 'thunk'.

"Huh, so this is a car," the kid commented, poking the side once and, thankfully, not damaging it (what was left of it) any more. "It  _does_ look cool, but kinda flimsy too?"

While he inspected the wreckage, Bulma took out a round device from a pocket in her clothes, grinning to herself when she switched it on, before quickly turning it back off and hiding it once more. "Say, you wouldn't happen to be able to take me to your mom, would you kiddo?" 

"Huh?" The kid looked up from where he was sniffing the car's tailpipe to her, then the giant fish sitting by the road, which he grabbed before starting back towards the house while waving her to follow with his tail in what could best be described as a 'come hither' or 'follow me' motion. "Oh, right, sure! My grandpa is always saying to be nice to girls, you can have dinner with us!"

Bulma grinned, pulling out her radar and glancing between it and the house ahead. Things were looking up.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Son Gine fidgeted, messing up her stance for the thousandth time that day while her papa circled around her patiently, inspecting her posture as he went, and occasionally, with a glance at her to get her attention and permission, (sometimes accompanied by a sharp whistle when her attention strayed, as it was now,) placing his hands on her to adjust it.

She still couldn't help but to try to crane her head towards where her son and his new friend (a  _human_ ) came closer up the path.

"So, are you from a big city?" her son asked.

"Well, yeah, from the West District," came the reply, the girl's gaze far-off and searching, glancing between the house, the woods around them, and a small device clutched in her hand, but never bothering to pay Gine's son, her father, or herself the slightest bit of attention.

It honestly reminded Gine more than a little of a certain young prince she used to know.

A harsh whistle shook her out of her thoughts, forcing her to look up at her papa, sheepish, and taken aback and nauseous with guilt as always when she saw his condition.  _Three days every twenty-eight is too frequent,_ she thought to herself,  _if not for me and my... condition— and even then I'm probably hurting him more than I'm helping— he would be..._

She shook herself as his expression briefly hardened back to the harder martial arts master, only softening back into her papa's silly and warm grin once he was sure he had her attention. "I think it's time we took a break for the day," he said kindly, "And see to our guest. It's never too early to teach Goku hospitality."

Gine nodded, not trusting herself not to speak without crying, and set around towards the back of the house towards the firepit and communal seating, not that they ever used it up till now, but papa was a strong believer in openness towards strangers. Which might have been a bit strange, considering how he lived so far away from any of them, but it's not like Gine had any place to judge. As she set up the logs her sun had cut in the pit, and prepared the spit for the fish and the pots with water from the well for rice, bringing everything near the chopping board where the pods containing their dried seasonings were gathered, she paused, as she always did, when she came face to face with the round pod sitting there in the middle of their cooking and living space.

She  _knew_ she should have blown the damned thing up up after the little 'incident' two or three days ago, but she'd been so worried about patching up papa that she'd forgotten all about it.

 Too late, she realized the trio were coming around towards her instead of stepping inside the house, so there was no time to hide it anywhere. As her son and papa and the girl came around the corner (her boy thankfully on his very best behavior, his posture stiff and respectful) there was a pause as the girl took in the pod, running over to inspect it, before pausing, walking up to Gine, and grabbing her tail, even as it held a knife for chopping vegetables.

 _Definitely like the prince then,_ Gine thought, her body freezing even as she carefully set her knives down on the chopping bench.  _But I thought this planet's king was blue, not purple, and also a different species?_

"Mom, mom!" Goku shouted, grabbing the fabric of her skirt and pulling, and earning a smile from her as she put her hand on that familiar (oh, so, _achingly_ familiar) head of hair pausing as she always did when her hand went over that nasty, formerly-raw, upraised bit of scar tissue on his scalp. "Mom! Her name is Bloomers!"

Gine paused, and then snorted, before guffawing loudly with what seemed like her entire body, unable to stop.  _Bloomers?? HAW!_

"I apologize for my daughter, miss," papa's expression taking that mischievous, unsubtle, upturned and lopsided grin that made it clear he wasn't really all  _that_ sorry. "Bloomers is a fine, traditional name— for the West District."

"IT'S _BULMA_ **!** " the girl shrieked, diving for the old man, and for a moment time seemed to slow down, Gine's concern going to what might happen if he fell— but, of course, papa simply stepped out of the way, gently locking his good arm around her angry fist and gently swinging her around with her momentum, almost like one of those 'dances' he had tried to show her and her son, before finally gently lowering the lavender-haired girl down into one of the chairs by the fire with a confused and slightly green look on her face.

Gine went back to her chopping, while her son and father cleaned and gutted the fish, and the girl sat in front of the fire, her expression going from dazed, to bored, to annoyed fairly rapidly. Gine deciding to make a game for herself, counting how long until the girl exploded, before she was interrupted by a shout from her son: "GRANDPA! SHE STOLE YOUR BALLS!"

...What.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Son Gohan and the young city girl sat in front of the table, where the three glass gemstones —'Dragon Balls' sat next to each other, glowing in tandem. The one Bulma had started with in the clutter of her family's disorganized storage had two stars, the one she had found in a cave had five stars, while the one Gohan had uncovered bore four stars gleaming within, no matter what angle you looked at it from. "So, I don't suppose you're going to make a bead necklace with them?" 

The girl Bulma seemed about to say something rude before almost visibly biting it back.  _Such ill manners. Definitely a West District lass this one._

 "Well," the girl began slowly, "The stories say, if you gather all seven, and perform the incantation, you can summon the mighty Shenron, and He will grant any one wish!"

He kept his eyes focused on the girl, but he noticed the way his student and surrogate daughter stiffened in the background. He felt for the ki of the two young women, trying to judge and keep an accurate reading of their intentions as he asked Bulma what, precisely, she intended to wish for.

"A lifetime supply of strawberries!" the girl said, a definite lie, and causing Gine to actually snap her head to look at the girl, her expression unreadable and her ki in flux. A mix of disbelief, anger, and... hunger? Or was that jealousy?

He gave Bulma the flattest look he could, to show his disbelief, as his thoughts circled around the girl who lived at his home and whom he called 'daughter'.

"...Well, okay. That was what I was going to wish for at first," Bulma said sheepishly, and her ki rang steady and true. "But now I've decided that what I want most is a perfect boyfriend!"

That also rang true, and Gohan was content with that answer; she could have his trinket. A selfish motive, perhaps, but ultimately not nefarious.

...It'd be a little funny when it came back to bite her too.

Speaking of biting, his attention turned once more towards Gine and her ki signature, as she carried a dish in each hand, one on her tail, and one on her head. When the word 'boyfriend' was mentioned it seemed to spark confusion in her, as it did when she didn't know a word on Earth, but also a degree of recognition and melancholy as sometimes happened when she looked at her son, or when he explained concepts of Earthling courtship and love.

She had never spoken about the details of her past, not in depth, but he knew enough. A deep sorrow and guilt was etched in her deeper than the bone, to her very spirit itself, and it hurt him deeply to see someone so young, so strong, (and, he had to admit, objectively, so pretty) be so troubled.

The fact that she claimed to have never known her parents even before she'd lost her home had sealed it for him. As attractive as she may have been on that day when she'd arrived on his doorstep, a lover and that sort of companionship was the last thing either of them had needed. So he'd molded himself into a father and grandfather instead. And now, as he looked and saw her sitting down, staring at the glass orbs, not even touching her food (alarming, considering what he knew of her appetite) he felt the deepest shame at once even having considered any other possibility.

He saw Goku staring at his mother's plate, and as the boy made a lunge for it he quickly grabbed his grandson by the tail. She needed as much food as her son, the last thing either of them needed was to compete with each other. Instead, since she had, as always, over done the portions on his meal, Gohan offered Goku some of the leftovers he was never going to eat, carefully adjusting the dish and the boy with his good arm so as not to disturb his arm in its sling. "Can I come too!?" Goku said through a mouthful of food, sitting still now that he was able to keep getting his belly filled.

Gohan's eyes widened at this, and when he saw Gine simply smiling and nodding he knew he'd have to put his foot down.  _The next real moon is only 8 days away, whatever else this girl may be, she certainly doesn't deserve **that.**_

"I don't suppose this journey is perilous, young lady? Perhaps we should accompany you as well," he said while simultaneously thinking about how lucky he was to still have his eye after a giant monkey's finger had been in it three nights ago.

Gine's head snapped up in alarm, while Bulma's face took on a nervous, guilty expression. "I mean," she hedged, a gleam in her eyes hinting at her wanting the assistance, but accompanied by a guilt that seemed to flash every time she actually saw him. "I wouldn't want to trouble you, or get you in any danger..."

Gohan smiled kindly, the way he sometimes did before snapping a bandit's neck, though not, of course, that anyone else present possibly knew that. "I may be an old man, but I'm far tougher than I look," he said cheerfully, before looking down and acting as if he was just noticing his arm's presence in a sling for the first time. "Present condition notwithstanding," he allowed, laughing.

"You look like you got in a fight with a bear," Bulma said bluntly.

"I wish," Gohan muttered, before freezing when he saw Gine's hurt expression.

"Grandpa says any good fight is the one you walk away from, dontcha grandpa?" Goku said, still with his mouth full. Gohan considered holding his jaw closed, then considered the strong possibility of losing his one good hand and left it alone. It was all about picking your battles. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Goku was excited. He was going on an adventure! 

As he helped wash the dishes with the Bulma girl and his mom and grandpa packed their stuff to go inside the house, he couldn't help but bounce on his feet a little. Bulma got upset and screeched at him for getting dirty water on her clothes but he couldn't help it! Besides, there was soap in it, so what did it matter?

After they finished, and his mom appeared in a hurry to grab the clean dishes to start packing them, he looked around to see where Bulma went, as she walked towards the road staring at some round screen thing, and pulled out something from her pocket which she tossed at the ground and  _exploded!?_

"Are you sure you're not a demon!?" Goku shouted, as his grandpa stood next to him with an equally surprised look on his face as they stared at the strange metal contraption the girl/demon/witch had made materialize. "Because this sure seems like witchcraft to me!"

Bulma turned and glared at them. "Why do you people act like you've never seen a Dyno-Cap before!?"

"That's probably because we haven't," Gohan admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

"What!?" Bulma asked in shock.

"Ready to go," Goku's mom announced, her face serious, and her arms secured in a bamboo harness carrying what seemed to be their futons, pillows, tables, dishes, utensils, all their stored water barrels, dried food, clothes, and nearly everything else they had.  _Are we going to be gone forever,_ Goku wondered, suddenly worried about what this adventure might entail.

Bulma raised an eyebrow at the stack. "I don't have any general storage capsules on me right now."

Grandpa shook his head. "It's such a shame to leave our lawn ornament behind," he said, nodding in the direction of the metal ball thingy.

Bulma looked at their orma- oral- the thingy again, like she'd forgotten about it (to be fair, so did Goku most of the time) and was surprised to see it. "Uh, could I borrow it from you guys one day?"

Goku's mom got a funny look on her face, but his grandpa just adopted one of his silly smiles. "Maybe someday, but for now I think we need to get on the move."

Bulma frowned, as she took in the four of them. "Uh, my bike can only seat one extra person..."

Goku's mom floated off the ground, and Bulma just stared with her mouth open, like a fish! It was pretty funny.

"We'll be fine following behind you youngsters," Gohan said calmly.

Bulma shrugged, and hopped on, and Grandpa grabbed Goku by the back of his shirt and put him in the seat behind her. "Alright! Lets go!" Bulma shouted, before suddenly her bike made a loud noise and her bike's front wheel went up into the air, and they zoomed forward faster than Goku had ever gone before.

"HEY! WHADDYA THINK YOU'RE GRABBING, KID?!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

  

There was a time in Son Gohan's life when he might have objected more to being carried bridal style by a woman half his age, (and who looked even younger, that Bulma girl probably had more stress lines and wrinkles on her face,) but at this point, he was much more concerned about the trouble the youngest kids he now found under his charge had already gotten themselves into.

Gine flew him down to the ground, and nearly dropped him before zooming ahead, and then stopping, and then zooming ahead, and then stopping.

Gohan extended his senses as he stood silently on a hill, reaching for the ki signatures around him, so he was aware of it all while Goku tried fruitlessly to make the bike go up a ramp towards the girl and the pterosaur, while Gine hovered nervously in the air, darting towards Bulma and her captor aggressively, then darting back out of nervousness.

Gohan leaned his body so that the sheathe in his back was pointed in what his ki sense told him was the right direction and then said, as blandly as he could, "Power Pole Extend."

As he'd calculated and anticipated, the magical artefact kept going, accelerating even in its growth speed, until its tip hit the large flying beast in the temple, killing it instantly and causing its head and then the rest of its body to spin around in a literal death spiral. Bulma dropped, and Goku jumped out of the motorcycle to catch her, while Gine dove through the air to catch _him—_

And all three were, ultimately, caught by the face of the cliff on the opposite side of the ravine.

 _I could swear she's strong enough to go through that,_ he thought to himself, as his daughter peeled herself off the solid rock wall and then grabbed her son, his friend, and the newly mangled vehicle and flew them back to ground level.  _Not that I should be encouraging her to deface the geography, but still._

There was a loud thump and a crash, loud enough that Gohan jumped, caught surprised by the way the large flying beast crashed down closer to him than when he'd hit it. He couldn't feel its ki signature after it passed so he'd stopped paying attention to it after the final blow was struck, clearly a mistake.

As the three youngsters came back up the hill towards him, he noticed the sudden hungry, almost ravenous looks on the faces of the two with darker hair and monkey tails.

...Considering how hesitant she'd been about hurting or attacking the beast while it was alive, and comparing it to how ready she seemed to eat it, (and even _butcher_ it, seeing her bring out her knife set,) now that it was dead, part of him still really wasn't sure he entirely understood his daughter's character even after these last twelve years.

For a brief moment, part of him wondered whether she'd be so quick to eat him after he passed, and really wished that he hadn't.

After seeing Bulma open a house with one of her newfangled city capsules, he decided to join her, casually lifting the supplies from his hut where Gine had sat them down on the side of the hill, and hoped that the young city girl would let him put things up in her closet and living space while they traveled together.

...Then again, in his experience, as bad as it was to wonder whether he'd ever be eaten by his adopted child, at least he was pretty sure she wouldn't eat him until after he died, and at least with everything he knew about her he knew that she had an  _excuse_. He'd still rather take his chances with her and any other aliens or monsters or dinosaurs over being eaten alive by, ugh, _city living_.

"These damned capsules are  _worse_ than witchcraft," he muttered angrily to himself as he carried everything he owned into the strange woman's stranger home. "At least witchcraft has some damned _soul_ to it."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 Gine wrinkled her nose at the same time as the human girl did when Goku came through the door right behind her." Goku, I think it's about time for your bath this week," she told her son.

"You don't smell much better lady!" Bulma screeched, prompting Gine to pause and sniff at the armpit of her dress before recoiling. The girl had a point, she had to admit.

She turned to see if her papa needed any help finishing packing, only to realize she couldn't see him anywhere in the strange house. She couldn't smell him either, she realized, starting to panic, but just as she was about to cry out for him he came out of a door in the back of the home, already dressed in his nightclothes with his skin slightly red (from heat?) and his wispy hair funnily puffy in the way it always was after he dried himself quickly with his battle power.

The girl seem surprised and, for a moment, angry that he had been back there, but was distracted when Kakarot seemed about to sit down on the soft cushiony piece of furniture by the wall.

"NOPE! Both of you are getting in the tub now!" She announced, shoving Gohan out of the way to that back room, and dragging Kakarot by the tail with her.

Papa didn't stumble, and simply smoothly went along with the girl's force, but still Gine went to check on him, causing him to simply grin at her as he always did. "Best not to keep her waiting," he suggested, and so she sighed and followed.

As she followed into the bathroom, she idly noted the tiles and how vaguely similar but still markedly different they were to her own past experience, before she set to the task of undressing, pulling her clothes off and sorting them, her orange dress with her Papa's orange outerwear, her son's blue clothes in a pile along with their wristbands and, as he struggled with it as always, she helped him peel off his blue skintight battleshorts, before finally peeling off her own black leggings.

She had considered hiding them along with the rest of the equipment they had with them when they first arrived, but after the first 'incident' many years ago her papa had suggested how practical it might be to keep clothes that could grow with them, and practicality had prevailed.

Kaka—

 

No, she reminded herself,  _Goku_ , her son's name was _Goku_ — Goku climbed into the porcelain bowl completely naked with no grace and even less shame, and a part of her couldnt help but smile in amusement. She made to follow after him, but still graciously took the cotton when it was offered to her, wrapping it around herself before steeling herself for the task ahead of her:

 

Getting her son clean.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

—whatthefuck _whatthefuckwhatthe **FUCK**_ they have _tails_!?

After stepping out from her own bath Bulma couldn't help but to stare openly at the pair of country savages (the audacity of this _bitch_ , looking at her like _she_ was the strange one when she offered a spare razor to shave with?? not to mention the _audacity_ of being a mom and actually looking _younger_ and _in better shape_ than _Bulma,_ ) as they groomed themselves after the bath, the woman looking for all the world like a mama monkey as she wrapped her limbs around her child to hold him still while she dug around in his hair, like she was looking for flees or termites or lice. Did these people  _have_ fleas or termites or lice? Like hell was she offering to let these freaks into _her_ bed. She made a disgusted noise and flipped on the TV and flopped onto the couch, recoiling slightly when she realized the old man was already sitting there quietly next to where she sat down, smiling genially at her, and she'd forgotten all about him.

 _He's too damned_ quiet, she thought to herself. _Nobody_ normal _is that quiet. Probably some freak or pervert just waiting for me to forget all about him so he can watch me change—_

"Mommy? What are those people doing?"

Bulma looked up and realized that both of the other adults were blushing slightly as she became gradually aware of a series of moaning and slapping sounds filling the space and _oh shit she'd left it on **that** channel_ —

Bulma, mortified, avoided eye contact with everyone else in the room as she flipped the channel over, trying to find something, _anything_ else to watch before bed.

Eventually she found a soap opera, not very intellectually stimulating, (or, other kinds of stimulating) but it was just the sort of trashy entertainment her mom liked and her sister wrote, (albeit her sister tended to write it with more laser guns, logic problems with robots and hot aliens,) the perfect thing to settle down to before bed.

Goku looked at the images on the screen with wonder, then confusion, and then boredom, and Gohan, after an initial raised eyebrow of skepticism, didn't seem to find it especially offensive, even nodding a bit at times when something happened that seemed to meet his approval.

When Bulma looked over at Gine however, she was almost taken aback by the other woman's expression. "Papa," she finally spoke up, "What's a twin?"

The old man blinked and glanced at her before answering, "It's whan two babies are born from the same pregnancy."

The woman's face grew white, and her eyes widened in shock and fear. "THAT'S A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN!!?" she shouted, causing her son to jump in her lap.

The eldest of the Son family nodded, seeming to regret the evident upset this information gave his daughter, but for some reason he pressed on, adding "There's also triplets, with three babies."

Bulma thought the look on the young mother's face, like she was going to faint, was hilarious, so the heiress decided to go for what she hoped was the knockout blow: "There's also quadruplets and quintuplets and more, the world record is octuplets, where one mom had eight kids."

Bulma grinned, waiting for her victim to collapse and hit the floor, but unfortunately, that victory never came.

Goku however, got confused "But, wait, then what's an evil twin," he asked, nodding his head towards the program on the screen, "Are one of them always evil?"

Gohan shook his head "Not any more so than anyone else, but you have to admit," he said with a smile, "It's more dramatic when there's two people that look alike, and one gets confused with the other, eh?"

 _'Dramatic'? More like cliche,_ Bulma thought, while Goku asked "But then why dont people just sniff them harder? Nobody's butts smell exactly the same," and, as if to demonstrate this, the strange little boy put his head between his mother's legs and then Bulma's, taking a large and loud inhale each time.

Bulma glared. "Oi! Genie!"

"My name is Gine," she replied automatically.

"Aren't you going to tell him that sniffing people is rude and creepy???" Bulma demanded. She might have once thought her parents were a bit strange and hands-off, but honestly, what was _with_ these people?

Gine, to Bulma's surprise and mortification, just seemed _confused_. "It is??" she asked in surprise. "But, then, how are you supposed to known what sex they are, or their class or their health or—"

"JUST DON'T SNIFF PEOPLE! IT'S NOT HARD!" Bulma snapped back, before finally turning off the TV in disgust. "That's it, I can't deal with this, I'm going to bed."

She turned off the lights and walked over to her bed on the side of the room, only to find that the other woman and her kid were already curled up in it, seemingly fast asleep. She went to shake them awake and  _out_ , but was dissuaded by the old man— Gohan, she reminded herself, (like 'Bloomers' was so much sillier than  _rice_?) shaking his head at her. "They will not wake up no matter what you do, and Goku bites in his sleep sometimes. And when he wakes up. Make sure you sleep with Gine between you and him." With that said, the old man walked over to his neatly sorted pile of belongings where he'd stashed them in her empty closet, pulled out a futon and pillow and then somehow immediately went to sleep on the floor.

Bulma grumped and grumbled and finally, after shooting them with her uzi and having to dodge the ricochets, climbed her way over the tailed hillbillies so she was on the other side, closer to the window. No sooner had she done so, than a pair of strong arms immediately wrapped around her, pulling her way closer than she had ever wanted to be to the other young woman. _"My baby Radish, so grown up,"_   came the low mumbled whisper, followed by a soft kiss in her hair, before switching into a series of other, even lower sounds, maybe a language Bulma didn't know? Mixed in were even _more_ words for fricking vegetables like 'burdock' and 'cacarrot' and part of Bulma grew even more annoyed at how ridiculous it was that she apparently had to deal with a bunch of weirdos now.

...But another, smaller part of her, that had been long buried since she had fought and screamed and begged for her independence and her own place in her father's lab since before she could even walk, found that she honestly  _missed_ being held like this without even realizing it, the comfort of a mother-figure protecting her through the night, and it was this Bulma that quickly won out, drifting to sleep to dream of princes of vegetables and beautiful succulent pomelo fruits, strawberries, and everything else she craved, earning her the all the rest she needed for the adventures to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Power levels are bullshit, but I know what fandom this is, so.
> 
> Gine's ["gentle personality"](http://www.kanzenshuu.com/translations/episode-bardock-akira-toriyama-super-qa/) is why she "wasn’t cut out as a warrior" and in Dragon Ball you can still get in danger if you don't fight back, or let your guard down or any number of things, so I don't want to hear it. [Apparently Raditz was an "Upper-Level Warrior"](http://www.kanzenshuu.com/translations/saikyo-jump-january-2018-we-asked-akira-toriyama-sensei-saiyan-special-qa/) which from what I can tell, simply means that his Power Level grew quickly enough naturally that they decided to put him on a purging squad right away instead of starting as an infiltrator baby beforehand and then joining a squad.
> 
> Gine says being an infiltrator baby is dangerous, which _could_ mean she was one herself, but firstly Toriyama agrees with her and says very few survived, and since you have to slaughter a population before they'll let you come back home, I don't think she and her "gentle personality" did that.
> 
> She probably killed, like, one or two or maybe a few hundred people on Bardock's squad, and she was definitely complicit in what the squad did, but she was also bad at it and didn't like doing it. She didn't slaughter thousands or millions herself.
> 
> ...If you're gonna force me to give her a power level number, Imma say 1,300. Stronger than a Saibaman, slightly less than Raditz's 1,500, and 13 is unlucky in, at least, my culture, which could reflect her needing to be saved.
> 
> Anyway, aside from that, Grandpa Gohan is the strongest human on Earth right now and he's somewhere between Jackie Chun at the 21st and Tien (180, by the way, apparently) at the 22nd, so. I dunno. 150. Why not.
> 
> Oh, and more importantly, for literary (well, fan-literary) references ["The Gods Themselves"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10423641) is just too good, so I had to throw a reference to it in there, specifically with some of the lines about Bulma doing a thesis on the Dragon Balls because of course she did.
> 
> I think in my head, the theme tune might be [the Tokyo Brass Style cover of Makafushigi Adventure](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmmz48z3n9w) At least, for now anyway, and they've got covers of Cha-La Head Cha-La too.


	2. The Turtle Hermit and the Sea Monkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, is there a tag like "mentions of/implied/discussed cannibalism" and does it even count as that if the two individuals in question are different species?
> 
> Like, I guess Goku's thoughts still count as a description of full, actual cannibalism.
> 
> ...Gosh I really do love Goku. And Gohan. (Which Gohan I hear you ask? _Yes_ , you fool.)
> 
> Also, fuck Oolong!!! And Roshi!

**AGE** **749, SEPTEMBER 2ND**

 

 

 

Goku got up, stretched, (which made the new purple lady  _Bloomers_ mad for some reason, it's not _his_ fault she was so fat her chest bumps were all soft and weak instead of firm and strong like his mama's) and immediately got bored when nobody was getting up as fast as he was. He tried to meditate with his grandpa, really he did! But first Bulma had went over to that weird mirror with the lights and started putting gunk on her face, and then grabbed his mom and started doing it to her too! Grandpa said something about girls having their "war paint" but Goku didn't really see how the gunk was supposed to help with fighting.  _At this rate, Bulma and mama will be so slow they'll just turn into turtles_.

"Goku," Grandpa finally advised him, still with his eyes closed and his posture still upright in his meditation, "Maybe you need to head outside and burn off some of that energy." Grandpa opened his eyes, grinned, and then offered a wink that got Goku going.

"Yessir," Goku said seriously, then laughed and headed out to find something to do. He ran in place for a second then headed over to a huge boulder. He lifted it up, squeezed as much as he could, and, finally, it cracked! He grinned and ran over to another boulder, and he lifted it up and was about to squeeze it too when it started flailing its flippers?

Wait, _flippers_? _Oh no! Mommy!_

"I knew it! Mom! Bulma slowed you down so much you became a turtle!" Goku cried, tears starting to well up in his eyes. If his mom was a turtle, she couldn't carve meat for him or hug him or spar with him!

"What's the matter sweetie?" his mom asked as she stepped out the door, Bulma standing behind her, holding an icepack to her chest and glaring at him.

"What's with the turtle?" Bulma asked, eyeing the creature with curiosity.

"I don't suppose I could trouble you for a bucket of salt water... perhaps a side of seaweed as well?" the turtle asked Bulma, who blinked in momentary surprise, before shrugging and heading back inside.

"Sure, I'll hook you up," she answered, while there was a shuffling inside the house and suddenly Goku's grandpa appeared in front of them!

"Turtle? Is that you?" Grandpa asked, before grinning and picking the turtle up to eye level with his good arm.

"Gohan!" the turtle replied and raised its flippers into a hug around Grandpa's neck, before pressing its beak to Gohan's cheek in a kiss. "It's been so long!"

Grandpa smiled and put the turtle (that was apparently  _named_ Turtle?? Even Goku thought that was a little _too_ simple. Or maybe it was too complicated?) on the ground, before pulling Goku's mom and Goku into a hug and pushing them in front of him. "This is my daughter Gine, and my grandson Goku!" Grandpa introduced proudly, and Goku and his mom bowed as they had been taught.

Turtle looked up in surprise. "Gohan! You have a daughter!? A family!?"

Grandpa grinned and rubbed the back of his head the way Goku did sometimes. "Life throws surprises at you at times old friend," Grandpa said as Bulma finally came back with a sloshing bucket and a plate of some weird green stuff like she had on her face earlier.

The turtle, Turtle, started drinking from the bucket, and while he did so Goku blinked, and noticed that his mom's lips were all red! Did she go hunting and eat something without him? But she hated killing things, especially raw!

"Noticing the lipstick, eh kiddo?" Bulma asked, standing proud and throwing her arm around mama, making her look uncomfortable, but Bulma didn't notice and just smiled smugly. "It's how us girls look so pretty!"

Goku frowned, he guessed their lips did look a little better all red like that, but also kinda silly? As he turned back to Turtle, the sea creature finally put down the bucket and sighed in relief before smacking his lips. "That's some good salt water," Turtle said. "Aromatic, yet full-bodied."

"Yeah, I think it's an '87," Bulma said, making Goku confused on the inside. What did numbers have to do with this?

"Nope, '86," Turtle replied, making Goku even more confused.

"Really? Are you sure about that?" Bulma asked.

"Mm-hmm, I know my water," Turtle said confidently with a chuckle.

"What are you doing out here all this way, Turtle," Grandpa asked, his brow all scrunched up like he was worried.

"Oh, right, I should explain," Turtle said, before looking at them all seriously. "You see..."

Goku waited in anticipation, ready to hear this exciting story!

 

"I'm a turtle," Turtle said, making Goku, Gine and Bulma fall back to the ground on their rears, while Gohan just stood there and nodded seriously.

 

"I went to gather mushrooms, it was laying season, and those girls work so hard, and I thought I would do something nice for them!" Turtle explained, "But I took a wrong turn, and now I'm lost! Just like that I'm lost! I've been wandering for the past year, hoping to find my way back to the sea."

"Hold on, let me check my map," Bulma said, getting to her feet, while Goku's mom helped him up. "Bad news," Bulma informed as she came back, "You're going in the wrong direction! And it's still 100 miles away."

"Oh no," Turtle moaned sadly, "That'll take me twenty years!"

Goku felt bad for him. "Gosh, that sounds like a long time," he said.

Bulma shook her head. "I wish there was a way we could help you..." she said, and as she did, Goku had a great idea!

"I'll take you to the sea Mr. Turtle!" Goku said, which just seemed to make Bulma mad again!

"What are you nuts! We don't have time for that, we've got our own quest to go on, and we can't be wasting it on some dumb beached Turtle!"

"I can hear you," said Turtle, "You don't have to be hurtful..."

"If you're so pressed for time, why'd ya hafta take mom and spend so much in front of that mirror!"

"Children..." Goku's mom spoke up, before Bulma hastily shoved her aside (mom stepped back, probably to not hurt Bulma's hand and make her even more mad) to glare at Goku.

"Fine! Help the Turtle if you want! I can find the Dragon Balls by myself!"

"Be a bit hard without this one," Grandpa commented idly, spinning the four-star ball around on his finger.

Goku picked up the Turtle onto his back while Bulma gaped at the Son family like a fish again. "Gosh, are women like this where you come from?" Goku asked Turtle.

"No, most have tails," Turtle replied, causing Goku to grin.

Bulma made a funny noise behind them, but Goku didn't look to see it as he, Mama and Grandpa set off. They'd barely gotten anywhere when they heard the noise of Bulma's monster-sickle and her screeching following them. "Hey! Wait for me!"

"You got scared, didn't you?" Goku said confidently, and Bulma stuck her tongue out at him. He could do that too!

The two stuck their tongues at each other for a couple seconds, before Mama swatted Goku in the backside with her tail to get him moving again, and the rest followed after him.

Goku had never seen the sea before. It was going to be cool!

...He hoped they would get there soon, though. He was starting to get a little hungry.

"This is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me," Turtle said, which made Goku and his mom kinda sad.

"It's no big deal," Goku said with a smile, before he turned his head and sniffed around. What was that familiar smell?

Suddenly, a bear in armor stepped out from behind a big rock! "Hand over the turtle for my supper or else you foul humans shall..." the bear paused  when it's gaze landed on Goku's grandpa, before it suddenly glared, and its fur and hackles raised. _"You,"_  it growled.

Gohan smiled amiably at the creature, before stepping behind Goku and lifting Turtle from his shoulders with his one working arm. "Goku, my boy?" he said kindly.

"Yes Grandpa?" Goku asked, curious about what he wanted, or what was up with the large fuzzy interloper, or how he knew his grandpa.

 _"Kick his ass,"_ Gohan commanded, something in his eyes as he looked at the bear hardening in a way Goku didn't think he had ever seen before. Goku shrugged, and looked up just in time for the bear bandit to slam his big sword into the ground where Goku was standing before he  _moved_ , running up the sword and landing on the snout and _punching_ right between the eyes, his hips twisting and letting out a yell from his belly, just like grandpa taught him. The moment he hit the bear though, before he could even get down, Grandpa caught him, smiled at him, and pulled Goku into his chest in a hug. Goku was kinda confused, but let the hug continue while Grandpa put him down, and stood over the downed bear, much to Goku's confusion. Then, Grandpa Gohan _bowed_ _,_ his fist brought to the center of his chest as if in a salute or prayer.

Goku was a little confused by all this, after all his grandpa moved so _fast_ , why couldn't he have done it, but he was brought back to attention when his mom seemed to snap out of her usual nervousness and worry and he heard the scraping _'schiing'_ of her carving knives coming out.

Oh boy! They were having bear tonight!

Although, that reminded him to ask "Turtle, do you really taste that good," he wondered, as he settled the large shelled creature on his back.

Before Turtle could answer, his mom called from her spot where she worked by the bear, "We had that turtle soup the other night last week," she called, and Goku felt Turtle tense on his back and saw his grandpa stiffen besides them, and they both started letting out a strange new smell, like they were scared? Why would that be?

"Oh, wow," Goku said with a grin, while the sounds and smells of his mother working a carcass to the bone filled the clearing, "You taste  _delicious_ Mr. Turtle!"

There was a long silence, and even Bulma looked at him funny and started smelling weird (though not just in a fear way? On top of the fear she also sorta started smelling like his mom's crotch did when she called out for that 'burdock' guy in her sleep, except when his mom did it it was _gross_ , but with Bulma doing it, it made him feel kinda funny??) and his grandpa got a funny look in his eyes at him and his ma, like he was angry? And suddenly, for the first time in his life, Goku thought  _he_ might be afraid himself, because his grandpa was glaring at him with the same hardness in his eyes as at the bear.

Goku didn't know what was going on, but he wanted things to go back to how fun they were before that mean bear had appeared. "We better get you home to the ocean pretty soon, or maybe me and mom might have to find out just _how_ delicious, heh heh," he tried to joke, laughing at the joke himself, and for some reason everyone stayed just about as tense as they were before. Maybe slightly more tense?

Goku sighed, and started jogging in place, before stopping because he was jostling Turtle on his back. He hoped his mom would finish with the bear soon.

Maybe there would be other turtles at the beach, and if one of them was mean or a bad guy he could have _that_ one!

Oh, and getting Turtle home safely and soundly would probably be pretty good too. It would probably be really sad and frustrating to be so far away from home, _and_ to be so delicious everyone was trying to eat you, especially when you couldnt even eat yourself!

Goku decided, right then, that being delicious must be really _really_ unfair, so if he ever found a mean turtle, he would be sure to share some of 'em with his new friend Turtle.

...Oh, right, that meant getting him to the 'sea' first.

...Come on mom, hurry up!

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Gine stared at the beach when they finally arrived, surprised at how _beautiful_ it was. She'd been to beaches in her old life, she was sure she had, but she just. Didnt think she'd ever taken the time to  _look_ before.

She probably wouldn't have ever used the word 'beautiful' either, even if there was no other word she could think of for the sheer amount of _wonder_ in her son's eyes.

She heard her Papa, coming to a stop after the run here, taking deep breaths, seemingly composed, but worrying to her all the same.

He was just so  _old_. Never in her life had she met or known anyone, or _expected_ to meet anyone, who had been so worn down by time itself. The very concept of aging was completely foreign to her. She'd never seen it, and had barely even  _heard_ of it, before...

Well, nevermind before. With a peaceful life in this peaceful world, she'd have to get used to it, and maybe prepare for seeing what it's like herself someday.

...She'd never wanted to fight or kill before, why did some part of her still _ache_ at the thought of not dying in battle?

"I could never do it," Gohan said softly so only she could hear, as Goku and Bulma played and splashed in the waves next to where Turtle had been before he swam out to sea to 'reward' them. Gine glanced at them and back to him, confusion etched on her features, but unwilling or unable to speak up. "That bandit," he elaborated at her, "I knew what he was doing, but could never bring myself to bring an end to his evil myself. Too concerned with keeping my old hands clean," he said ruefully.

She frowned at that, her thoughts turning to the past unbidden. She thought of a large horned king and the small, pink emperor at his feet, the way she had been made to bow to them the first day they appeared. More treacherous a thought than that, she thought of how _similar_ she had thought the lizards to be to her fellow— ...well, monkeys, she thought ruefully to herself, reminding herself of the tall-haired man, the savior of their people from slavery and starvation, and the way he, like the masters before him and the masters after him, still looked at them like  _things_. She most especially thought of that King's son, the way, even as a  _child_ , he'd had eyes full of such  _cruelty_ and  _entitlement_ when he has spoken to her son, threatening _her_ just to get the other boy to do what he wanted.

A sharp whistle pierced her and snapped her out of it, forcing her attention back to Papa. Once he was sure she was looking at him again, he turned away, back to the sea and their children... no, _her_ children... _no, dammit,_ the  _children—_ playing in the surf. "I was scared, too, of  _enjoying_ it too much," Gohan admitted, forcing her to consider _that_ possibility, the way her heart would pound and her skin and blood and  _everything_ would tingle, would _itch_ , would  **burn** at the prospect of a fight, even as having her hands coated with another's life's blood and watching their eyes turn lifeless and made her  _retch_ —

"Goku could do it," Gohan said, her son's name bringing Gine's attention to the present as the wonderful little boy always did. "He enjoys the fight," Gohan admitted, "but he's still so _gentle,_  even in that."

Gine frowned. "But, you're gentle too, papa," she said immediately, not even thinking of any risk of speaking her mind. Even if contradicting a superior in any fashion might once have been a death sentence.

(Yes, she was stronger than him, she was aware of it every day, as he seemed to keep getting  _weaker_ as he aged, a superior was still a superior even when he was weaker, which might have once been a foreign, strange concept among her people perhaps, but one they were all forced to accept when they were briefed or commanded by an alien creature they all knew was really speaking for another.)

Gohan chuckled. "When I saw that bandit today," he sid, "I wanted to rip the claws off his digits, every digit off his paws, and every tooth out of his head," the old man said, causing her to look at him, really  _look_ as he spoke in a blunt manner that reminded her of home.

Gine didn't know what to say to that, so didn't say anything as the strange, _alien_ creature she'd spent almost a decade calling 'papa' continued to speak. "Sometimes monsters have to be fought," Gohan said definitively, "But we cannot let ourselves become the monsters to do it. We have to treat them with the same dignity they have denied others, else..."

He trailed off, and she glanced back at him before looking back out at the children, where her son had stopped playing, looking out to the horizon, so she followed his gaze to Turtle coming back to him, with a strange-looking old man riding on his shell.

She frowned, she knew her papa couldn't see that far, so _how_   _had he..._

Papa pushed himself off the palm trre he had come to rest beside and slowly made his way down the beach, brushing her off when she tried to come to support him. He came to a stop in front of the old man when he stepped off of the turtle, and was stopped when he started to bow by the old man pulling him into a hug. After a quick squeeze, the old man turned to her and the kids as she moved to be closer to them. "Yo, I'm Muten Roshi, the Turtle Hermit," the old man said by way of introduction, causing Bulma to roll her eyes and huff.

"Yeah, right, your parents named you 'Heavenly old Master' when you were born?" she scoffed.

The old man's glasses seemed to flash, catching the glare of the sun, and he reached into his breast pocket to pull out a card, which he showed to Bulma. Gine could see from a distance (she'd always been better at seeing from far away than up close, every one of her people had been, her papa said something about being farsighted?) it had his picture, and the name "Muten Roshi" on it. "Wait," Bulma said, "it says here you were born in _Age_ _430_ —"

Roshi took the card back and turned from Bulma to Goku and Gine, and instantly she was taken aback by the way he looked at her, suddenly uncomfortable with the way it felt she could physically  _feel_ his eyes like they were _touching_ her?

...And, suddenly, she could  _smell_ his arousal, tinged as it was with with the smells of salty sea air, sand, and a smell sorta maybe like dust or mothballs like her papa that maybe all old people had?

Then she noticed the way he angled his body more towards Bulma, and she could see the way his eyes seemed roam over the young girls form behind his frames, and suddenly she went from uncomfortable to protective and  _angry_ , the fur on her tail and back of her neck bristling and raising and her teeth gritting slightly as she bared them, trying to show off especially how much sharper and longer her canines were than a human's could ever hope to be, her entire form a textbook threat display, such as she had never felt inclined to make before.

She felt a hand on her leg and another on her back as her son and papa tried to soothe her and calm her, and she allowed herself to relax, especially when the old male started looking at her warily, taking her seriously.

 _...Huh_ , she thought as her breathing finally eased to calm,  _Where'd_ that _come from?_

 "So," Roshi said breezily, "You're the young'uns my student here's been telling me about."

"Yes, Roshi," Gohan said coolly, with far less reverence and respect than she expected, "My daughter and grandson."

"Right. 'Daughter'," Roshi said dismissively, his eyes going to Gine's chest, her tail, then back to her chest, "Sure."

Gohan seemed about to say something, his own hair bristling slightly and brow curling in anger, before he relaxed, easing himself into a wry smile before shrugging. "They showed a lot of initiative when they wanted to help our friend Turtle, and I feel that shouldn't go unrewarded. Maybe the cloud, Master?" Gohan said.

Roshi raised an eyebrow. "The cloud and not the bird?"

"With respect," Gohan said coolly, "Perhaps immortality is better not having, Master."

The two old men looked at each other for a moment, before finally, Roshi waved his staff in the air in a circle. "Come flying Nimbus!"

A streak of gold sped across the horizon and for a moment, Gine was struck by a memory of old legends, myths,  _fairy tales,_ really, of a golden warrior, the strongest in the universe. But insead of a man or ape the movement turned out to be a little yellow cloud. Gine frowned. Something about it still seemed familiar...

"How do you eat it?" Goku asked, and Roshi smacked the boy in the head with his staff.

Bulma blinked. "Why does a turtle hermit have a magic cloud? Where's the logic there?"

"Deal with it," Roshi huffed, his sunglasses gleaming in the morning light.

"So, this thing will carry us?" Gine asked, adjusting herself on the top of the cloud, trailing her fingers along and against the surface.

The turtle hermit grinned. "Yes, very good miss! You must have a very pure heart to be able to ride the Nimbus like that!"

Gine blinked then stepped off the cloud to hover in the air with flight. "I don't exactly need it though?" she said.

Roshi frowned. "Or maybe it's broken," he grumbled under his breath, so only Gine could hear him. "Damned Crane School," he muttered, before adding, "nobody that flies can be a good person" and he seemed about to continue his rant as he jumped onto the cloud himself before he fell right through it onto the sand.

Turtle seemed shocked at this development, while Gohan simply shook his head like he was expecting it but still disappointed. "Let's try it together, Goku," he said, and with a nod, both Gohan and Goku jumped and landed easily on the Nimbus cloud, grinning at each other, before grandfather and grandson took off into the distance, spinning and looping and twirling through the skies whooping and laughing all the while.

Roshi just glared after them, his face twisted into an ugly scowl. "Selfish little bastard could never ride it before," he muttered, before he was forced to turn towards Bulma as she tugged on his sleeve. "Eh?"

Bulma grinned and pointed at herself. "Don't I get something?"

Roshi glanced at Turtle. "She do anything for ya?"

"No sir, I should say not."

"She  _did_ get the saltwater and seaweed," Gine added helpfully while Bulma stamped her feet and fumed.

"I've only got the one cloud anyway," Roshi said, before frowning, and looking up at the sky in thought, the sunlight gleaming off of the glass orb hanging around his neck, which Bulma immediately lunged towards. The old master, unfortunately, misinterpreted this as an attack on his person, and he effortlessly, with a grace and skill born of over a century of practice, knocked the girl out and sent her sprawling to the sand, her nightdress up to her stomach, legs and the white undergarments of her bottom half in the air.

Gine didn't like the way he started looking at Bulma at that point. She _really_ didn't like it. His hands were raised to his sides and he started flexing and wiggling his fingers and she _really_  didn't like that either. So she stepped between the old man and the girl, and pointed towards his neck. "We've been looking for stones like that one. May we have yours," she asked politely, despite some snarling, protective part of her deep down demanding she take it off of his corpse. The rest of her was still too nauseous and sickened at the thought of the life leaving another's eyes.

The old man licked his lips and looked her up and down (really _really_ uncomfortable?? She was _not_ used to being looked at like this, and couldn't say she'd ever felt anything like it) before grinning. "Maybe, if ya give me a peak?"

A peak at _what?_ Gine never had the opportunity to ask, before suddenly her papa was there, ripping the ball off of Roshi's neck faster than even _she_ could see, and waking Bulma up with smelling salts under her nose. "I suppose we see now why you're not pure enough for the Nimbus anymore," Son Gohan said to his old master, as he helped Bulma up to her feet, patting her on her back and the top of her head to brush sand off as she looked around blinking in confusion.

Gine looked and saw that Goku was still on the cloud, grinning excitedly as he came towards them, but something about the mood seemed off, as a strange wind blew across the beach. "I think me and my Master will be leaving you kids here," Gohan finally said, staring down the other old man, the expression on his face serious but not unkind, "It seems we have a lot to talk about in the time I've been away."

Gine thought she could see Roshi rolling his eyes behind his glasses. "If you want a whuppin' away from the brats so easily then fine, I've got some chores you can be doing anyway. Let's go Turtle!" He hopped on the turtle suddenly, and thwacked the creature's shell before they set off, Turtle looking regretfully back at them, leaving Gine to frown.

She looked back at Gohan as he held Goku in the air and kissed him on top of his head, before setting him down on the ground, and then sighing in relief when he sat back down on the Nimbus. "My old joints aren't what they used to be," papa admitted cheerfully, "I'd just be holding you young people back on the rest of your journey."

Gine found herself shaking her head. "I'll come with you, help you get around..."

Gohan smiled, and put his hand on her shoulder. "We'll see each other again, probably very soon. And," he looked back at where Bulma, already, seemingly not caring about Gohan's departure other than a brief wave, dragged Goku off to play and splash in the surf. "It's probably best if you stick with the kids for now anyway."

Gine frowned, as generations of parenting traditions of her people weighed on her. "Goku can take care of himself," she said, not understanding why he thought her son so weak, but Gohan simply _looked_ at her to freeze her thoughts in their tracks.

"The full moon is in 7 days, Gine," Gohan said, making her blood run cold as she looked back at her kids— no,  _the_ kids, she corrected herself— as they played so happily and freely.

Gine couldn't say anything to that, and just stood there limply and let her papa, the first and only parent she'd ever had that cared about her, as he pulled her into a hug, and kissed her on top of the head, and watched after him as he rode his cloud off into the distance.

For some reason, she was reminded of someone else, and the night she felt she would never see him again either, only that time _she_ had been the one leaving while he stood in place, but the effect was the same as she saw him shrink smaller and smaller and eventually disappear in the horizon.

Everything was a blur to her after that. She let herself be dragged along by the kids as they finished playing and decided what they wanted was to continue on the adventure, Bulma going back to the strange capsule house to dress and prepare for the day.

She finally perked up when the golden cloud returned, but instead of an old man the sheathe for the power rested atop it, with a note on it addressed to Goku. Also there, she noticed, with a note addressed to her, was a small box, which she looked inside and _saw the Dragon Ball_ inside?

Oh, she remembered with a sweatdrop. He _did_ still have it when he left.

She glanced at the note, but was disappointed (and, she realized, a little _angry_? That was new,) when the only words aside from the name and her papa's signature were a simple instruction.

_'Don't let that girl take advantage of you.'_

She let her son pull her back into the capsule house,, but hid the Dragon Ball in her dress, the least she could do was as she was told. She watched as Bulma bustled about getting dressed, and when she was curious about what Bulma was doing by that mirror and so let the teenage girl drag her into it as she had that morning, right up until the lavender-haired younger women tried to  _jab a pencil into Gine's eye, what the **fuck?**?_

"It's called eyeliner," Bulma said, unimpressed.

 _'It's called_ torture _, again, what the **fuck** '_  Gine thought, but aloud she said, "I don't think I'm physically capable of letting you put that near my eyes."

Her people were survivors, warriors, she'd heard her papa mention a knee-jerk reflex, and Gine knew she had something like that in her entire body, in every joint and muscle. She watched, as if in slow motion, as Bulma leaned closer and closer with that terrible _thing_ , and willed herself not to move, not to respond or react, not to _kill someone_ **again** , certainly not someone she already cared about and thought of as  _hers_.

It was a great relief, after the pencil touched her eyelid and Bulma was sent flying through the wall of the capsule house, when she heard groans of pain rising from the rubble. She was _alive!_

Gine couldn't keep the smile off her face even if she wanted to, even when the girl yelled at her, then yelled at her son when he said the rings of black around her eyes made her look like a raccoon, then kept yelling at the pair of them when Goku rode on the Nimbus and Gine picked her up to carry her instead of going with those slow vehicles. Without any shame or guilt she sniffed the younger woman's strange-looking lavender hair and nuzzled it with her cheek and kissed it. Even if the girl was mad, even if she  _hated_ Gine, at least she was still here. And somehow, Gine found that the most comforting thing of all.

(At least, until she put the girl down again, and saw her angry glare tinged with a blush, and smelt _arousal_ when the girl looked at her. At that point Gine gave up, and decided maybe she was better off with sticking with her own son, who could smell their blood relation and instinctively knew not to be gross?? Honestly, what the hell was  _wrong_ with these Earthlings???)

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Gine stared, from the small pig boy, who had looked so _young_ just moments ago, as her hand had, instinctively, after he attacked her _son_ , had _hurt_ him, (it was just really boiling hot water, but she didn't _know_ that,) plunged through his chest and ended his life, turning him back from the strange machine he had been before then, and then she looked to the girls, who looked on unconcerned, in fine and fancy clothes, even though she could _smell_ him on them, _in_ them, and...

She sniffed the air in shock, not believing her own nose. Was one of them _pregnant_? And was that some sort of _sleeping powder_ drug in their tea and lemonade? What the _fuck_???

She blinked as she sniffed the air and turned to look at Bulma, from where she had just come in the door, newest dragon ball in her grasp and a strange look on her face, staring at where her hand was impaling another, covered with that being's life blood (it was an  _accident_ when he'd hurt her son she'd expected him to be a lot tougher??) and, of course, the smell of arousal hit Gine's nose from Bulma's direction as it always seemed to when something was going horribly wrong in Gine's life lately.

 _Seriously, the actual **fuck** is _ wrong  _with these Earthlings???_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somebody kinkshame bulma immediately and constantly
> 
> Also, so, that one time Oolong drugged Bulma with sleeping powder and tried to rape her in her sleep? Not happening! Fuck that, and fuck Oolong! See you in Hell! You get to be bacon! And I'm _jewish._ So you can just _rot_
> 
> ...Like, I honestly _would_ do the same with Roshi, but at least he has his moments. Where I honestly do like him. And it's implied, when we first meet him, from Turtle, and the fact that he apparently could ride the Nimbus at one point, that he used to be. Better. At some point. And now, in the series, he's gotten worse. There's room for growth with Roshi, because at least he has more than one character trait. Oolong's all gross, all the time and, (...I mean, until Super, which. I mean, ugh, don't even talk to me about my issues with Roshi in the anime there because I'll be here all day) _Roshi never tried to rape anyone_
> 
> Also, Oolong apparently just sorta keeps sleeping powder in his belongings, so like. Even in Super Roshi isn't constantly ready to roofie someone.
> 
> I generally imagine it'd be weird for a Saiyan having noses so much better than a human's. It's natural for them, and, like, I imagine Saiyan pheromones aren't actually _stronger_ than a human's per se, but they would be more receptive to and aware of it.
> 
> Most Saiyans would rather fight or eat than fuck or do literally anything else any time of day, but still.
> 
> ...Also, like, it's vaguely interesting to me that, The Nameless Namek apparently got corrupted and had evil in him because he saw the people of Earth, and in Universe 6, which is a lot like Universe 7 except better / less evil, life on Earth was wiped out by itself. Dragon Ball can be pretty hella cynical sometimes.


	3. Desert Wolves and Ox-Milk???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying Goku/Chi-Chi is endgame but it, in all honesty, probably is, because I don't, like, _care_ enough to change it? Sorry for other people hoping otherwise. Goku and Chi-Chi themselves will probably be different people than in the series just because of having more family in there in the form of Gine, and with that influence things can change or shift, but. Who knows. I'm taking this one step at a time.
> 
> I have some outlines and some ideas I want to do in the form of "it'd be cool if" but I'm basically mostly doing the actual writing one chapter at a time, so. I'm kinda sorta making it up as I go. But, hey, that's Dragon Ball right? ;)
> 
> ...Yamcha's line from Path to Power is just _way_ too good not to use. Like, _damn_ Funimation, that's that _good_ shit.
> 
> And. Is it just me, or does the little x scar on Yamcha's face look exactly like Bardock's? Is that some design reuse or something?

**AGE**   **749, SEPTEMBER 2ND**

 

 

 

Roshi frowned when he got to his island and saw Gohan already there, not that he should be surprised. That cloud was always a lot faster than Turtle, after all. What surprised him more was how happy his old student seemed, despite the harsh terms earlier on the beach. Son Gohan moved rapidly into the house, and then back up again, using a speed admittedly faster than when Roshi had last seen him, going by in a blur of afterimages all to get dust and sand off the porch with the broom, beat out the magic carpet, and hang Roshi's dirty laundry out to dry. Finally, Gohan stood in front of Roshi as he stepped off of Turtle onto the shore itself, and then bowed to him respectfully. "Thank you for welcoming me back into your home, master," Gohan said, which only made Roshi more suspicious. The little shit was only this polite when he was up to something.

"You're mad at me," Roshi said calmly, causing Gohan to straighten, and then look at him, and finally just shake his head.

"No, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed," Gohan said, prompting Roshi to snort.

"You sound just like a parent," Roshi teased, and under his mustache Gohan's lip turned up in the mean little way it always did before he provoked Ox into doing something stupid.

"At least I can still remember mine," Gohan called, and Roshi froze in his place. He closed his eyes, counted to ten, cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders, and shrugged off the turtle shell from his back, heedless of the plume of sand it threw up into the air.

"You sure you wanna do this?" Roshi said as calmly as he could, even as he felt himself shaking. He nodded towards Gohan's arm in its sling, but the younger old man simply smirked in that infuriating way of his.

"You're right," Gohan said, before he brought his good arm behind his back, the arrogant little cocksucker. "To make things more fair," he said, before bowing to Roshi one last time and then standing up.

Roshi only had it in himself to wait that long before he rushed forward to pop his wayward fool of a student in the jaw, and while he wasnt surprised when the figure where he thought Gohan was turned out to be an illusion,  he soon found himself getting frustrated as he then made it through the next three after-images, before he finally felt Gohan's knee between his shoulder-blades.

Roshi fell over onto his face, and waited for his student to approach, concerned, and when he felt the shadow of the other man's body standing over him he stuck, channeling his ki into his fist to push it through and into the air around them, a pressurized wave of pure force, that Gohan _simply stepped to the side of_.

...Well then.

Roshi forced ki into his muscles, feeling himself bulking up even more, ignoring the fact that Gohan simply grinned in response instead of reciprocating in kind.

Roshi had a feeling this was going to be a long, _long_ day.

 

 

* * *

 

**AGE**   **749, SEPTEMBER 5TH**

 

 

 

Gine frowned that night when she went to bed, grateful for the solo room, but oddly missing the companionship and simple warmth of being close to another.

...Although, on the other hand, she thought shuddering, she wasn't sure how close she actually wanted to be with those Earthlings. It was like they made  _everything_ sexual for some reason? She found herself missing, oddly, and maybe for the first time, the simpler days when her world revolved around battle and planetary sales figures.

...No, nevermind. She shook her head, and felt _revolted_ at herself for the comparison. So the Earthlings were a little strange, it was still and always would be better than _that_.

She pulled back the covers, and went through the day in her head. In hindsight, that plan was honestly a little strange to begin with? From when Oolong had showed up as a large monster and then a younger man with a mustache that had made Bulma...

_My name's Bulma! And I'm sweet 16!_

Gine flew through the doors to Bulma's room, startling the girl, but Gine ignored her, and blurted out "YOU'RE 16!!!?" as loudly and, it must be said, as in-eloquently as she possibly could.

"Y-yeah???" Bulma seemed confused, but Gine ignored her, focused as she was on investigating this mystery, this thing that _didn't make any sense_. She steeled herself for the reaction she _knew_  was coming, and placed one hand on her own chest and the other on Bulma's, just long enough to confirm to herself that, yes, the Earthling's were bigger (and she quickly pushed down the knowledge that she had always been considered _too_ big, too _soft_  in this area, that was far from the point of the exercise) and then she quickly let go, and then placed one of her hands on top of her own head and one on top of Bulma's. She reached out with her tail, and realized she'd  _forgotten her son_ and so she rushed off to get him, leaving Bulma extremely confused.

"What the fuck just—"

Gine came back, an already sleeping Kakarot in tow, but that was fine, she just had to lean him against the wall and he could sleep upright like that for a bit while she did her measurements. Goku was 15 years old from his conception (dimly, Gine was aware of and had heard something about 'birth' but the incubation chambers had always taken care of that for her people, since even before Cold,) and had at least about 4 or 5 more years left in his primary growth phase. At 16 Earth years of age, she had been _maybe_ an inch taller, at best, and her chest was about as flat as his was now, the secondary growth phase bringing with it reproductive capacity and, more importantly, full fighting capacity and adulthood.

It also took about three years, give or take.

Gine stared at Bulma, her eyes growing wider and wider with shock and fear. "H-how. How _big_ will you be when you're fully grown," she finally asked, picturing something about ten feet tall, with unwieldy, impractical, and  _massive_  reproductive fat deposits _everywhere_.

Bulma raised an eyebrow at her, before pushing her and her sleeping son out the door, question unanswered, and Gine honestly didn't have it in herself to protest or resist the pushing, or to insist her question getting answered, because she found, after some thought, that there were things about these Earthlings she really _really_ didn't want to know.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

She woke up the next morning, some surface shifting beneath her, unsure where she was, so she sniffed at the air, sat up, looked around, and realized she was in some sort of boat? On top of some body of water, maybe a river? Suddenly, Goku's face appeared in front of her own, blocking off the sky and sunlight and framing his silhouette in that way that always reminded her of his father saving her, but as always his expression was an infectious, shining grin rather than that old scowl.

"Morning mom! Did you rest well?" Goku asked, and Gine tried to smile and not think about her nightmares of a giant, the size of a great ape, hairless but for the mane of eye-searing purple, with breast and hip tissue going for _miles_ in all directions, each bump and curve and mound marred by angry-red stretch marks and embarrassing acne, and, worst and strangest of all, no musculature to be seen.

"Fine! I'm fine!" she said sharply, looking towards Bulma and relieved when the girl was still the same as she had been the previous night. 

"You might as well go back to sleep," the girl commented. "We've got three more days till we get to Fry-Pan Mountain."

Gine didn't know what this Fry-Pan Mountain was, but it made her hungry.

After a minute or so, the rumbling noise petered out into silence, and the boat came to a halt. "The boat stopped talking!" Goku announced.

Bulma groaned. "We're out of gas!"

Gine saw Goku reaching for the engine, but she slapped his hand before he could touch it, it was probably expensive and he might break it. Instead, she extended her hand towards the water behind them, gathered her battle power, and fired it to propel the vehicle forward towards the nearest shore.

As Goku tied the boat to shore, Gine looked back, wincing when she saw the trail of dead fish floating belly-up on the river's surface. She hadn't actually  _meant_ to do that, but as her rumbling stomach reminded her, waste not, right?

"AAAAIIIYYYEEEEE!" Bulma suddenly shrieked, right next to Gine's ear, and Gine was quite proud of how quickly she could grab her own tail before it slapped the purple-headed woman into a tree in reflex.

"No Capsules!" Bulma cried loudly. "No car! No house! No bike! I'm helpless! Helpless, helpless, HELPLESS!!!"

Goku glanced down at her with his hands on his hips. "Why dontcha just walk?"

"That's easy for YOU to say, Mr. 'flying cloud'!" Bulma screeched.

"I can just carry you again," Gine offered, not really  _wanting_ to relieve the awkwardness of a young, strange alien she thought of as a surrogate child wanting to _mate_ with her, but if it would get her to stop yelling so loudly...

Bulma looked at her contemplatively, and suddenly Gine had a bad feeling.

"Say, do you think you could go look for my capsules?" Bulma asked. "You can go a lot faster than me and Goku, you can get back to us in no time!"

Gine raised an eyebrow. Bulma stared back expectantly. Finally, Gine gave in, and flew off back towards the river, sniffing her way around to find where the capsules might be, and collecting fresh fish along the way.

Her Goku was a strong boy, they'd be fine without her, right?

( _They might even be better off,_ some part of her whispered, reminding her of the feeling of a person's torso when her hand plunged through it.)

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Goku sighed, bored, as Bulma shifted under the cap of the giant calcified mushroom. Or maybe it was a skeleton? Anyway, Goku'd been willing to just pick her up and carry her, but she got mad at him every time he took her out of the shade, so eventually he gave up and let her snore.

He was really hungry too, even with the Oolong bacon and sausages they'd had that morning; that was hours ago!

Worse than that, with all this sunlight and heat, Goku was sweating like he never had before, no matter how intense Grandpa's training got. He was so _thirsty._ Even though he was bored, Goku didn't feel like training, or even moving, except, maybe, closer to the shade with Bulma? Yeah, she seemed to have the right idea...

Suddenly, there was a weird humming noise, distant but getting closer, and Goku looked around, not quite able to tell where it was coming from. He looked all around and suddenly saw a cloud of dust rushing towards him! Suddenly something green and orange and _fast_  whistled out of the dust and Goku yelped and ducked as he felt a sharp tugging and pulling sensation going through his _hair_!

Goku turned and glared at the man in funny clothes and spiky hair as he landed, holding his sword in the air like he was showing it off. "I always like to miss on the first swing. Then the second's a home run!"

Goku blinked. That didn't make any sense. Why would you miss on purpose? Suddenly, Goku bit his lip to hold back a scream when he felt all his muscles cramping at once, like he hadn't stretched properly. What was going on?

"Give up the capsules or else!" squeaked a funny voice from the weird flying bike as it came towards them.

"My name is Goku," Goku introduced himself to be polite, before he continued by saying, "We don't have any capsules. We lost 'em all. My mommy went to go find them."

For some reason, the strange guy with the sword got a funny look on his face when Goku mentioned his mom, and the squeaking voice floated off the bike, apparently it was was a cat? That could fly and talk? "Come on Yamcha! Finish off the kid before the mom shows up and you embarrass yourself again!"

"HEY! PUAR!"

"Sorry! Lord Yamcha! I meant no offense, it's just that, um..."

Goku was still bored, and the guy wasn't looking, he didn't want to sucker punch him, that'd be unfair, but he was just so _open_ , and part of him was screaming to _take_ it. "Hey! Here I come!" Goku yelled and charged, but just as he was on top of the man named Yamcha, his stomach growled, and suddenly Goku felt his legs giving out. He was so _hungry_.

Goku still managed to swing his power pole, but Yamcha leaned back, the rod passing over his nose, and Goku felt the air go out of himself when he was kicked in the stomach, _hard_. Immediately, Goku puked, and everything he drank and ate, including most of the monster pig Oolong, ended up on Yamcha's shirt. "Eww!" the bandit cried, and backhanded Goku, sending him careening backwards to land roughly against a rock.

Goku tried to catch his breath as Yamcha approached him, and so he pointed the power pole at the bandit, and managed to wheeze out, "Power pole extend" right when he raised his sword to strike, hitting him in the gut and sending him back, just as Goku had planned!

Goku wanted to cheer, but all he could do was continue gasping, and try to recover his breathing as he used the pole to get back to his feed. He noticed Puar floating over to the man on the ground. "Lord Yamcha!" he (?) cried.

"I'm fine, Puar," Yamcha said, and to Goku's frustration, he _was_. Why was _Goku_ the only one so tired all of a sudden? And still thirsty too... and his muscles all kept cramping up suddenly!

And his heart was beating faster, but it felt _weaker_ somehow?

"Not used to the desert, eh? That my friend, is what we call heatstroke," Yamcha said.

"Well, heat exhaustion, actually, at least for now," Puar added helpfully. "From exertion, I guess? Not enough water? I don't see a canteen anywhere..." Puar suddenly went silent, their eyes wide.

"Before you die," Yamcha continued, "I have to credit you, for stealing the fabled Power Pole from the great Son Gohan. Rest assured, it will remain with a far greater bandit than yourself."

"I, I didn't steal it," Goku managed to wheeze out, angry, even with his mouth and tongue feeling like they was getting heavier and heavier. "My G' _raaam_ 'p'uh gabe it to me," he slurred out, painfully.

Yamcha seemed to straighten at that. "Your grandfather is Son Gohan, the famous martial artist?" he asked in childlike wonder, and Goku simply smiled as well as he could, proud of how famous his grandpa was, and nodded.

"Very well. Then you deserve to die not by the heat and the sun, but by a fellow warrior! Get to your feet, Son Goku, descendant of Son Gohan, for the last time, that you might face my self-developed, ultimate technique! The Wolf Fang Fist!"

Yamcha took a stance, and even with how tired and weak Goku felt, he had to see it, it sounded so awesome! He gritted his teeth, and dug the power pole into the ground, leaning on it, until he was staring right at the desert bandit. He tried to spit, but it came out as all foamy?

Yamcha's hair lifted, even though there was no wind, and his face got all intense, and his eyes looked _wild_ and so cool! "Wolf fang fist!" he howled, and Goku thought he could hear a real wolf howling alongside him? Then Yamcha rushed forward and Goku felt Yamcha's bent fingers in his ribs before he could even blink.

Ouch! Goku tried to raise his arms to block but couldn't even move! To the face, to the stomach again, the shoulder, then Yamcha brought his palms together, facing opposite directions, in a way that somehow seemed familiar? And made the scar on top of Goku's head and some place at the base of his tail _throb_ at the recognition. And brought them to Goku's chest then closed the fingers into a cage, like a wolf's jaw biting? Goku felt a wave of force, that knocked him into the air, and everything went white.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Yamcha blinked. Did he just make that kid bounce off the _sky?_ Maybe _he_ needed to get out of the sun too, today was a _scorcher_.

Before he could have turned to head back to the hoverbike though, he froze, because, standing leaning against the rocky outcropping he had knocked Son Gohan's grandson through, was the most beautiful purple-haired girl he had ever seen, her neck bobbing as she drank from a canteen by her side, before she turned to the kid and offered him some of it. The kid drank, quickly, too quickly, and eventually got sick and vomited on the girl, making her angry. And as beautiful as she was before, she was _gorgeous_ when she was angry.

"Yamcha! It's a girl!" Puar cried, unhelpfully, because yes, he could _see_ that.

"No! Worse!" Puar continued, somehow able to interpret his unintelligible blushing (and wow, that was probably really bad in this much heat too, he needed to get _out of here_ , some voice in his head realized) and stammering, "There's _another one,_ " was all the warning he got before he got a pair of soft clothed breasts against his cheek.

"It's you! Itsyouitsyouitsyouitsyou-hoo-hoooo," a voice cried from somewhere in front of him and above him, at least that was what he _thought_ was what the voice was saying anyway, it was a little muffled and hard to make out (oh Kami why would he be thinking of words like 'hard' or 'make out' at a time like this!?) what with the _breasts_ , ahhhhhh! It was so _wonderful_ , but also so _terrible!_ He was helpless! He couldn't move or do anything, even as those soft fingers brushed through his hair—

Yamcha, blushing and likely bleeding from his nose, (Another source of dehydration! Even _worse_ in this weather!) came face to face with a young, gorgeous, dark-haired woman, the one who had pressed him against her _wonderfully soft_ but also equally  _horrifyingly immobilizing_ chest, as she stared at him in confusion, before poking him in the scar on his left cheek, while searching his eyes with her own, which were as deep and dark as night, and brushing her soft fingers through his fringe. Eventually she blushed, her redness briefly matching his own at least until Yamcha's intensified further in response, and finally pushed him away, to land weakly, all hope of muscle control gone, on his back.

"Sorry!" the woman muttered, her hand rubbing the back of her head from embarrassment, "Mistaken identity!"

Yamcha let his head fall back and closed his eyes, grateful when he felt Puar's pawpads as they lifted him and dragged him onto the bike, ignoring the sharp rocks on the ground when they poked him, because it didn't matter.

He'd just been  _touched by a **girl**_ for the first time in his life, and seen two at once!

And, with Puar's help, he was even going to live through it!

As Puar started the engine, and they rushed away, however, some larger part of Yamcha knew that it wasn't enough. Girls or no girls, he'd been _humiliated_ by them. He _had_ to have his revenge.

Especially as he heard the distinctive 'BAMF' sound of a capsule as it opened, echoing through the empty and still, silent desert. That little boy had _lied_ to him. And Lord Yamcha, Desert Wolf of the Wastes, could not abide that, or allow it to pass uncontested...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Wait a second, she had the same black hair and eyes, and the capsule didn't show up until she did, and he said she was looking for them, and the face was a _little_ similar, was she that kid's _mom?_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Bulma sighed, as she did her part to get cool water into Goku, _slowly,_ as they let the air conditioning of the new camper Gine had found at Oolong's place wash over them.

Bulma wasn't licensed to practice medicine, (yet, she thought,) but his skin was seeming less cold and clammy, and he was sweating less, that was good, right?

...Unless he was going into shock. But his pulse was getting stronger, she decided, as she pressed her hand to his chest and his neck. That was (probably) a good sign. A great one, even!

She was surprised at how well Gine had driven them, honestly, for a country bumpkin, she could adapt to machinery surprisingly well. Certainly better than her son. She'd parked them against a cliff, out of the sun, and in the right direction to Fry-Pan and the next Dragon Ball, according to the map and Dragon Radar.

Bulma narrowed her eyes, glaring at the other woman while she stared down at their map, Bulma trying to uncover the older woman's secrets, but as she felt Goku's weight in her lap again, she decided to focus on him instead, ensuring he got better, even as she continued to work out the puzzle in her head.

She could multitask! She was a _genius!_

First off, she thought, blushing a little, and squirming a little bit because of certain _sensations_ in her lap, she had realized something about herself on this adventure already, which was that she _might_ have some sort of weird fetish for strong and muscular flying monkey cannibals that were shorter than her, had weird hairdos and might or might not want to literally eat her? That was _probably_ fine, she was rich, she could afford a weird fetish or two, it _probably_ wouldn't have _too_ much effect on how her prince charming would turn out after the wish, right?

...Riiiiight. Yeah, definitely.

On to the more important business, she urged herself. Focus!

First point, that round metal sphere they had left at Paozu, that looked like nothing from this world.

And, on top of that, that box she had found in the bottom of her closet in the capsule house, and then hidden in a special voice-activated and coded capsule she then kept secure in a place on her person even these dirty degenerate _hicks_ would never look, precautions which she had taken after she glanced _inside_ that box, and saw what they were keeping hidden. Precautions she was a _little_ glad she had taken, even if she'd now wished she'd had the foresight to save something else for comfort, instead of just losing _all her other capsules_. Leaving her with two monkeys, a dead perverted pig's candy van that happened to be a RV instead of an actual van, (although it _did_ still seem to have a lot of candy? How old was that pig, _nine_?) and a capsule full of space armor.

Somehow, it reminded her of her sister's stories, and that weirdo she was hanging out with when ever he (literally) dropped by her private island, and talked about whenever he was gone.

...She mostly tuned out whatever he said about himself though. His name was... Chako? No, that was just the character in the book...

She paused in her considerations upon noticing a weight she had grown used to had vanished, so to check she looked up and yep, Goku was up already, none the worse for wear, and was rooting around in the camper's fridge.

"Hey, Goku, you think that cutie Yamcha will be back?" she decided to ask.

Goku turned his head, opened his maw full of partly chewed raw, bloody meat, and some muffled sounds came out as his jaw worked, and Bulma was sprayed with chunks of gore.

Dimly, Bulma heard the shower start and was aware that Gine had left the map and was in there, probably cleaning off the smell of river, dead fish and deader pig Bulma had not-subtly been nagging her about. Meaning Bulma had to either wait, or embarrass herself, potentially exposing where she'd hidden the other woman's armor in the process.

Bulma breathed in, and counted to ten, trying to remind herself that she needed these monkey hicks, and killing them would probably be an overreaction.

"Why'd'ya wanna see 'im anyway?" Goku finally asked, with less food in his mouth. "Aren't you gonna wish for a boy with the Dragon Balls anyway?"

Bulma shrugged. "Well, yeah, but I don't have all seven of the Dragon Balls yet, and I can't make a wish with an incomplete set, remember? Besides," she huffed, "I'm allowed to _look_ , aren't I?"

Goku shrugged. "I guess so?"

Bulma sighed. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do ya kid?"

"Nope!" Goku agreed eagerly.

Suddenly, there was a crash outside, and some yelling, and Bulma grabbed a rifle she saw earlier when she was going through the new capsules and headed out through the camper's door.

"Goku, you're still recovering from a major medical emergency, stay inside where it's—" Bulma suddenly shivered and had to huddle in on herself because the moment she stepped through the door it felt fucking  _cold_. And it was dark too? It was night? How was it night? She blinked, turned saw Goku playing with her jacket and took it from him before putting it on and shoving him back inside the door (ignoring his cried "Hey!" of protest) and stalked around the side, towards where the side of the RV where bathroom was.

As she rounded the corner, she immediately regretted it, and wished she had simply stayed inside the vehicle.

On the ground was Yamcha, the desert bandit, out cold, his friend (pet?) the shapeshifting cat Puar hovering over him worried. On the other side, shaking in fear, was a dog in ninja clothes and a woman in some military trench coat and... did they have a  _bomb_ stuck to their hands?

And, standing there, out in the desert, and completely _buck-naked_ was Gine, still soaking wet from the shower but toweling herself off.

Bulma didn't want to look, resigning herself to dealing with problem after problem, and was pleasantly surprised when the glass window of the bathroom (oh and of  _course_ the pig's capsules had plenty of places to peek) was simply pushed up instead of shattered.

She turned towards the older woman, remembered how she felt whenever she saw those  _abs,_ and looked somewhere past the young-looking mother's head, not able to meet her gaze. "You, uh, need some help?"

Gine sniffed the air, as she always did, then frowned at Bulma judgementally, as she always did, but finally shrugged and, thankfully, wrapped the towel around herself; and around her chest too, not just the waist! Progress!

"Those two tried to attach _this_ device," she said, approaching the dog-man and the woman and ripping the bomb, and oh it was  _definitely_ a bomb, off of their joined hands, visibly taking fur and some of the woman's skin off in the process. Gine started to say the word "To" (Bulma guessed, from context) but stopped speaking when she found the bomb was stuck to _her_ hand now. Visibly frustrated, she vaporized it with one of those blasts from earlier lighting up the desert with pink light.

"They're getting away," Bulma noted, as the dog-man and woman hopped into some sorta air vehicle and flew off.

Gine raised her hand tracking them, and then, with Bulma watching closely, visibly seemed to recoil and shrink in on herself, her body language becoming instantly demure and passive and anxious in a sharp contrast to the sharp and professional militarism of earlier, and her arm violently shuddered as she dropped it to her side.

If Bulma had been paying more attention to the woman's figure than her demeanor and bearing, she and her ( _genius!_ ) eidetic memory would have missed the tiny spark of pink that seemed to ignite for just a second at the tip of Gine's palm before extinguishing itself into smoke and vapor.

...God _dammit_ Bulma, now is _not the time_ to add "fires pink laser beams" to your weird and stupid space monkey fetish! Stop that! You have more important things to do than dwell on how hot that is!

"Hey, where ya goin'" Bulma drawled, pointing the rifle at the blue cat as it tried to lead its master to an escape. Not waiting for an answer, she used some of the sleeping powder juice the pig kept in his fridge (because of  _course he did_ ) to put the cat to sleep.

Goku came forward to poke the sleeping cat, because of course he ignored her directions to stay inside, so Bulma, as always, and as was her natural birthright, took charge. "Tie them up and put them in the brig!" she commanded.

"The wha—"

"The bedroom."

"Oh."

"And you," Bulma said, turning to Gine, who paused in her approach back towards the camper, "Get to track their hide-out with  _this_ ," she said, presenting the other woman with some locks of the desert bandit's hair.

She was rich! It wasn't creepy or stalkery when she did it, just eccentric. Besides, what, was he going to #metoo  _her_? In the middle of the desert?

Gine frowned. She seemed about to protest, but some glint in Bulma's eyes, or the way the heiress felt her lips twitch into a smirk shut her up quick. Meekly, the older woman turned away and flew up into the air, and Bulma was not at all ashamed or abashed as she watched her leave, looking up and underneath the towel and simply allowing herself to enjoy the view, even as Gine's son bustled around, taking their captives inside.

She was Bulma, goddammit, and since she had been five years old she had been making even the hardened Super Elites of the Galactic Patrol _bow_. Whether she could actually remember all those details clearly or accurately or not, it didn't matter.

First she was going to wish herself a man that treated her the way she deserved, then, who knows, a year later she could wish for another, or for a woman! She had the Dragon Radar, from now on, once a year, every year, she could get whatever she wanted, because she _deserved_ whatever she wanted. And it was about time the world realized it.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Gine paused in her work, and stopped sorting through the valuables and belongings of the desert bandit in his home in the cliffside, the very instant she realised what she was doing, as she held some sort of earthling medication she didn't quite recognize (but smelt strangely _familiar_ nonetheless) in her hands.

In her last days in her first career, what felt like a lifetime ago, this is what she had done, no longer able to stomach any other parts of the job, she had sorted the spoils, the technology, anything left standing and undestroyed while the rest of her ( _friends, lovers, sisters-and-brothers-in-arms)_ comrades finished 'cleaning up.'

It had been so quick, so  _easy,_ so _**simple**_ to fall back into routine, to categorize weapons, clothing, vehicles, all at the behest of another being and their demands.

And she'd done it all because of an entitled child with a malicous smirk.

A child she was  _stronger than_ , she realized belatedly. Her life, her family, her home wasn't at stake to the every whim of a tyrant.

She frowned, considering.

They didn't need the young man's clothes, which he didn't exactly have a lot of, and which didn't have tail holes, and Bulma probably would have complained about how they looked or something else superficial anyway.

She had no use for any of this world's weapons, and she found that she didn't entirely trust her younger companion with any of them either.

...However, earlier, Bulma had mentioned that the fuel for the vehicle from that accursed pig was running low, and, while useful as a place to rest and recover and live and survive, it wasn't actually a very good method of travel for the desert, or the mountains they were going to.

After some consideration, she picked the two capsules for vehicles she had identified, and then cleaned up the place as she had learned from her Papa, in lessons on how to be a good guest.

She flew back to their camper as fast as she could, and went immediately to the bedroom upstairs, where Bulma was standing in front of the handsome young man, with long hair and a gentle face so much like both of her boys, and that scar that couldn't help but remind her of their father, in a way that made her heart  _ache_.

Just being around Bulma (and Gine herself) made him a little aroused, but also scared, and confused and upset, and Gine felt bad for him.

(Dimly, she noticed something else about his scent, but decided to ignore it for now, and file it away for later.)

Bulma scowled, a sight hauntingly familiar as always, and barked "Don't interrupt my interrogation!" but Gine just met her gaze with one of her own, trying to remain as cool and composed as she didn't at all feel, and stalked over to the closet, where the only clean clothing they had in the vehicle remained.

The entire time, she kept eye contact with Bulma, trying to assert dominance the way she had seen Bard-...  _him_ do in the past on missions, even over actual elites.

...She didn't think it worked, judging by the incredulous, almost mocking expression on the girl's face, but at this point Gine honestly did not care.

Ignoring her protests, she picked up Bulma and the young man, and released the cat from the rope, and headed out the window to drop the two outside.

"Goku! Could you get our things for me please!?" she called inside, before she headed back through the window and back to the closet.

Gine briefly considered whether looking this ridiculous would really be an improvement, and eventually decided that she didn't care, having to keep wearing this towel around herself was worse.

So she put on the bunny costume, poking her own tail through the fluffy fake one, and finally decided to put the fake ears on for extra measure.

When she returned outside, she undid the bonds on the young man's arms, and then tossed two of the capsules she'd taken. As her son hurried outside, their bags packed and in his arms and on his shoulders, she approached the side of the camper, and pressed the button to return it to capsule form.

She tossed the capsule to the cat, who still seemed to have his (or her? Gine wasn't entirely sure how much she wanted to trust scent anymore,) wits, and caught it, numbly.

Glancing at Goku, and relieved when he followed her lead, she bowed to the two bandits and said "Sorry for the trouble" before she put the bags (checking that the one with the Dragon Balls was there, and they were) in the floorspace of one of the seats of the larger car, and physically secured her son and daughter (her son and _Bulma_ , she meant to think... nevermind, forget it, no matter how irrirated she was with the girl's attitude she'd still willingly _die_ for her by now) in the seatstrap... Things?

She wasn't entirely sure how they worked, but they seemed important for safety, from those media programs Bulma had shown earlier, so.

All the while, Bulma kept yelling and screaming and screeching, but Gine fixed her with a Look, showing all her teeth, and thankfully the girl went quiet.

Gine decided this was as good as she was ever going to get, and got into the pilot's seat to operate the foot levers and the steering mechanism and get them going.

The vehicle of three left the desert bandit and his cat extremely confused in the desert night next to their own vehicle, speeding off towards Frypan Mountain and the remainder of their quest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"...Did she not know that was the capsule car with the tracker in it?" Puar asked their master, and turned to see Yamcha, surprisingly recovered, glaring after them, already in the seat of the other vehicle.

"Come on! They're getting away!"

With a sigh, Puar flew into the other seat, and without hesitating, Yamcha gunned it, making sure to keep the other vehicle ahead and in his sights.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 Goku huffed out a sigh, he was so  _bored,_ and things with Bulma and Mama were so  _tense_ now.

Goku glanced at a reflection in one of the mirrors when a shine caught the corner of his eye, and noticed once again that the Yamcha guy was still following them in that other car, but Goku kept it to himself. It was really swell that he wanted a rematch too!

Goku blinked when a new smell caught him, and so he leaned towards Bulma's crotch and tummy to sniff there, and then leaned towards his mom's seat to sniff as much of her as he could reach.

Oh, great, another problem! Mom's monthly thingy was going to be happening early in a few days or so, and Bulma's was going to be at the same time it smelled like!

Mom felt pretty bad when it happened, she didn't need this, this, _whatever_ this was on instead, because of _course_ she heard him and didn't just pretend like she didn't, "is when you capture an enemy and try to get information out of them."

Bulma glared at his mom then and Goku got worried again. "So, when are you gonna interrogate me?" she asked.

Mama stopped the car. "We aren't enemies," she said, which made sense to Goku.

Speaking of enemies though, a big dinosaur ran across the road in front of them, and Goku hurried to unbuckle the seatbelt thing and open the door. "I call dibs!" He shouted back, and followed it into the woods.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

"You're not with the Galactic Patrol," Bulma said, simply, without preamble. "If you're not here to protect Earth, then you're here to destroy it or conquer it."

It was funny, honestly, she'd been so _cocky_ just a few hours ago, thinking she was on top of the world, that she could order around Gods, Demons and Aliens alike as she saw fit, that someday she could practically rule the entire universe.

And now she was resigned to die, like all the dumb little girls who got in over their heads in her big sister's favorite stories.

(That was a lie, she knew, and if her sister had ever heard her make the comparison even in jest she would have done _far_  worse to Bulma than any alien ever could, and Bulma knew it. Her sister's favorite stories were about _hope_ , and when the protagonist, usually or always a girl, was  _ever_ in a difficult situation or out of her depth, she would,  _always,_ rise to the occasion.)

(Bulma also knew that her sister would recognize when she was sulking because she didn't get her way, because Tights was the only person in her life who didn't always give her whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it.)

"All I want now, is for my son to live," Gine said softly, her expression too open, and sincere for Bulma's liking. She was used to the absentmindedness of her parents or the vapidness of her peers, but  _honesty?_ She didn't know what to  _do_ with honesty.

Bulma frowned, steeled herself, and placed a hand, gently, on the other woman's arm. Gine looked down at it, uncomprehendingly, and Bulma smiled, weakly, at a person she knew could effortlessly destroy everything she loved. (And would  _hate herself_ for it, part of her hissed.) "Hey," Bulma said, floundered for a bit, and finally said "My mom's a psychologist" which, while true, was maybe the worst thing Bulma could ever imagine herself saying, for several reasons, like the fact that her mom could barely remember her own children, and was so airheaded that Bulma and Tights had regularly joked about her floating away, and while Bulma didn't technically know anything about the time when the woman had been practicing, the fact that she quit to be a trophy wife said it all, in Bulma's book.

Still, Bulma thought about the signs and symptoms she saw, the practiced military demeanor when Gine'd been obeying Bulma's orders, the way that had collapsed, in an instant, the way she didn't always seem all there; dissociation, maybe?

Gine stared at Bulma, tears in her eyes, and sniffed. "What's a psychologist," she said guilelessly.

Bulma's genius mind worked furiously and fabulously as it always did to try to come up with the answer, as well as to come up with a thousand counter questions to satisfy her own curiosity, forget Dragon Balls and wishes, getting to poke and prod at an alien war-vet with PTSD was  _way_ more interesting.

Instead, when Bulma opened her lips all that came out of her was a shriek, because in the meantime their car had been picked up and thrown at a burning mountain by a bearded giant with horns.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Yamcha grimaced. He'd been afraid of this. He'd hoped those suckers would be able to handle more of the legwork, they were strong enough to beat  _him_ after all, the great Yamcha, but he should have known better.  _Everyone_ had heard of thd great Ox-King after all.

The mighty Ox turned towards where he and Puar had hidden, and he got out of the car and into view, ready to fight, he was of course a little bit worried when the giant drew a pair of axes taller than Yamcha himself, but what choice did he have?

Fortunately however, he was saved when the car came flying back and crashed into the giant ox of a man.

The purple girl and the woman flew down and landed in front of him, the girl his age being put down from a secure grip in the older one's arms, and Yamcha wanted to hide but found that, as always, he couldn't move. He did, however, notice that, while the bunny costume the strangely youthful mother was wearing wasn't burned at all, or even singed, the dark-haired woman's bare, muscular back and shoulders were noticeably reddened and even blistered from the heat of the mountain.

All Yamcha could do as stand there and watch as this tiny thin woman stood there, while the the girl started coming towards h- _him_?

He cringed, his arms raising defensively, and he flinched when she came right behind him, pressing her body flush against his back, while crouching down to hide behind him.

He felt his face flushed at the way the softness of her chest pressed against his back, and wondered what it would be like to feel against that softness of his own, or better yet the day when his chest was hard, and he could be just _himself._

...Being able to _talk_ to her, or _any girl_  without freezing up like this still took priority though.

He blinked, and realized he'd forgotten about the Ox-King entirely, and when he looked back, he saw the mountainous man standing there unharmed and unruffled, with the car sitting on the ground next to him, surprisingly also unscathed. Not even a scratch on the paint job, which made Yamcha confused, until he thought he heard the Ox mumble something quietly under his breath as he leaned down to inspect the car. "Good lookin' vehicle" the mumbling sounded like.

"Sir," the woman interrupted the inspection and if Yamcha could move right now he would kill her dead. "Why did you throw us?"

He watched as the giant man glared down at them. "AREN'CHA YA'LL HERE TO STEAL MY TREASURE?" the voice boomed.

"N-no sir?" Bulma said from behind Yamcha, while Gine frowned.

"Isn't the Dragon Ball we're looking for somewhere over there, Bulma?" she said, pointing at the mountain.

The Ox-King just got a confused look on his face, which would have been comical in any other circumstance. "THE DRAGON'S _WHAT!?_ "

"It's a jewel, that—"

" _JEWEL!?_ Y'ALL _ARE_ TRYIN' TA STEAL FROM ME!" the Ox-King, no, the _demon_ , Gyū Maō roared, slamming his axes down...

...Where they shattered, harmlessly, into so many fragments of steel, on the dark-haired woman's head.

A few strands of her hair did seem to be cut though, and floated through the air before sinking down to the ground.

The man growled, and swung his arm in a mighty haymaker punch, and Yamcha could tell by watching that there was _some_ technique to the blow, but the man seemed more like a brawler by nature, and delivering a proper punch to someone that came to his kneecaps probably wasn't easy either.

The blow landed, but didn't seem to _do_ anything, stopping the moment the knuckle as big as her entire face landed against the woman's brow. "Sir, we don't have to fight, I don't want to hurt you," she said, comically muffled by the giant hand in her face.

Yamcha blinked. He was even more surprised when, a scowl on his face, Gyū Maō actually _shook his hand in the air_ like it had _hurt **him**_.

Then, finally, with a roar that almost seemed to part the clouds, and made the earth around them shake and even the flames on the mountain moved like being blown by a strong wind, the Ox Demon, already a massive slab of muscle and bone, seemed to get _even_ **_bigger_**. His arm muscles, biceps and triceps and all the rest enlarged and flexed and Yamcha saw veins stand up from them as he continued to roar. Finally, the armor on the demonic man's chest seemed to bulge briefly and then _exploded_ off of him, showcasing pecs and abs that Yamcha dimly thought were bigger than Yamcha's entire body.

"GET READY TO DIE!" Gyū Maō boomed, pulling his arm back, and, Yamcha noticed, his punch had a lot more technique now than the furious swing of earlier, and his hips even rotated with the blow.

Still the woman stood there, stock still, even as the massive arm barreled towards her, until finally it struck.

And sent her _flying_.

"Gine!" the girl cried behind him, (oh, so that's her name, neat,) and as Yamcha watched, the Ox-King's body shrunk down, leaving him still muscular, and still taller than anything Yamcha had ever seen, but with less definition, and less bulging of visible muscle groups.

Yamcha narrowed his eyes when the other man let out a breath, and wiped a sheen of sweat from his forehead. Maybe now, they had a chance!

He got into a stance, ready to fight—

And was interrupted by a flying spinning turtle that landed between them, with an old man, a little girl in some sorta steel bikini armor, and that Goku kid on it, and they all seemed to jump off of the turtle to bend over and vomit on the ground.

"Master!? Chi-Chi!?"

"Goku!"

The two kids collapsed, but as they recovered, they looked up, smiling. "Hey Mr. Yamcha!" Goku called over. "Can our rematch wait a little bit?"

Meanwhile, the old man hobbled over, taking a look at the fire, and he had a _magnificent_ shiner on one eye, a cast on his leg, a series of bandages around his torso, which he seemed to carry stiffly, and a neck brace. He glanced at Yamcha, and Yamcha got the grossest feeling up his spine, like maybe he wasn't binding enough. "You should see the other guy," the man said with what might have been a wink behind his glasses.

"Grandpa looked fine to me, Master Roshi," Goku said.

" _Gohan_ did this to you?" the Ox-King said.

The old man froze, then kept walking towards the inferno. "SO!" Roshi began loudly, "I hear you've been makin' out like a bandit. And not the good kind of makin' out neither," he said, blowing an air kiss in Yamcha's direction.

Yamcha didn't understand it, he was binding so tightly he could feel it when he tried to breathe and  _oh shit Gine's right behind me—_

He whirled around and crashed into the purple-haired girl, who was facing the other woman and trying to go around him to her, and as a result they fell, tangled together awkwardly.

Well. This was how Yamcha was going to die, on his back, with a woman's chest in his face and her knee between his thighs.

And he hadnt even been able to say a word to her.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Chi-Chi frowned as her papa bowed and begged and pleaded to the old man named Roshi.

He couldn't possibly be the "Invincible Old Master of Heaven" she'd heard so many stories about.

She wished the other old man, Gohan, had come with them instead. He could ride on the cloud instead of that spinny turtle! And he'd blocked her blade effortlessly, without batting an eye!

She smiled, though, thinking about how kind he'd been to her, and all the nice things he'd said about her Papa, and how much  _fun_ he'd seemed to have with Goku when they were just _talking_ to each other.

She looked up, and realized her Papa was standing behind her, and was he _hiding_? And then Old Man Roshi approached the wall in front of their castle.

She watched as Goku's mom Gine, (and _gosh_  was she pretty,) helped the old man onto the wall, and then stept back with her arms crossed. "Thank you darlin' but actually, if you don't mind sticking around, could you keep stand by to give me a boost?" Roshi said.

"A boost? But I already put you on the wall!"

"Not that kind of boost!" Roshi shouted. "Look, you aren't a fighter," Roshi said bluntly. "But there's techniques out there where a person's ki can be shared with another to heal or empower them. I might need to borrow some of yours."

Gine blinked, seemingly surprised, and no wonder, Chi-Chi hadn't heard of this either! Then Gine just turned towards the castle, the flames lighting her face and casting strange, ominous shadows there.

Then Roshi's muscles all seemed to bulge, surprising Chi-Chi a lot. This was the 'MAX_POWER' technique her Papa had showed her and started teaching her! It really  _was_ Master Roshi!

She watched, though, when he winced as the bandages on his chest and the neck brace all seemed to burst. She frowned, and noticed that Gine started searching and patting herself down, like she was looking for something in her bunny costume.

"I gots the first-aid kit, mom!" Goku said, hurrying over to the wall with a big case with a first aid cross on it. How thoughtful!

"KA! ME!" Roshi shouted, the noise of his voice eclipsing even the roar of the flames, and even just him speaking seemed to shrink the inferno down a little, as if cowed or frightened. But then, like the fur of a cornered animal, it fluffed itself up and grew ever bigger as if in a challenge.

"HA!" Roshi said, every inch of him shaking like a leaf, and Chi-Chi worried, is it too much for him? Gine seemed to have the same idea, and held her hand towards him, and she seemed to glow with pink light, her pink mixing with his blue.

"M-me," Roshi croaked, and suddenly Chi-Chi (and everyone else, it seemed, judging from the way they jumped and looked around, her Papa jumping in particular seemed to make the ground shake comically) started at the sound of a voice shouting in her head, in Roshi's voice!  _ **EASE UP!** Ease up, ease up **now,** ease up MORE than that, **dammit!** Do ya wanna blow me sky-high!?_

Gine looked panicked, like she didn't know what to do, and she seemed to be about to put her hand down, but the moment she did a panicked 'EH!' sound started to echo in their minds again from the old man. So she kept her palm raised in his direction, but the bright pink seemed to recede into almost an invisible hum. Only it still _sounded_ pink somehow, to Chi-Chi? In a way she couldn't quite describe.

 

_** "HA!" ** _

 

Roshi himself shined pink like a sunset, and as she watched, the pink glow around him seemed to change colors, from pink to purple to blue, focused in his outstretched hands as he pointed them towards the burning mountain, her _home_.

But, as she watched, a spark of pink ignited in the center of his palms, amidst all the blue, and as Roshi fired the blast, it all turned pure _white._

A beam of white light crashed against the mountain, and there was an explosion of noise (auditory  _and_ visual) and pressure, like nothing Chi-Chi had ever seen or felt before.

And then when it all cleared and faded, the terrible, raging fire that had haunted and disrupted her life for years was gone.

...And so was the mountain, and the castle she lived in.

"Whoops!"

...Chi-Chi was going to kill him.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Gine still  _really_ didn't understand these Earthlings.

Thankfully, as she and Goku worked to apply bandages and braces and slings and splints to Roshi's body, he had been in instructional mode. Both to her and Goku, as he guided her in how to share her energy to heal, and guided Goku as he tried to form one of those Kamehameha waves.

To her frustration, he picked up his lesson much more quickly than she had hers.

(She did note, however, how quickly he took to the blast. It was quite an impressive technique, some part of her noted, she had abandoned any devices to measure Battle Power, because of the danger they posed, but she felt certain that Goku hadn't gotten _much_ stronger over the years since they arrived, and she had been stronger still than he was now when she had created her only personalized attack, the Sunday. And, she could be wrong, but the way he destroyed the capsule car seemed like the blast was actually _stronger_ than the Sunday when she first made it?)

"YOU LITTLE MONKEY SON OF A BITCH!" Bulma had screeched, Dragon Ball in hand.

...Oh, right, he destroyed the Capsule Car.

...Did Bulma just insult _her_ , or Bardock? And what the fuck was a 'bitch' anyway?

"With Gohan gone, I don't have anybody to cook or clean anymore," Roshi muttered, ignoring the commotion of Bulma' screaming, before he turned back to her and Goku. "How'd you two like to live and train with me back on my island!" he offered loudly, and Gine frowned.

"Wait, what happened to Papa? I thought he was with you?"

"He took the Nimbus to go train with somebody named Karen," Goku explained.

"IT'S K _OR_ RIN!" Roshi said.

"...Or it  _could_ be Karen, honestly, it's been a while," he admitted sheepishly, and Gine felt the irrational urge to laugh. "But with an 'I' though! K-A-R-I-N!"

Gine frowned. "Why don't we go to be with him," she asked.

"Goku's not ready," Roshi said simply. "And  _you_ have some things to learn yourself, missy," he added, glancing at her over the rim of his glasses.

"I wanna train too!" the little girl, Chi-Chi, shouted loudly. Which seemed to surprise her father.

"But Chi-Chi, I thought you said _—"_

Chi-Chi stomped her foot, and the giant man shrank back, in a way that made Gine frown as it reminded her of other kings and their children.

"Son Gohan makes  _his_ daughter train, and she doesn't like to!" the girl said, pointing at Gine, who blinked, surprised at being included. And at how much the girl already knew about her, when Gine knew comparatively little about the girl.

"If I may," Roshi interjected, "Who's to say I'll even accept you? Son Gohan kept his honor, but the Ox-King didn't _—"_

"BUT I WILL!" The girl shouted angrily, glaring at the old man. Who, in turn, only raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. Her father cowered behind her, looking from her to his master and back again.

"...I can cook almost as good as my daddy?" the girl finally offered.

"Really!? You can cook!?" Goku said excitedly, leaning towards the girl. Who blushed, and Gine was confused at the new smell now. It wasn't  _arousal_ strictly, the girl was much too young and underdeveloped for _that_ , but...

It. Somehow it reminded her of the way  _he_  would smell, sometimes, when he'd just.  _Look_ at her, sometimes, whether she was recovering in a healing tank, or teaching Ra... their son, or slicing a cut of meat or even just sleeping.

...Had she smelled like that too, ever, when she thought about  _him_? She wasn't sure, she  _could_ detect changes in her own scent, sometimes, when she was paying attention, like when she'd discovered she was carrying ~~Kakarot~~ _Goku_  before she'd had him removed and put in the incubator, but if she wasn't thinking about it, like when she'd missed her cycle, would she have noticed any other changes?

"MOM!" Gine looked up, and noticed Goku was pulling on her leg, and she looked down and saw him, his face squashed  _adorably_ against the girl's, who was blushing cutely. "Me and Chi-Chi are going to get married!" he announced.

Gine blinked. "Okay?" she said, then frowned, as she realized that, while marriage was a  _thing_ she knew about, she probably didn't know what an Earthling marriage actually entailed. "Do you need me to do anything?" she asked, remembering when she had been forced to prepare a cut of the finest meat in the world for the childhood betrothal of the eldest Prince to some other Elite, and, more morbidly, the betrothal of a younger prince to his own death, the day of his banishment.

"You're _okay_ with that?" the scar-faced bandit, Yamcha(?) exclaimed from where he'd been lurking, obviously trying to hide and avoid them without much success.

Gine didn't entirely know what to say or do, so instead she just shrugged, helplessly.

She did take a second 'look' so to speak, reevaluating her son, and the girl next to him, and while she could still smell... _something,_ from her, seemingly directed or focused to him, he didn't smell the same way? He clearly _liked_ her, the way he liked Gine herself, or Bulma, or Turtle, or a warm meal in his belly, or a strong foe to fight, but...

...Gine felt suddenly out of her depth, in a way more profound even than when her life was in danger. A bunch of Earth concepts she was dimly aware of and had heard before, all cluttered and barged against her mind.

She had never heard the word "romance" before her Papa Gohan had mentioned it in Earth fairy tales and myths and stories, and while her home, contrary to outside (and even most inside) observers  _did_ have a concept akin to the Earth word 'love' it was spoken of only in hushed tones, as something shameful,  _degenerate_ and, thankfully, rare.

The Earth concept of 'sin' came to mind, honestly.

While it was  _rumored_ that the King had 'loved' his Queen, no one, Elite or Low-Class alike would  _dare_ to bring it up or say it aloud.

Her friends, ( _her other mates, her not-husbands_ part of her whispered, thinking of long nights, alone, when Toma and Selipa's armors would come off, and _—)_ had, she knew, thought the word, occasionally, they must have, the looks on their faces, disgusted and confused when they saw her and Bar...

She had thought his name earlier, she realized, and suddenly everything _hurt_ anew.

"Mom?" Goku asked, worried, the way he always did when she was upset, when she thought of _him_ , and she felt herself tear up, her boy was so _good_ , and looked just like his father, always there to protect her, and great, now she was crying, another _weakness—_

"FINE!" Roshi shouted. Gine blinked. She'd forgotten he was there, honestly. There was a strange look in his eyes, knowing, judging.

She thought of the way his words had resonated in her mind earlier. Could he read her  _thoughts_?

"The girl can train with me," Roshi said. "But you all better be the best dang students I've ever had, ya hear!?"

"Yessir!" Gine said as she snapped to attention automatically, Goku and Chi-Chi doing the same (somewhat sloppily, she noted) right behind her.

""HEY!" Bulma shouted, snapping Gine's attention back to her. "Plan your arranged child marriages on your own time, or whatever you hicks do! We still have MY Prince Charming to wish for! Move, move, move!"

"Hmph," Roshi groused. "That bunny suit would look much better on her, if she'd _shut her mouth_ ," he grumbled, and Gine frowned.

Mating as the feeling struck, or propositioning mating was one thing, (the fact that Roshi tried anyway and kept propositioning, or, 'flirting' if that's what it was called? When he was rejected was an issue onto itself, Gine thought) but why would  _clothes_ be any part of it, she wondered. And couldn't  _stop_ wondering, now that she'd started.

Like, those weird fluffy pink 'brassiere' or 'lingerie' things in that. Commercial? That came on the 'television' with Bulma. Would... Her husband. Would he have  _liked_ that? Or would he have thought it was as ridiculous and, frankly, _silly_ as she did right now?

"You wanna come with, Chi-Chi," Goku offered, but the Ox-King put a hand on her son's shoulder to interrupt him.

(Would he be the Ox-King's son too, she wondered. Would Chi-Chi be her daughter? She and. Her husband, she thought, numbly, had never known their parents,  _most_ of the lower-class didn't, or known of their siblings, or any other family. Mostly they got by on "does this one smell closely enough related to me that mating would be gross and produce birth defects" as the metric to go by.)

(There hadn't even been any paperwork to fill, she remembered, the first time she had requested access to the incubator her son was in, because nobody had actually _tried_ to do so before her.)

"Chi-Chi needs to stay here with me," the Ox-King said with finality, meeting the girl's glare with one of his own, forcing her to pout and huff, "To fix the castle, and reassure some of the villagers and get them to come back."

"Oh. Okay!" Goku simply shrugged and accepted it easily.

"Make sure to come back and get me when you're ready!" Chi-Chi said, looking at Goku with her hands on her hips, and he nodded.

"I will!" He said confidently.

...Gine wasn't entirely sure her son would remember that, but she would!

She'd try to!

...She hoped?

Oh well, she thought, getting into the backseat of the Ox-King's hovercar beside her son, while Bulma climbed into the front. 'What'll be will be,' she reasoned.

"To the last Dragon Ball!" Bulma announced, loudly and proudly.

And, with that, they sped off towards the horizon once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making Ox-King as strong as he is here is admittedly just because I can.
> 
> He's one of the _Journey to the West_ characters though, and like Son Goku he actually keeps his name (except written in Japanese instead of Chinese, like how you get Son Goku from Sun Wukong) so.
> 
> ...There's not a lot about Ox-King's strength, but a handful of sources put him at 800-900, and a few sources say that he's strong but doesn't have a lot of technique.
> 
> Some filler puts him as able to be taken out by the Red Ribbon Army and Piccolo's goons, but that's filler.
> 
> And anyway, he's too big and slow to dodge most attacks, and with how fast most Dragon Ball fights get, just being able to punch really really hard isnt always the greatest thing in the world.
> 
> Unless the person you're punching can't sense energy and just decides to take it.
> 
> [Is Ox-King even human, honestly?](https://unnounblr.tumblr.com/post/181046973407/dragon-ball-theory) I don't have a clue.
> 
> ...I'm not a medical professional, but I don't think heat exhaustion actually works like that, probably not that quickly, but shush, _drama._ The mountain boy space monkey alien is in the desert for the first time!
> 
> ...Anyway, uh, to further clarify on shipping, the only endgame ship I think I'm 100% committed to as endgame is probably definitely Bulma/Vegeta because I'm aromantic as all hell and even I can tell that they're _perfect_ for each other. And, I don't necessarily mean that in a _good_ way, but I don't mean it in a bad way either exactly. Just in a "facts" way. They _deserve_ each other in every way it is possible to mean that.
> 
> Like. Just [look at them.](https://unnounblr.tumblr.com/post/180224246682/dragonball-fandompost-they-are-perfect-for-each) I dunno about y'all, but I honestly can't actually argue with that.
> 
> ...Listen, I honestly do love Bulma, I love her a lot, but she's _really_ not actually a good person. And Yamcha deserves better than the way she treats him when they're dating.
> 
> ...For Gine's nightmare about what Bulma would look like after Saiyan puberty, when I outlined and drafted the sequence I basically imagined a purple Great Ape Vegeta with boobs, but when I actually wrote it I started picturing giant Ribrianne from Super? So. That's an interesting bit of trivia. Or maybe I'm just weird. I dunno.
> 
> I think there's some interesting bits about Saiyan biology that sometimes get overlooked, and their growth process as described in the pages of _Jaco_ is one of them. Even before that, Goku was sixteen or seventeen when he impaled King Piccolo, depending on when his birthday was. And he didn't really grow in that time from the begining of the series, 4 or 5 years after he met Bulma.
> 
> ... Anyway, aside from all that, I still think the fact that Goten and Trunks dont grow or age in Super is a little BS because Gohan did, and he's a half-Saiyan.
> 
> I'm not doing this as a comic, and I cannot draw for shit, but I also maybe picture the characters differently than official media.
> 
> SSVCloud and Zelenal in their Tales of the Monkey Queen have Chichi as being tall and buff when she grows up, like her dad, and. I do like that? At the very least, I like her having a parental resemblance of, really, any kind, to the Ox King. And I don't like the trope of "ugly" guys having "beautiful" daughters that look nothing at all like them? Maybe she's an average-sized woman, shorter than a man, but she has horns? Or instead of being a head shorter than Goku she's a head taller? I dunno.
> 
> I also sorta intend to picture the other characters that aren't Saiyans (...or Krillin) to have more "natural" growth rates, instead of going from kid size to adult size in, like, a panel.


	4. Carrots and Rice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a couple chapters back I got some comments about Chichi, and I answered them there partially, but I've not been able to stop myself thinking about them.
> 
> And I want to preface the rest of this note by saying that I _love_ Chichi. The fandom, Toei, Bandai-Namco, Shuesha, Toyotaro and Toriyama all do her dirty, and it's despicable. She deserves better.
> 
> But the comment I got was about Chichi being a "good mom" and.
> 
> Like, from the moment I laid eyes on my baby when they were born, I have been so fanatically devoted and protective that I value their life and safety and health _significantly_ more than my own.
> 
> And if some jackass big green slug demon was throwing my baby at plateaus or feeding them to dinosaurs I would _hunt that gastropod bitch_ to the ends of the earth and _rip out his fucking throat_ with my fucking _teeth_.
> 
> Or, Y'know, I would die trying. That's admittedly more likely.
> 
> To me, Chichi not being a fighter anymore after the 23rd tournament is a betrayal of her personality and who she is.
> 
> It's why I have so many conflicting mixed feelings about stuff like her being egged by Buu. On the one hand, the violence against women and treating her like a joke is gross. But, equally, from the standpoint of Chichi's character, yes, _how dare_ that ugly pink laughy taffy turd stand before the Ox Princess when her husband and son are dead.
> 
> What I don't get, and _never_ get, because nobody actually cares enough about her to explain it or explore it, is why Chichi never fights, specifically, _to protect her children._ Doing the fighting herself so they don't have to.
> 
> Like, yes, I know, power levels, but that doesn't stop Yamcha or Chiaotzu or Krillin or Tien from showing up and trying. And either dying or just spectating uselessly, but still. At least they're _there_ , and know what's going on, instead of staying at home and being in the dark when the cameras blow up.
> 
> Chichi fighting Raditz, fighting Goku, fighting Piccolo or Nappa or Vegeta or Krillin, Bulma, Freeza or Cell for daring to put her baby boy in harm's way.
> 
> It's honestly jarring in the original weekly serialized Japanese run of the manga, where they didn't actually change the name with the "Z" thing, and it's literally Majunior one week and Raditz the next, and Chi-Chi goes from a warrior princess that fights for and takes whatever she wants, whatever she views as hers, to a housewife and stay at home mom who _says_ her kids shouldn't fight and should grow up to be more productive, none of which she's actually _wrong_ about, but she never actually _does_ anything about it, and she always eventually just goes along with whatever her husband (and the plot) wants anyway.
> 
> And it never actually gets explained _why_ she doesn't try to fight or train.
> 
> So. Yeah. That's my Hot Take. If you wanna, leave a comment or don't, whatever. I'm genuinely mad about this but am also just curious and also interested in how fans of Chichi _as she's presented_ are able to defend or even just _understand_ any of that.
> 
> Why there was never a vengeful Chichi going after Piccolo, or a Hunger Games-esque "I volunteer as tribute" thing, with her trying to train instead of Gohan, take his place, so he can have the peaceful life and education she wants him to have, while she's already a fighter, she already has that life, knows that life, what's important to her is keeping him out of it.
> 
> If anyone knows of any Chichi analysis they can link for. Any of that. I'd appreciate it. Because my plot outlines, and my understanding and love and appreciation and respect of Chichi's character is honestly _screaming_ at me over all of this.
> 
> Gohan not being a fighter makes significantly more sense to me than Chichi not being one. Because Chichi's not actually a gentle soul or a pacifist like Gohan. She wants Gohan not to fight because fighters are dumb and poor and useless in peacetime, and also because he's a _child_ , but not because of some moral stance on fighting itself.
> 
> ...She _is_ definitely a good mom, but.
> 
> ...Dunno what I'll have to talk about in Buu or god forbid Super era Notes if I do all this here in Dragon Ball.

**AGE 749, SEPTEMBER 9TH**

 

 

 

"Please! Don't hurt us! We'll do whatever you want!"

"Spare us, please!"

Gine was dimly aware of a blank look on her face, and her motions being stiff and robotic, because she  _really_ didn't want to be here right now, with the panic and the screams. Some part of her probably  _wasn't_ here, she thought, as she walked besides Bulma on what Bulma called 'shopping'. Did Bulma think this was strange?

 She glanced at Bulma, who had her arms full of possessions, given to the two of them for free, and realized, no, the girl was  _way_ too self-absorbed and spoiled to realize there was anything strange about them being given whatever they wanted.

They kept looking at  _Gine,_ which was strange and upsetting. She didn't want to scare anyone, and from what she could tell the only thing different about her was her tail.

She briefly considered removing her tail, then shuddered. Why would anyone do that, it was _horrible_.

Gine and Bulma walked out of a clothing store, Bulma in a new outfit with sandals, white pants and a top as well as a vest, and walked down the street, heading towards where they'd left their hovercar for Goku, (or, realistically, Yamcha and Puar, who apparently thought they were hiding and following them secretly even though they kept helping them and participating in their conversations? It was strange,) to fill with fuel.

As she kept walking, she realized she's been so distracted with her thoughts that she'd lost track of her surroundings, as she bumped into a large, almost round man with dark skin and fake rabbit ears on his helmet.

Gine blinked, looked over at the man's partner, also with Rabbit Ears, she glanced around at the people all around diving for cover, and sniffed the stink of fear in the air.

Then she glanced up, rolling her eyes to see the rabbit ears on her own head.

 _"Ohhhhh!"_ she said, smiling at finally getting what was going on this entire strange day. "That explains it!"

"Who do ya think you are, impersonating the rabbit gang!" The pale-skinned and lanky one cried.

"The Boss's new  _bitch_ is what she is," the dark skinned one said as he scrambled to his feet.

"I'm not a dog," Gine said automatically, but she frowned when they raised those 'gun' things.

"Goku, beat 'em up on purpose!" Bulma said in the tones of a command. "Gine, kill them by accident," she added, as a follow-up, which just made Gine frown in hurt but also  _confusion_. Like, was Bulma  _trying_ to be hurtful? Because it was working.

Goku punched the fat one in the gut, and as he did, the man fired off a shot, which hit Gine between the eyes (she didn't even  _feel_ it, honestly, but she still thought it was rude,) and as she watched, almost in slow motion, (which, it _was_ , in a sense, she realized, she could probably move herself fast enough to stop it she just couldn't bring herself to) it ricocheted off of her and into the light-skinned one's chest, and he fell over dead, instantly.

She lurched over, delayed, and tried to force her battle power, her  _ki_ into him, to heal him, but it was like it just slid off. He was dead, and there was nothing she could do.

"B-boss," the remaining man croaked into some device she didn't recognize. "One of us is dead, please help us, we've run into some sorta  _monsters_ here!"

There was a brief pause, as it seemed like the entire town waited, hesitant to even _breathe_ and risk disturbing the silence.

"...I'm on my way," came a strange, tinny voice that sounded extremely reedy and high in pitch.

Immediately the townsfolk panicked and started running around and screaming. "We're all gonna die!" several of them cried.

The remaining thug (Gine didn't use the term as a criticism, just a statement of fact,  _she_ was a thug once, she didn't mean anything by it,) grinned, and said, as the villagers ran and hid in their homes "You're all gonna be ca- _carrots_ when the boss is done with you!"

Gine gasped in shock:

...How could this Earthling _possibly_ have known her son's original name!?

 As she watched, a vehicle with bunny ears and a rabbit's face on it pulled up alongside them, the character for 'rabbit' on the side-door, and as she watched, the door opened, lifting up to reveal...

...A. A _rabbit_?! An actual, _literal_ rabbit!?

He was a rabbit- _person_ , admittedly, but still, didn't this all seem a little too on-the-nose? Nevertheless, she found herself unconsciously admiring his clothes, the purple sleeves and the pink highlights and collar really shouldn't have worked with the puke-green dress shirt, but they  _did_ , maybe it was the blood red "rabbit" symbol on the front?

For some reason, Gine was reminded of a certain emperor, or his long-haired right-hand, or the emperor's posing special squad, but...

No, she thought, this man, just by the _look_ of him, deserved to be in a category all on his own.

...He probably wasn't strong enough to _earn_ that amount of flamboyance, if anyone here was then her and her son wouldn't have landed here, but _still_.

"...A kid and two chicks?  _They_ put the kibosh on ya?"

"Sorry boss!"

"Quit groveling!"

"What are we supposed to be afraid of, Easter or the Circus!?" Bulma cried, and started giggling.

"Watch this," the strange rabbit said, and then lept into the air with a cry. As he landed in front of Gine, in a pretty decent flip, she had to admit, his nose started twitching as he looked up and saw the rabbit ears she was still wearing.

"Let's shake hands, bebbeh," he said, _smoothly_ , and Gine had to admit, the confidence, and dare she say it, the  _charm_  on display there was actually pretty impressive.

"My papa always says to be polite to a new friend," Gine said aloud, as she reached out and shook the rabbit-man's hand, curtseying as she did so.

 

and then gine was a kakarot

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Ahh! _Mommy_!"

"Hey," Goku said, and stopped his own panicking just to glare. "She's  _my_ mommy, get your own,  _Bloomers_."

"Goku!"

 "What!?"

"Don't touch him!" Yamcha finally shouted, interrupting the bickering before it could escalate. "His touch can turn people into carrots!"

Goku glared, gritting his teeth. "Got it. Here I go! Power Pole!"

"Ah, ah, ah!" The rabbit held up Gine-as-a-carrot and wagged her stem back and forth. "Hurt me, and the babe gets it."

Goku grimaced, and then stood down, power pole at his side. "It's not fair," he shouted angrily.

"Life ain't fair kid," the rabbit said breezily, before nodding back at his remaining henchman. "Your turn to earn your keep," he said, and the round man gulped and nodded in fear.

"...Don't just stand around, _get 'im_ , boyo!" the rabbit finally cried impatiently. "Show him what happens to brats that mess with Toninjinka!"

"Not so fast, Carrotizer Bunny!" Bulma shouted, from where she was hiding behind the car. "There's one thing we've got that you don't!"

Toninjinka raised in eyebrow, and he and Bulma stared each other down.

"Look behind you!" Bulma shouted, and Toninjinka looked, realized his mistake, but when he looked back, she was in the hover car, and  _driving away_.

"Bulma!" Goku shouted, "You _coward_!"

"Some friends you ya got there, pally!" Toninjinka snickered.

The rabbit henchman seemed to work up his courage, and stalked over to Goku. "Make a nice example of 'im," Toninjinka commanded.

Goku glared at the man standing over him, and stood his ground, even as he swung.

...And promptly screamed in pain, as he brought his mangled hand away from Goku's face.

Toninjinka sighed, rubbed his eyes under the sunglasses, then dodged a bird as it dove towards him, turning the bird into a carrot.

...For some reason this new carrot still had a face, it must be a student of a transformation school, he realized. It turned back from a carrot into a bee, and he turned that bee into a carrot, then into a butterfly (or, was it a pigeon?) and he turned that into a carrot too.

"Y'know, I'd stop if I were you," he commented, "Because, eventually, every form you can take  _will_ be a carrot, I've dealt with you transformation types before, y'see," he explained haughtily. "It's just a matter of time," he finished with a smirk.

"SO'S THIS!"

Toninjinka turned around, and saw the hover car barreling towards him, at top speed.

"...Oh," he said, before the vehicular collision sent him flying.

"Bulma!" Goku cried, happily, as she got out of the car, carrot in hand, a grin on her face and a glint in her eyes.

"...But, who can turn her back if the bunny's dead," Yamcha said, worried, and Goku's eyes widened, and he felt his heart racing, starting to panic, before he lifted his head to sniff the air, and he heard coughs with his hearing.

He stalked over to a pile of rubble, and saw Toninjinka lying buried there, glaring at him through cracked lenses, and so Goku glared back. "Turn my momma back!" Goku demanded, pointing his power pole between the creature's eyes. 

There was some giggling and then coughing, that petered out before the rabbit spoke. "I need to be able to clap my hands for that," he said.

Goku glared then used his power pole to poke at the rubble, moving it off, and freeing the rabbit from entrapment  without getting to close.

Still, he noticed when a piece of rubble shifted enough to allow freedom of movement, and Toninjinka gathered strength in his legs and _jumped_ , lunging for Goku!

Goku hopped back himself, and swung his power pole up between the midair bunny's legs, and had to suppress a wince when he heard a loud  _crack_!

The bunny stopped in midair, fell to the ground, and landed slumped onto his face, his eyes bulging. Finally, slowly, he raised his arms and clapped his hands once, and Goku looked, and sure enough, his mom was back! And the blue furred shapeshifting cat was changing into a bunch of different things and then carrots and back into other things, and screaming a bunch, but finally passed out, as a cat.

"Why do I feel orange," Gine said confused.

Goku grinned, and then, looking at the rabbit and the remaining goon going over to help them, made a decision. He took the draw string of his pants and pulled it out, tying it into a lasso to loop around them, then planted his power pole into the ground.

"Power pole extend!"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 Gine frowned to herself and crossed out her calculations one more time, increasingly frustrated with this math problem she had made for herself.

When her son had, cheerfully as always, told her that he'd taken the rabbit who turned her into a carrot (which, first of all,  _what the **fuck!?)**_ to the _moon_ , she'd smiled, nodded, patted his head, then frowned, because she remembered that  _the full moon was tonight,_ and how the actual fuck was he still her little baby boy and not her great ape baby boy?!?

So she asked Bulma for a writing implement and a piece of paper, because Gine wasn't exactly a brilliant scientist, but this made _no_ _fucking_   _sense_ , and she had to work it out.

"So, 17 million zenos of Blutz Waves is the threshold," she mumbled, thinking of what she could remember from the orientations they had before every mission while traveling in a pod. "...Carry the 1... And with the curvature, and the atmosphere..."

"...I didn't know you dumb hicks could do math," Bulma said, her words as genteel as ever, glancing over at Gine. "Guess you need to do a lot of math for space travel, huh?" the girl said, leadingly.

Gine ignored her, as she was quickly growing used to doing.

"What's a blutz wave anyway," Bulma asked, and Gine was so, _so_ thankful she could stop herself from snapping the pencil  ~~and the girl's _neck_~~.

"Radiation," Gine eventually answered nonchalantly, "When my son and I see enough of them, we turn into giant apes bigger than a skyscraper, and strong enough to destroy a city, or even the planet itself in my case. My son can't control himself when he does it, so the main reason I came along is because I didn't want him to eat you," Gine finally said, looking up at Bulma, hoping the earthling, the girl, the  _friend_ and the  _child_ that Gine had tried so desperately to see was actually in there somewhere. "Because my papa and I would  _feel bad_ if that happened."

Bulma stared back at her, not quite comprehendingly, but Gine couldn't bring herself to care this moment. "What makes Blutz Waves?"

"The full moon reflects light from the Sun at the exact correct frequency. The full moon lasts for 3 nights, every 28 days, tonight is the start of this month's full moon."

"So you're werewolves?"

Gine didn't know what that was. "Sure," she answered quickly and curtly, going back to trying to do the math. This was  _really_ bothering her now. Honestly, how could Goku and that rabbit even  _breathe_ up there!? 

Bulma blinked, then smirked as she turned back to look back out the windshield. "No wonder you're PMSing."

Gine didn't know what that was either, but apparently this time it showed up on her face. "Pre menstrual syndrome," Bulma explained, "I shouldn't say it, it's not quite a real thing, and mostly it's used by sexist guys who _—_ "

"Now that you bring it up," Gine interrupted, "I _am_ pre-menstrual, actually, yes. As are you. Our cycles have synced, apparently."

"That's not a real thing either," Bulma said automatically, before she paused what she was saying and blinked at Gine. "Also, wait, no I'm not, I'm on the pill."

"...Was your 'pill' with those capsules you had and then lost?"

Bulma blinked, and gaped at Gine, dumbly.

"ShiiiiIIIIIIIIT!" she cried, as they crashed into a giant robot in the middle of the road.

"Thanks for the balls, chumps!" the robot said as it took off, with their bag with the Dragon Balls in it grasped in one claw.

"I've got it!" Goku shouted as he charged after the robot on foot.

 Gine sighed, and picked Bulma up and took to the sky.

" _Dammit,_  I don't even have any tampons or pads anymore!"

Gine wasn't looking at the girl's face, but she must have made a noise of some sort because suddenly the purple haired young woman's ire was directed at her now. "What, do you really just  _bleed_ everywhere every month?"

"Yes?" Gine replied, equally as confused and frustrated. "Why, how  _else_ are you supposed to acquire and mark property, without the blood shed in a battle?"

Gine tried _so_   _hard_  to keep a smirk out of her voice and her face, even as she felt the heat of Bulma's glare. "You're just  _fucking_ with me," the other woman seemingly  realized in what sounded like awe.

Gine was  _absolutely_ just fucking with her. You didn't just cover all your possessions in bodily excretions, and then not wash them afterwards, they weren't  _animals._

 _Well,_ Gine added to herself, _We aren't_ yet,  _anyway,_ as she felt the pull of the moon somewhere over the horizon.

...God, it was going to be so  _weird_ knowing that there was a rabbit on it now.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Goku frowned, confused. No Dragon Balls, and the metal man was empty! He couldn't understand it!

"Goku!" Bulma called, "are the Dragon Balls there?"

"No!" Goku called back, and yelped when she ran up to him and lifted him in the air!

"No! Now they'll get their wish! And I won't! NOOOOOOO!" she started sobbing and Goku sighed.

"No, I've got one," he announced, pulling out the four-star ball.

"Why?" Gine asked him.

Goku shrugged. "Grandpa told me to. He wanted me to hide it when Bulma wanted to make her wish, he said the look on her face would be funny."

Bulma turned red and screeched at him, and _wow_ , Grandpa was _so wrong._

"Uh, hey guys!" Yamcha said, driving up in his car, "I've got enough space for everyone, and noticed you're in trouble, so..."

Mom grinned for some reason. "That's a great idea," she said and Goku yelped as she picked him up and tossed him on the cat.

At least Bulma stopped yelling when she landed on Yamcha's lap though.

And, wow, the look on Yamcha's face was _amazing_.

Then mom picked the car up, and, Goku frowned as he realized something.

Why hadn't she done this the whole time!?!

When she put them all down again, they were standing in front of a giant castle, and Goku didn't wanna wait so he headed right inside.

Everyone blinked when they saw a big pink arrow on the floor of the castle. "Should. Should we follow it?" Puar asked.

"Why doesn't Gine here just break the whole castle," Bulma demanded.

"It'd be rude," Goku and Gine answered automatically.

"...It's obviously a trap," Yamcha said.

Gine shrugged, "We're the guests, right? We should follow the instructions," she said with finality, as she walked casually along the series of arrows and around the corner, out of sight.

Yamcha followed after her, hoping to change her mind, and when he rounded the corner he saw her and Goku standing side-by-side next to an embroidered sign on the wall of a dead-end with _"Please Wait"_ written in fancy calligraphy.

Then the stone wall slammed down behind them, and Gine turned and, effortlessly, punched through it, but the moment she did so a cloud of smoke erupted from the walls around them and she, and all the others, fell back, asleep.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

When Gine awoke, she was in some sorta claw thing, hanging from the ceiling, with Bulma in one next to her.

She considered breaking out of it, but her muscles were still so  _relaxed_.

"Tell me where the ball is! Now! You don't want to get on the bad side of Pilaf!"

"I'll take a side of Udon!" Bulma shouted back. "As in, U DON get nothin'!"

"So," the strange little blue imp said, "it's 'The Treatment' you want, is it?"

"Not the treatment!" cried the dog-man in the ninja outfit.

"Sire, please reconsider!" the woman in the trenchcoat said.

"Yesssss..." the strange tiny man said, and Gine grew more alert and awake, as she got steadily more uncomfortable with the way he looked at Bulma, until, finally, he placed his hand on his mouth, and then sorta, pursed his lips in one of those kissing faces? And blew the kiss at Bulma?

The Dog man cried loudly. "Oh! Sire! Why!"

"The humanity!" the woman wailed, the two sinking to their knees and cradling each other.

"Is that it?" Bulma asked bluntly.

Gine had no idea what was going on anymore, but she honestly considered just going back to sleep.

"What do you mean," the imp shouted loudly. "None can resist my kiss of death!" So much for sleeping, Gine thought with a wince.

"I mean, if you wanted to humiliate me," Bulma said, and Gine shuddered at her tone, and the way drool seemed to pool in a corner of the girl's mouth, and the way her smell changed in what was  _definitely_ not shame, "You could strip us both nude, and make us,  _perform_ for you."

'Perform'  _what_ , exactly? Gine started to open her mouth, but then she started to listen what Bulma was actually still saying and  _whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthe **FUCK!?!**_

"Get her to shove her tail right in my—"

"MAI! PUT THEM BACK TO SLEEP!"

"YES SIRE!"

All things considered, Gine would honestly be okay if she never woke up again, she reflected, as the gas was blown from a nozzle right into her face and consciousness left her once more.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

And, of course, when Gine  _did_ wake up it was next to Bulma, who she honestly wasn't sure she could look in the eye.

She shuddered, and started petting her tail, running her fingers through the fur, not able to forget the  _horrible_ things this  _monster_ she'd spent a week with had suggested doing to it.

"KA! ME! HA! ME..." she looked up, and saw her son and Yamcha chanting, focusing energy at the wall, and realized, right, getting out (and away from this _horrid_ , _awful_   Earthling!) was probably a good idea.

"SUN! DAAAY!" she cried, the pink blast making a massive hole in the wall that she calmly stepped through.

She was surprised when she found herself face-to-face with the blue imp and his cronies from before, the seven Dragon Balls pulsing in a perfect synchronization, in a way she found soothing and calming and  _oh_ ** _shit_** _that's the moon in the sky over there._

She groaned, as she felt herself change, and panicked as she heard the screams from the group escaping from the castle because of  _course_ Goku saw it too. She considered yelling out something, but decided to save her breath for when she was about to get  _way_ more lung capacity in a moment.

...It was honestly a little nice, she supposed, being able to control herself like this, to still  _know_ herself and who she was, she hadn't ever been able to, before.

Although, apparently, even before she was still _herself_ , more or less. As time had worn on, and she killed more people and grew more  _uncomfortable_ with it, and grown to question purges and her place in them more and more, on more than one occasion she'd actually  _fought_ her comrades as an Oozaru, even  _Bardock_ , all to defend the locals, and half the time when he'd saved her in those days it was from the others, demanding retribution for that insubordination and betrayl.

...She couldn't actually  _remember_ any of it afterwards, and neither could they, but it was always recorded by the pods, every time. As a result, eventually, their team had been forced to avoid Moon Missions altogether, and stay in their base forms, where, while a hindrance, she could never actually be a detriment to their purging duties.

She couldn't help but remember, the first time she had changed on this planet, the first time she could  _remember_ changing afterwards, when Gohan, not knowing what was going on, had stood between her and her son, trying to protect her from his rampage, when she was in her normal state, asleep, and was woken by the powerful energy blast he had unleashed in her defense, but that still  _wasn't enough_ —

She shook herself, trying to remain calm. He was fine, last time she saw him, and so was her Goku.

Speaking of whom, she looked over to him, now that the transformation was over, and saw just in time when he threw one of the castle's turrets at her.

...He might be fine for now, but she wasn't sure how long that'd last if he kept  _testing_ her like this _._

_"SHENRON! ARISE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"_

She blinked and looked down, and wow, the imp was still there. Right at her feet.

She watched, as a bolt of lightning parted the clouds, shooting up into the sky, and found herself quite literally face to face with a giant whiskered green snout.

 **"I AM THE ETERNAL DRAGON! STATE YOUR WISH AND I SHALL GRANT IT!"** the dragon proclaimed. It was looking right at her with fierce, piercing red eyes, and she could swear that they were literally snout-to-snout, and she was _so_ tempted to touch her nose to his, just to see if she could.

 **"NICE TO MEET YOU,"** Gine said, curtsying and bowing as well as she could as a giant, topless ape without crushing the tiny earthlings that huddled against her toes instead of _running away_ like any other reasonable sapients would.

 **"RRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR"**  Goku roared, and even if she didn't approve of the destruction or the endangerment to innocents a part of Gine couldn't help but  _melt_. He was just so  _cute!_ And so strong! She couldn't be more proud.

She bent down and dug her fingers into the dirt so she was scooping up the Imp and the dog and the woman, lifting them from underneath, and lifted them so they were at eye level with her.

"Shenron! Strike down this mighty monstrous ape holding us," the blue one said, and Gine blinked, honestly impressed at the guts this tiny Earthling had (if not necessarily the intelligence, because she was trying very carefully not to _drop him several stories_ ) watched the dragon's red eyes flash, and felt a strange, mystical, soothing presence in her mind.

 _Hey, sorry, just doin' my job, but do you want to die?_ it seemed to ask her.

 _A little, but not right now?_ she found herself replying.

 **"I CANNOT DO THIS, FOR IT IS BEYOND MY POWER TO EXERT INFLUENCE ON ANY BEING MORE POWERFUL THAN MY CREATOR WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT,"**  the dragon announced.

Some part of her that remembered what battle power readings were took note of this and thought 'Oh, so somewhere less than about 10,000, that's nice to know,' the rest of her decided, before something could happen to her son, that she needed them to not make anymore wishes.

So she covered them with her other hand, careful not to actually crush them, but to block the sound and sight of them, and she half-flew, half-jumped and half-ran towards the horizon until she couldn't even see the castle or the Dragon anymore, left  them on top of one of the giant mushrooms that littered the landscape there, and hurried back.

She was glad she did, because no sooner did she return than Goku seemed to be about attack the Dragon? So, like any reasonable parent would do, she tackled him and bit him in the throat.

She took a look around, searching, and saw Bulma staring wide-eyed, with Puar and Yamcha right beside her, just in front of where Gine and Goku had landed.  **"HEY, GUYS,"**  Gine said,  **"MIND IF YOU COULD _GIVE US SOME SPACE?!"_**  she didn't want to shout (not that she had a choice in this form) but seriously, why were they just standing there? Instead of, again,  _running_?

"You need some help?" Bulma shouted, and Gine sighed in relief, it was so _nice_ to not have to be right next to her when she screamed. "From the dragon, she means!" Yamcha added. Then the two young adults looked at each other, blushed, then held hands and moved closer, so they were standing shoulder-to-shoulder, chest-to-chest, and cheek-to-cheek. "We've already got _our_ wish," they said, before breaking out into giggles.

Gine was a little confused, that smell was back, is that what this human 'romance' thing was? Because she couldn't imagine Bardock or herself doing that, that _giggling_ thing.

She also couldn't help but notice that Bulma was staring at her tail.  _Stop that!_ she wanted to snap.  _It wouldn't_ fit  _in you ANYWAY!_

 **"THANKS!?"** Gine replied politely, **"BUT I DON'T THINK THE DRAGON CAN HELP ANYWAY!"** she said.

The dragon glared at her when she said that. **"I AM SHENRON, THE DIVINE DRAGON,"** he boomed,  " **I HAVE POWERS AND KNOWLEDGE YOU AND YOURS COULD NEVER HAVE EVEN DREAMED OF, _SAIYAN_!"**

Gine stared, and then made a decision. **"Eternal Dragon,"** she began, softening her voice as much as she could, **"I wish for you to return the Saiyan Bardock to life!"**

The Dragon's eyes flashed, and Gine waited with baited breath...

But nothing changed.

 **"I CANNOT DO THIS,"** the Dragon said, seemingly apologetically, **"BECAUSE THE SAIYAN BARDOCK IS NOT DEAD!"**

Gine felt her heart stop, and then she surged forward, face-to-face with the Dragon, pausing only to plant a foot in her son's back to keep him down. **"BRING HIM HERE!"** she roared, **"BRING HIM _HERE!"_** she stomped her feet on the ground and on her son's back, not caring of the way Bulma and the others screamed in fear at her sudden rage as it shook the very Earth itself.  **"BRING HIM HERE! TO ME! _NOW!!!_ "**

The Dragon was unfazed by her wrath, and some part of her that was closer to the surface than it had ever been wanted to make it _bleed,_ but she contained herself, and waited, as once again the Dragon's eyes flashed.

And, once again, nothing changed.

 **"I CANNOT DO THIS," ** the Dragon said, **"BECAUSE THE SAIYAN BARDOCK IS NOWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE MY POWER CAN REACH!"**

 

 

 

* * *

 

In the Demon Realm, below and apart from Universe 7, and more specifically in a temporally displaced version of it, the Masked Saiyan raged against the chains confining him, snapping and snarling at all of the demons, including and especially the one who called herself his 'mistress', the foul  _witch_ who claimed herself his savior while keeping him in chains.

Finally, he earned her ire when he snapped the neck of one of her servants attempting to contain him, and once more, with but a tap on his skull, she returned him to fitful slumber, ensnaring his mind and will in dreams and delusions of worlds where he could see the future, or go to the past, and become every legend and myth his people ever imagined.

And, all the while, a handful of names clung to him and his mind, pouring out of his throat even as he 'slept'. "Gine. Kakarot. Toma... Raditz...Gine, Kakarot, TomaRaditzGineKakarotTomaRa—"

With a sigh, the soon-to-be Queen of the Demon Realm assessed the damage, then with a fit of irritation, flung a potion at her captive subject, to paralyze and silence his tongue, at least for now.

She would make him  _submit_ one of these days, she was sure of it. And, then, once her other projects were complete, nothing would stand in her way, and all of history would be hers!

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Son Gine stared, fell back on her rump, and something in her _broke_. She lifted her head, massive tears falling from her eyes, and she  _howled_  pouring all of her grief, rage and the  _loneliness_ and the  _emptiness_ into the sound, directed at everything, the stars, the moon, the universe itself.

Beside her, the other ape, who she had released, her mind numb to any thought of the destruction he might wreak upon this world, joined her in the howl, and then finally pulled her into his arms, the pair of massive monkeys shaking as they released gallons worth of tears.

 The pair sobbed and sobbed and sobbed more, and when she looked up, into her son's eyes, and saw submission, confusion, but no actual  _recognition_ , she broke again. She couldn't  _do_ this, she thought. She wanted her son to be _her_   _son,_ not just a dumb ape that happened to  _like_ her.

She didn't get much further than that in her thinking when a helicopter landed on her nose. And out hopped Bulma, Yamcha and Puar, all running forward, as teary-eyed as her, to wrap their arms around the bridge of her nose, the spot between her eyes. She sniffed, and started to panic when she saw Kakarot notice them as well, his fur bristling, and a growl rumbling in his chest, but was shocked into relief when Bulma let go of her to whirl around and glare at him, growling and hissing slightly, and he actually _whimpered and backed down,_ moving around to hide behind Gine to avoid Bulma's glare.

Gine blinked back more tears at this display. She was just, so,  _proud_ of the tiny, horny Earthling she's adopted.

** "AHEM" **

The group looked up, and saw the Dragon still there, staring at them. Gine blinked, and flicked her ears, her hearing was much sharper in this form, but she _must_ have imagined that, there was no way the giant immortal Dragon had mumbled that he wanted a _hug_. **"WHAT IS YOUR WISH,"** the Dragon boomed.

Bulma glared from her spot on Gine's snout, (and whoa, going cross-eyed like this was a little dizzying) and shouted at the Dragon "Can't you see we're having a _moment,_ " she screamed, and yes, this was the high-pitched screeching Gine had come to expect, right in her enhanced hearing. "The way I see it," Bulma said, "She's had two wishes you couldn't give her, so now you owe her three!"

** "LOOK, THE RULES ARE THE RULES, DON'T LIKE IT, TAKE IT UP WITH GOD! SO TELL ME, _NOW,_ WHAT. IS. YOUR. WISH!?!" **

Gine blinked back more tears, then raised a finger to wipe them away, but was stopped when Puar turned into a giant hanky and did it for her.

Bulma grinned at her, more kindly than Gine had ever seen her, pressed the button on the helicopter, returning it to a capsule, and then, to Gine's shock, jumped onto Gine's still raised Oozaru finger tip, making her panic and make sure she caught the girl before she could fall. Then Yamcha and Puar followed, and so she was left awkwardly holding three Earthlings in her hand, and had to remember not to close it or jostle it too much.

She brought her hand to the ground, and thankfully they got the hint and stepped off, leaving her better able to focus on the Dragon.

She bumped into her son, and then decided, she had a wish.  **"GREAT DRAGON SHENRON!"** she began,  **"GRANT ME THE KNOWLEDGE TO TRAIN MY SON, THAT HE MIGHT CONTROL HIS OOZARU FORM!"**

The Dragon's eyes flashed, and this time, Gine _felt_ it, this new knowledge blooming and emerging into her mind, a training regimen, with tail training, and, while he was transformed, teaching him the way she taught him anything else, whether language or mathematics or Martial Arts.

 **"YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED!"** the Dragon boomed, gratefully.  **"FAREWELL!"**

There was a flash of light, and the Dragon vanished as the seven balls shot up into the air like lightning, be for vanishing, and while it had already been night, the sky seemed to become much brighter and less dark, the stars becoming visible, while the moon still shone bright and full.

"...So, what now?"

Gine shrugged. **"GOKU WANTS TO TRAIN WITH MASTER ROSHI, AND APPARENTLY THAT MEANS I HAVE TO AS WELL."**

"Oh!" Bulma turned and ran over to a pile of rubble before quickly coming back "Here's your dad's power pole!"

Gine blinked, looked at the tiny red staff in its sheath, then back at Bulma, who smirked. "I'll go with you to leave it at Master Roshi's place,  _if_ you let me take a look at your spaceship, that alright?"

Gine sighed, rolled her eyes, then forced herself onto the ground so they could climb onto her back. Then she lifted into the air, and grabbed Goku's ape form to lift him by the armpits. Then they flew, heading for the sea under the moonlight.

...Why did she feel like she was forgetting something?

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Sire?"

"Yes, Mai?"

"The dragon's gone."

"I know, Mai."

"Sire?"

"Yes, Shu?"

"We're stuck up here."

"I know, Shu."

The group of three 'villains' were silent for several more moments atop the giant mushroom where they had been left.

"Sire?"

"Yes, Shu?"

"I have to pee."

"Go over the side, Shu."

Mai squirmed, uncomfortable. "I  _also_ have to pee, sire."

Pilaf felt himself blush slightly and sighed. Plans for revenge could wait, he supposed, for now, he had to help his best (and only) henchwoman with a more... _pressing_ problem.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

As the spy drone recorded the seven orbs shooting up into the sky, the man who designed it smirked. "Just as I told you, sir."

His companion, a red-haired man with a cybernetic eye, one with a shining red telescopic lens which retracted and extended  as he focused on the viewscreen, nodded. "The balls are real alright, as are the wish and the dragon." He turned to his taller, older companion by swiveling his desk chair and smirked. "But I have to call you out on the alien invasion thing though. The way the strong one seemed to do whatever that Capsule Corp. bitch wanted? If anything, we'll be the ones invading them," he said with a shrug.

"Not 'we', sir, only 'she'," the older man said, before frowning as he realized the mistake in his grammar. "Her, I mean. Capsule Corp. already effectively controls most of Earth's infrastructure, are you telling me that the heiress, who, need I remind you, has already shown herself to be smarter, but much less philanthropic and more self-absorbed than her father, is  _really_ the appropriate person for first contact? To have the fate of the Earth itself in her control?"

"That woman grew enough of a spine to backsass her," the redheaded man pointed out dismissively.

" _Woman_?" the taller man said archly.

The short red-headed scowled. "The _female,_ you know what I bloody mean!" he shouted. He paused, took a sip of the glass of brandy on his desk and continued his tirade. "As long as she's the one of the two that's in charge, I just don't see the problem!"

"A fair point, my friend," the taller man conceded.

"However," the man in the chair allowed, "You are correct that, with that power, they do pose a threat, and a significant one. Taking counter measures would be reasonable."

"Thank you, sir," the old man said gratefully.

"And, of course, since our forces are already effectively dominating the Royal Military, perhaps we should give them a breather, eh?"

"As you like, Commander," said the old man, packing up his equipment, and leaving the office. "I shall speak to you again at my next report."

"Hey, Doctor, you don't have to wait so long, do ya? I miss our chats, usually it's only Black or Blue or Copper I've got to talk to, and they certainly ain't family!"

The doctor turned to smile at him, then hit the light switches and headed out the door, which he left unlocked.

The Commander sighed, and spun around in his chair, not yet ready to summon any of his staff back in after the secret, urgent meeting. "What a bellend," he muttered. "Wish I knew what my sister sees in him."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Bulma grimaced when she went into the bright pink house, every inch of the floor covered in porno mags, and decided to leave the power pole on the inside by the door.

When she got outside she was surprised to see Goku, still a giant ape, (or, monkey? She wasn't a zoologist, but as far Bulma knew apes didn't have tails,) sitting, surprisingly docile, especially compared to earlier, in the ocean, while Turtle stared up at him with wide eyes. "Keep an eye on him for us, would you, thanks, bye!" Bulma told the talking turtle, before getting on Gine's back once more, the giant ape/monkey woman hesitating only a moment before she lifted up into the sky, towards the mountains. Bulma heard snores, and looked to see Yamcha and Puar already asleep. Sure, it was late, and she was pretty tired, but she slept a little earlier when she was drugged! For now, she got to see and take apart an alien space ship!

...Sure, she'd done it before, but still! Always awesome!

When they arrived at the house at Mt. Paozu, Gine picked up the space pod, but stopped when Bulma pointed out something.

"Hey, why are there two full moons?"

Gine glared at the second moon. **"IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE WHEN THERE'S NO MOON AND WE NEED TO TRANSFORM ANYWAY, BUT THE THING IS FUCKING BROKEN."** Bulma gasped, and started making 'oooh' noises. **" _WHAT?!_ "** Gine snapped at her.

"You _swore_ ," Bulma said, attempting to sound scandalized.

** "FUCK OFF!" **

Bulma started cackling into the night, and she thought she heard chuffing noises from the ape under her.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When Gine landed in front of the big round and yellow building in the middle of the city, she briefly realized that landing in an urban population center as a giant ape was probably not the best idea.

Bulma, for her part, thought it was the  _best_ idea, and nothing could change her mind.

...Then her mother opened the front door instead of the usual receptionist and Bulma _immediately_ changed her mind. Panchy's eyes opened immediately, taking in the giant ape wearing skin-tight leggings, and she smiled slightly at the corner of her mouth in a way that gave Bulma a very foreboding feeling.

"Why, Bulma, so glad you're back from your summer vacation, we were just talking about you with your sister!"

Bulma groaned. "Tights is here?"

"Yeah, and her boyfriend!" Panchy replied cheerfully.

"Ew! I'm not dating HIM!"

"I already HAVE a girlfriend, thank you very much!"

The two voices, one feminine and one nasal, came from a pair of figures emerging from the front door the Capsule Corp. compound, one a blonde similar to Bulma, and the other a strange and short little man with big eyes, purple arms and legs, and a white vest, boots and gloves.

He and Gine blinked at each other for a moment, and then all hell broke loose when they both jumped back, pointed at each other and screamed.

"AHHHH! IT'S THE SAIYAN FROM PLANET VEGETA!"

** "AHHHH! IT'S THE GALACTIC PATROL!" **

"Oh, Bulma, who's your cute friend here? She's so pretty!"

Bulma wanted to point out the widow's peak, but she thought it looked good too with that vertical hair, so clearly her own judgment was impaired.

"I have to use the Extinction Bomb right now to spare you from your horrible fate!" the Galactic Patroller cried, digging through his vest in a hurry. "Where is it!?"

"Jaco," the younger blonde said, "You already gave it to dad, and he made a vaccine, remember? Because you said, and I quote, 'there's no way the Saiyan made it, and this world's culture and technology must be preserved' unquote."

Jaco groaned. "It's no big deal," he finally said, "As long as it's not an adult I can totally handle this! How old are you Ms. Saiyan?"

Bulma stared. How could he tell her gender (or sex for that matter) when she was transformed like this, and why was he, an enforcer of law and order, asking the supposedly dangerous space criminal her age?

 **"42 Earth years,"** Gine said easily.  **"...Ish, assuming I did the conversion right."**

"We're doomed," Jaco said, slumping against Tights, who Bulma noticed  _was_ looking a little pale and concerned, were they really that dangerous?

"Wow!" Panchy said, reaching up to pinch one of Gine's toes, "And you look so young too! What's your secret!?"

"She's part of an evil race of alien warriors that stays young until their 80s to fight as long as possible!" Jaco shouted, foaming at the mouth while Tights had to hold him back.

" _Ooh_ , I'll have to try that sometime," Panchy said, unconcerned, rubbing one of Gine's knuckles and brushing her fingers through the fur.

 **"Yeah, you'll have to try me sometime,"** Gine said with a dumb look on her face, before realizing what she said and _blushing._

Bulma felt herself turn red all over, and looked over and saw Tights do the same, while Jaco just seemed to turn a sickly green as he squawked indignantly.

Meanwhile, Bulma's mother Panchy just arched an immaculately sculpted eyebrow, and smirked slightly on the side of her mouth, while a glint Bulma had never seen before shone in her eyes. "Oh my, is that a  _proposal_ dear?"

Bulma turned away, feeling sick, when she saw her mother reach down calmly into the front of her dress to pull out a remote, which opened the side of the domed building into the main atrium/dinosaur conservatory, while Panchy grabbed one of Gine's fingers and effortlessly pulled her inside. "Oh, so sorry, where are my manners, a pretty face like yours is no excuse, come in! Come in!"

"She has a son," Bulma found herself calling, "He's like this too and can't control it, she probably needs to go back to him!"

"Oh, I absolutely  _have_ to send some things with you then, they're extra nutritious, just what a growing boy needs!"

Bulma was even  _more_ scared now, while the words themselves were more like Panchy-the-gossip or Panchy-the-housewife/mother, the tone and look in her eyes were definitely that more predatory version of her mother she had seen for the first time only moments ago.

Part of her wanted to chase after them, but the moment she made a move, she was reminded of what else she had to do when she almost tripped over Yamcha and Puar, sleeping on the lawn. She growled, whistled, and as programmed the guest caretaker-bots came to brush their teeth and put them to bed, and she once more went to follow Gine, but was stopped when Tights put a hand in her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry you had to find out this way," the older woman said solemnly, "But our dear, loving, happily married parents, are swingers."

Bulma stared, agape, her mouth flapping helplessly in sheer unbridled horror.

Tights saw this, looked at Jaco, and then decided to be merciful and go for the killing blow.

"So," she said cheerfully, "What do you think our next sibling's name will be, because I've been betting on Corsé."

Tights counted to three and smirked triumphantly when Bulma and Jaco's eyes rolled back into their heads as they fainted.

She gave a whistle and a clap to summon the caretaker-bots, gave a glance at one of the windows to the atrium, where she saw her dad, already with her mom and Gine, just talking for now, and Tights had to repress the urge to gag as she shuddered and turned away, because it never stayed "just talking" with them for long.

At least it wasn't a Parent-Teacher Conference this time, she thought ruefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far, the chapter notes are working out to be more rambly, ranty personal BSing and sometimes about the chapter but probably not. I'd say sorry, but that would imply an effort to change or improve in the future and I cannot promise that because I suck.
> 
> also boss rabbit is the best dragon ball villain fight me
> 
> we're all fucked when boss rabbit comes back from the moon
> 
> Just _imagine_ if boss rabbit trained for four months, he could reach a power level of 1.3million!
> 
> ...Seriously though, rewatching and rereading him in the anime and manga, it is ridiculous how cool he is, and how much swagger, or dare I say it sex appeal he has. He's so ridiculous on every level, but damn does he pull it off.
> 
> ...I've been saying the dub name "Boss Rabbit" in these Notes because I'm avoiding the fact that I called him "Toninjinka" in the chapter.
> 
> That's the Japanese name, and. I'm actually trying to avoid going full Weeb? I actually do like the dub, and I intend to actually go with dub names where possible...
> 
> BUT the puns are more important. All-important.
> 
> Toninjinka literally means "Rabbit who turns people into carrots." So. That's where the "Carrotizer Bunny" joke comes from.
> 
> ...I am honestly lazy enough that I might just go with the original Japanese when it's shorter and easier to type, and the English version when that's what's shorter and easier for me to type.
> 
> Like, imagine if they said "Turtle Destruction Wave" instead of "Kamehameha" every time? That'd be dumb and lame. And, for me, it'd take more keystrokes and characters and typing for no reason. And it's not very "snappy" or "punchy" either.
> 
> ...Here, have a [name pun round-up](http://www.kanzenshuu.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=12853) while we're on the topic.
> 
> Anyway, hey, how about that Oozaru? Eh? Great Ape?
> 
> Turtle training happens next. Gine getting a new son and a new daughter.
> 
> ~~i clearly mean the mermaid, obviously~~
> 
> ...okay, but for real though, imagine a mermaid flying with ki
> 
> Vegeta getting slapped in the face with a fish tail.
> 
> Where's _that_ fanfic or doujin or AU in Xenoverse or Heroes or whatever.
> 
> cowards
> 
> ...I won't do it either, so I'm not any better.
> 
> Anyway. That ship tag I added last chapter is pretty blatantly [a reference to this post on tumblr](https://unnounblr.tumblr.com/post/180446857127/thehollowkidvg-bardockswife-bardine-week) so. It might be wrong of me to tag that, when three out of four of those people are dead, but that ship still happened and still affects Gine! I reserve the right to do a flashback at any time!
> 
> ...If I can talk about ship tags more, why isn't there a way to tag sexual and romantic relationships separately? Like, the split attraction model exists.
> 
> ...Also on the subject of tagging, I tend do add character tags when I start writing a character, especially if I know I intend to reuse that character again later, but I start that writing process before I actually. Post the chapter.
> 
> Some of the Gero and Red Ribbon stuff is loosely from [this interview with Toriyama](http://www.kanzenshuu.com/translations/db-full-color-artificial-humans-cell-arc-01/) but [Tales of the Monkey Queen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4469405/chapters/10157336) by SSVCloud and Zelenal is definitely an influence, at least to an extent.
> 
>  ~~...I'm not tagging the modern-day Gine ship in this chapter, I want it to be a surprise.~~ EDIT: I tagged it, but I dunno if I tagged it right.
> 
> What's the tag nomenclature for when a married couple of swingers has a threesome with a giant monkey that they then become BFFs with and almost never have sex with again but still flirt with a bunch?


	5. Chestnuts for Lunch!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the Brief family.
> 
> Panchy and Brief are gross old swingers but they're still broadly nice to everybody?
> 
> ...Like, yeah they're also filthy Capitalists, but. Hmm.
> 
> ...I mean, let's be real, if Freeza is basically Donald Trump in space, Capsule Corp. is a lot like fantasy Amazon? Dr. Brief is, explicitly, the richest person on Earth.
> 
> ...God help me, I actually _do_ sorta like Roshi, despite everything. Despite _myself._ Like, the training arc in Dragon Ball, where he outlines Turtle School philosophy is great. Roshi, as a martial artist and a teacher, is one of the best in Dragon Ball.
> 
> ...Except for the thing where he offered to train Launch "for health" and then just. Made her cook and clean???
> 
> ...Also, for the record, if I write Roshi or Chi-Chi or Krillin or somebody saying something sexist, just. It's because I think it's in character? Yes, even Chi-Chi, she's a very traditionalist, socially conservative character, as an adult, and to an extent even as a kid.
> 
> Also, fuck tumblr! "Female-presenting nipples" my foot.
> 
> ...Related to what I asked about Chi-Chi last chapter, is there a reason Chi-Chi never entered a World Tournament again? I'm pretty sure she could have beat both Mr. Satan and Spopovich at the 24th.
> 
> Bits of this chapter and others might be loosely inspired by [Groundbreaking Science](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10951899/chapters/24374409) because I love it.

**AGE 749, SEPTEMBER 10TH**

 

 

 

Gine awoke, naked and slightly sore, and looked up, and saw her battle armor leggings undamaged, but dangling from a tree.

A tree that was indoors.

She looked down, and noticed that there were two naked Earthlings sleeping on top of her. And there was an indentation/crater in the dirt around them of a massive furry biped that  _oh, yeah, right, was me as an Oozaru,_ she realized, as the events of the last day came back to her.

Suddenly, hot air that smelled like rotten meat blew into her face, and she looked up and saw a T-Rex, with a jaw full of teeth staring down at her, and on top of that T-Rex was a small housecat with black fur and its tongue sticking out staring at her.

Part of her wanted to jump up and put herself between the Earthlings and the dinosaur, because these were  _her_ mates, she had to protect them!

...Most of her was  _way_ too distracted by the unblinking stare of the cat. She stuck her own tongue out in imitation, in an attempt to learn the cat's secrets, until eventually the Earthlings roused themselves and started shifting on her chest.

"Morning, Beautiful," Brief said as he kissed Panchy on the cheek, who giggled cutely. Then both Earthlings looked up at Gine, who had still kept her tongue sticking out of her mouth, as she blinked down at them in surprise.

"Morning, Beautiful!" both Earthlings chorused, and leaned up to kiss Gine at the same time on both her cheeks, causing her to heat up furiously.

"Mornin'," she said shyly, before glancing up at the tree where her pants were.

"I'll get a robot to get those down for you," Brief said, but Gine shrugged and floated up to grab them, before landing on her feet, but before she could step into them, she glanced backwards when she saw movement, and saw the two Earthlings, on their knees, their chins resting on their hands as they... stared at her _butt_???

Gine blushed, then her stomach growled, or more like  _roared_ , the sound startling the T-Rex and the cat, who fell off the dinosaur's head and she flew up to catch, and caused some Pterosaurs and birds to fly up from the immediate area and try to find refuge in some other part of the dome. Panchy's eyes opened from their perpetual squint, then she smiled and pulled Gine by the hand. "Oh, you poor dear!" she worried, "You've just  _gotta_ get something in you to eat, I insist!" Gine followed along, then lifted her legs with flight to put one leg into her pants then the other, forcing her tail through its hole.

She realized, as she pulled the waistband up with one hand, that she had still been holding the cat, where did it go, and suddenly noticed that somehow it had moved onto her shoulder, and was perched there, immovable. "Meow," it said to her.

"Oh, Scratch," Panchy said, "I'm sorry baby, I know we didn't come to bed last night, but you should have seen how _big_  Ms. Gine was! She just wouldn't fit!"

The cat, apparently its name was Scratch, rotated its head towards Panchy, and then said "Meow," again.

"Yeah, I know she's a lot smaller _now_ , sweetie," was the reply, as they walked through a set of sliding doors labeled 'Residential' and into a hallway, Panchy stepped through a set of doors labeled 'Master Bedroom', then stopped and told Gine to "Just wait in the kitchen dear, and we'll take good care of ya," so Gine walked down the hall and read all the signs on the doors until she saw the one marked 'Kitchen'.

She stepped through into a small kitchen bar area where Bulma and Jaco were sitting at a table, glaring at each other for some reason, and Tights looked up from her newspaper then immediately looked back down again, her ears turning red. Then, she took a breath, seemed to swallow something, whether pride or fear, and then looked up, meeting Gine's eyes with her own. "Good morning, Mom, Gine."

"Good morning dear," Panchy said, startling Gine from how quickly the other woman had showed up behind her, and then watching as Panchy went over to a door in the wall and started pulling out a pink apron which she then pulled on over her fluffy pink bathrobe before she headed into the kitchen proper, and started whistling tunelessly.

"Well, how are my favorite ladies doing this morning," Brief said, as he walked in wearing a similar fluffy pink robe, and somehow Gine was disappointed to note how it was hiding his body from view. He wasn't the fittest or strongest mate she'd had, but he was so  _nice_? It was strange, and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. He walked over to sit on the couch next to Tights, and opened up a piece of the 'newspaper' when she tossed it to him. "Heh. He hates mondays," Brief started chuckling at the paper as he read it, and Gine stood in the middle of this eating area without seating herself because she didn't know where she should sit, before suddenly Bulma started yelling at _her_ , because _naturally_.

"PUT A DAMN SHIRT ON! THIS ISN'T TOPLESS TUESDAY! WHAT'LL YAMCHA THINK WHEN HE WAKES UP!?"

Gine frowned, and glanced at Tights's newspaper, at the image of the shirtless male right at the front. "Why is my chest worse than his?" she asked defiantly.

"The mass-murdering unstoppable killing machine has a point, Bulma, all of you mammals and your nipples are equally unsightly," Jaco said, before putting his bare purple feet on the table, and taking a sip of milk. "Oh, speaking of you, your horribleness, you wouldn't happen to know your Battle Power Level, would you?

"About one thousand," Gine said, and frowned as she noticed that the Galactic Patroller wasn't wearing his earpieces, his gloves, or his vest, baring flat and featureless purple for all the world to see. "First, aren't you naked right now yourself, second, doesn't your species subsist entirely on dairy products produced by us mammals?"

Jaco blinked, looked at his milk, then made a face and pushed it away. "You made it  _yourselves_? EWW!"

Bulma glared at the both of them. "Earth's milk is made by cows, not humans!"

"Didn't we see a sapient Bull-Man in a suit last night on the way over here?" Gine pointed out.

Bulma blinked, then pushed her coffee and the creamer away.

"Hey guys! What's..."

Everyone stared at Yamcha as he entered the room, and Gine noticed the way he glanced at her, Panchy and Tights before he turned on his heel and left. "I'lljustbebacklater" he started to stammer, but Gine flew over, picked him up, kissed him on top of his hair, then sat him at the bar on a barstool, before she decided to sit on one next to him. She smiled over at Puar as they sat on her other side, who grinned, nervously, with a nightcap still on their head. "Mornin' you two," she tried to say gently and encouragingly.

"Morning," Puar said, "Do you know your teeth are still super-pointed?"

Gine rubbed her tongue over her teeth, and glanced at the nearest reflective surface, (which just happened to be a polished metal bar next to Panchy's butt, making Gine blush a little bit more,) while she thought about how she decided to answer. "I did not know that, but it makes sense, the Full Moon is three nights in a row here, and..." she trailed off, not really sure _why_ exactly this was happening.

Brief patted down his robe, before pulling out a tiny box and putting out a stick which he then put in his mouth. "Don't suppose you young people have a light?"

"As I've said before, Doctor," Jaco said, "I refuse to aid you in slowly killing yourself."

Gine didn't know what was going on but shook her head rapidly. "Me neither!" she said, and Jaco jumped to his feet and pointed at her while he started screaming.

"Ha! You see! She doesn't want you to kill yourself because she wants to kill you all _her_ self! I knew it! I was right! I was—"

Whatever Jaco was next got interrupted when Bulma hit him on the back of the head, sending him to the floor. "YOU'RE TOO _LOUD_ IS WHAT YOU ARE!" she screamed, without any trace of irony.

"So, is this your boyfriend, sis?" Tights said, waggling her eyebrows in Yamcha's direction.

"Yes, he is." Bulma said stubbornly, while Yamcha gulped and squeaked "Yes, I am."

"Well, just make sure you use protection dear," Panchy said as she worked and bustled in the kitchen, and in response to her Yamcha squeaked again and Bulma glared.

"I can't get your daughter pregnant, Mrs. Brief," Yamcha finally said, with difficulty, and Panchy just chuckled.

"First, Brief is my husband's only name, not a surname, call me 'Panchy', or 'Mom'!" there was a pause, and then Panchy continued, "Or 'Mama' or 'Foxy Mama' or... oh, nevermind that sweetie."

"Secondly," Panchy said, "That doesn't mean you don't need protection, silly!"

Gine frowned. "Wait, did I do it wrong?" she asked. "Because I wasn't wearing any armor, and..." she trailed off, uncomfortable with the way everyone was staring at her.

"Don't worry," Panchy said, "It was our fault."

"We didn't have a dental dam big enough," Brief said ruefully.

"TMI, guys," Tights said from behind her newspaper.

"...So, Gine" Yamcha began but got distracted when he started looking at her chest, blushing as he did so, and Gine was so confused and frustrated that _everyone_ here did that! She'd never had a chance to breastfeed her own children thanks to the incubators, why would these Earthlings think there was any sustenance to be gained!? Or, she thought, was there something _wrong_ with it? She had heard of cancers of the breast before. She flexed the pectoral underneath to move the fatty tissue around, and palpated with her fingers, but couldn't find anything amiss.

She finally glanced up at Yamcha, and raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Yamcha?" she prompted, hoping he'd say what was on his mind.

He looked up at her face, seemingly saw her discomfort and confusion, then swallowed and got serious. "Didn't Goku change too last night?"

"Goku's your boy, right," Panchy asked, turning away from the stove, and leaning over the counter, and Gine blinked as she saw down the front of the other woman's apron and robe. Without the nipples, it looked _sorta_ like a butt? Was  _that_ the appeal?

Gine shook her head. "Yes, and Yamcha's right, I do need to go to him, I can find something to eat on the way, thank you, I had a good time last night," she admitted, but winced when the other woman glared at her, eyes open wide and angry.

"Nope! You're going to eat, and take some to your boy too! Growing boys need their food, especially these Saiyajin thingies from what I hear, and a mother needs  _her_ fuel too to keep up with 'em," she said with finality, turning back to the stove while Gine slunk back in her seat.

"So," Brief said, "Got any pictures of this lad of yours?"

" _I_ do!" Bulma announced, and pulled out a device Gine had seen a few times before, with a screen and buttons connected by a hinge.

Tights snorted the moment she saw it. "You still have a _flip-phone_?"

"I've told you before! It's—"

"Girls!" Panchy snapped, and both young women shut up, and Bulma only gave a  _tiny_ glare as she went through the pictures on the screen, Gine getting up and heading towards the couch to look for herself.

First was Goku grabbing Bulma by the breasts on her motorcycle, while Bulma made a strange face where she pursed her lips and tilted her head away from the camera.

"...Wait, you yelled at him and then shot him when that happened," Gine pointed out, "When did you have time to—"

Next was Bulma falling through the air, Goku falling beside her, and Gine flying towards them, while in the background the Power Pole extended from Papa Gohan's back and the Pterosaur falling towards him. In this one, Bulma  _also_ was making the purse-lipped and angled-head expression.

"That poor dinosaur," Brief said while shaking his head sadly.

"It was sapient, and it tried to eat me and/or rape me!" Bulma yelled.

"...I could have sworn you were screaming when that happened," Gine said, incredibly confused.

"...Are you  _really_ going to be duckfacing in all of these?" Tights asked.

"Yep!"

"Breakfast is ready!" Panchy announced, startling everyone because she said it from right behind them.

Brief got up, pressed a button on the table Jaco was pushing himself back up using, and it vanished in a puff of smoke, sending him falling back to the floor.

"I could still kill all of you ungrateful humans," he groaned, and Gine saw red for an instant, as she bent down and picked him up by the sides and lifted him so they were face-to-face.

"No, you couldn't," Gine said calmly.

 _"I wouldn't_ let _you,"_ she hissed, showing her Oozaru-sharp teeth, before, on a whim, she lunged like she was going to bite and at the last moment kissed him on top of his head before she set him down.

As this happened, however, twin streams of liquid shot out of the sides of his head and onto Gine's face, causing her to blink in shock, because  _he just **peed** on me_.

She stared at him, and he stared back, and, finally, she dropped him to the floor, and focused her battle power to try to evaporate it. At least it was more mild-smelling than most urine, she tried to tell herself, only Goku will be able to tell, maybe a dog or a wolf-person. And only if they got too close.

 _She'd_ still have to smell it, probably for weeks, and after several showers, but. It can't be helped, she told herself.

Dr Brief tossed a capsule, and a much bigger round table appeared, with chairs all around it. She made to get into one, but Brief pulled it away from the table, so she assumed that he wanted to sit there, but instead he took her hand and guided her into it, before pushing her in.

...She frowned when he and Panchy kissed each other on the mouth, as Panchy came over to put a massive tray on the table. She didn't think she'd like it if they ever did _that_ to her, she realized.

She blinked when a massive plate was in front of her, lots of steak and other meats, slightly cooked and seasoned she could tell by the smell (inasmuch as she could smell  _anything_ over that Galactic Patroller's urine, did he get some of it in her  _nostril_?) but still partly red and bloody and it made her mouth  _water_.

"Dig in!" Panchy announced, and Gine did so, eating peace of meat after peace of meat, slurping links of sausages one after the other, and then, after some kind of ribs had all the meat stripped off, she broke them open and sucked out the marrow.

Finally, she sat back, she was so  _full_ , and it  _tasted_ so  _good_ , better than anything she had ever eaten before.

"Thank you for the meal," she said, getting up and bowing, but was interrupted when Panchy stood up and handed her one of those capsules. "For lil' Goku, from his aunty Panchy."

"You're about a B Cup, right?" Tights asked.

"I don't know what that is," Gine said.

Tights glanced at her, then shrugged, and tossed a capsule with a piece of clothing that popped out. "It _should_ fit, you look about my size, although you _definitely_  should get a proper fitting someday. There might be nothing wrong or bad about your chest, but having that should keep it from bouncing and being too uncomfortable or in the way.

Gine glanced down at the garment, then shrugged and started to put it on, and she was _totally_  figuring out how all of the straps worked even before Tights decided to help, but she  _did_ got the zipper up all by herself! It felt less protected than an armored chestplate, but about as secure so she was fine with it.

Bulma went over to one of the windows and opened it and then gave Gine a capsule that she said was full of supplies. Gine smiled as she flew through the window, but was stopped when she heard a voice yelling "Hold it!"

She paused, when she saw it was Jaco on the windowsill, but instead of cuffs or a blaster, he was holding a book? Made of paper? "Space Police Chako" it said on the cover, in Earth characters.

"Signed by the star," Jaco said smugly, before Gine saw Tights pinch him. "And the author," he admitted begrudgingly. "It's for you and your boy," he finally said. Then he frowned, and shoved it at her. "Take it!"

She held it to her chest, extremely confused, then shrugged and waved at everyone inside the window, and flew off.

She remembered roughly where Roshi's island was, and if the sun was there, she thought as she looked at the horizon where the sun was still rising, and if I can feel the pull of the moon's gravity there, she thought, then that island, which she knew to be in the South-East...

Eh, she'd find it eventually.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Goku blinked as he sat up.

Why was he in just his shorts on the beach, he thought as he looked around, then he smiled when he saw the pink house, he was at Master Roshi's place! For training? Yeah!

He ran over towards the house and tripped over Turtle, who was on his back. "Oops, sorry," Goku said, as he set the Turtle rightside-up, and Turtle just looked at him like his mom did sometimes, before sighing.

"It's alright Goku," Turtle finally said. "Why don't you ask Master to start training you?"

Goku grinned. Oh boy!

He headed inside the house, looking around, and saw his power pole right by the door!

He went further in, and saw that the place was a mess! His grandpa and mama always made him clean up, something about how "discipline makes a martial artist," but this Roshi that taught Grandpa didn't seem all that disciplined. There were magazines of poor ladies that couldnt afford any clothes, and on the TV was some lady with big hair lying on her side that kept moving her leg up and down. Goku frowned and considered it. She  _did_ seem to have pretty good flexibility and balance, was it some kinda technique?

Roshi was in front of the TV, but he wasn't even watching! He was on his back, head back, drooling and snoring, because he was asleep!

Goku poked him with the power pole a few times, then shrugged and decided to try something else. "HEY MASTER ROSHI!" he yelled in the old man's ear, and in response the old master cuffed him on his head and knocked Goku on his back.

So he really  _was_ strong! That's great!

Roshi glanced at him as he sat up, and his bones and joints made a lot of crackling noises like Grandpa's. "Oh, it's you," Roshi said. "Whaddya want again?"

"To train!" Goku said, determined, his feet spread wide and his arms pumped at his sides.

Then his stomach rumbled, and he rubbed his head sheepishly.

"...And some food would be good too," Goku admitted.

Roshi raised an eyebrow at him, then shrugged and headed to the kitchen. "Gohan told me how much you eat," he muttered, as he want through the box like Bulma and Oolong's camper had, a refrigerator?

"Soooooooooooooooooooooooo..." Roshi said, drawing out the 'O' sound a _really_  long time, "Where's the hot girls you were with?"

Goku blinked. "You mean Bulma and my mom?" he asked, and for some reason Roshi seemed not to like it when he said 'mom'?

Goku thought about it, and tried to remember the last thing he did before waking up in just his pair of stretchy shorts on the beach next to Turtle, and suddenly, for the first time, Goku was...  _worried_?

"I, I dunno!" Goku cried. "Where's my mommy!"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Gine was flying and, she assumed, making good time, when suddenly a sharp pain around the tip of her tail startled her and made her fall and look down, and as she did, she saw the cat from earlier, Scratch, looking up at her as he fell, seemingly unconcerned. Had she been carrying it the whole time? How did that make sense, and oh shit she had to save him, all rushed through her head as she swooped down, clutching it as gently as she could to her chest, as she landed in a clearing in the forest, where she saw the girl in blue, Chi-Chi, (Oh shit, Kakarot forgot. No, he wasn't conscious and aware,  _I_ forgot,) staring at her.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know it was you— LOOK OUT!"

Gine didn't move, but cradled Scratch closer to protect him with her body as the axe blade circled around and hit the back of her head, shattering instantly.

"Oh..." the girl said, rushing forward, and as she did, Gine tossed the cat at her, and she scrambled to catch him, and then giggled when he started licking her face. Gine, meanwhile, moved her tail so she could examine the tip, and thankfully it didn't seem damaged. Some of the fur had come off, resulting in an unattractive bald spot, and there was a thin red line that might have been irritation, but otherwise, there didn't seem to be any damage.

She winced, feeling, not a cramp, but a precursor to one, and realized that with the moon she'd forgotten about her  _other_ monthly cycle, and quickly dropped her leggings and popped open the capsule Bulma had given her, inserted some pads to line the seat area of the pants before she pulled them back up.

The material was partly self-cleaning, and could probably absorb the blood without too much trouble, but she didn't have other pairs and didn't want to test it. She's kept them for 12 years so far.

She looked up, and saw Chi-Chi looking away from her uncomfortably. Did these Earthlings have that many hangups? Brief and Panchy didn't, she thought, but their children constantly said they were weird?

Finally, Gine shrugged, she hadn't meant to come here, but there was a promise, so, "Are you ready to go train with Muten," she asked, and Chi-Chi looked at her, confused then her eyes widened.

"I have to tell my dad first," she said, and Gine shrugged and picked her up. Chi-Chi yelped, and Scratch curled into the space between them. Gine flew, not all that quickly with the way she was carrying the Earthling girl, cradling her to her chest, the girl's arms around her neck and legs around her hips, and flew towards where she could still smell the, not smoke, but  _not_ -smoke, that still hung around Fry-Pan mountain, even as it dispersed.

When she cleared a ridge and saw the mountain itself, she wasn't surprised to see the castle still destroyed, but the village at the foot of the mountain was now populated, villagers carryin logs and planks and tools and going back and forth as they rebuilt. And at the center of it all was the Ox-King, carrying the biggest and probably heaviest of the materials, and hovering next to him was a small old woman, sitting on a crystal ball and wearing a pointy hat.

She approached them, and as she did, Chi-Chi jumped down, and Gine swooped down to land, heading towards the pair to keep an eye on Chi-Chi's cargo.

"Papa! Granny!"

The Ox-King started handing his planks more quickly to the subjects taking them, and started lining some of them up on the roofs of houses  he was tall enough to reach, moving faster than Gine expected.

...Still not all that  _fast_ , all things considered, honestly, but still.

"Who's your friend, Chi-Chi," the old woman asked.

"Oh, this is Gine, I told you about—"

"I meant the cat," the old woman said patiently.

"Meow," said Scratch.

Gine approached and bowed as was polite. "My name is Son Gine."

"I know," the old woman said. "My name is Fortuneteller Baba." Then she scowled, and leaned closer to Gine. "And tell your boy to say it right! It's Fortune _teller_!"

Gine was confused. "Uhh..."

Baba (her name was  _Crone?!_ ) sighed. "Forget it. Anyway..."

Ox-King came rushing up and picked up Chi-Chi, Gine and Baba in his massive arms, then kissed Gine on the forehead, wetly, then seemed confused for a moment before he kissed Baba instead, despite her loud protests, then finally kissed Chi-Chi, and seemed satisfied and proud of himself this time.

"Sorry," he said, "Guess I messed up."

"Hmph." Baba grumped, wringing out slobber from her hat. "Just as well. Get your bags, Chi-Chi, you  _did_ pack them, right?"

Chi-Chi nodded and rushed into the nearest house, while Ox-King sputtered. "What!? She can't leave!"

"She can and she is, you dumb Ox! You can't train her in any of the things she needs to rule, or to train her children to rule." she scowled at him. "Not that I like your  _politics_ anyway, but if we can ignore, for a moment, the question of what a woman's place is, the fact remains that Chi-Chi is an Ox, and an Ox must rule the mountain. That was the agreement! It's either Roshi or Crane, and I know which I would prefer."

"Roshi can't teach her anything about being Queen, or Queen Mother!" He scowled. "And if I'm honest, I dont trust Roshi with her either! You  _know_ what Roshi's like—"

"I DO!" she snapped, roaring and making the several times larger man cower back. "And I know my own brother isn't so degenerate as to do something so untoward against my underage granddaughter, his great niece!"

There was a silence, uncomfortable, and Gine didn't entirely want to be a witness to it. "I'm sorry," the Crone finally said. "I know I wasn't a very good moth—"

"Stop," the Ox-King said, raising a massive hand and stopping her in her tracks. "Just stop."

"I'm ready!"

Chi-Chi came back, still in her armor, with a duffel bag over one of her shoulder, and Scratch on the other, and as she ran she jumped up to kiss Ox-King on the forehead, then ran over Baba to kiss her in turn, before jumping up towards Gine, slinging her arms around her neck and tucking her head into her collar-bone. "Love you! Miss you! See you when I get back," she said, before digging her heels into Gine's back like some beast of burden.

Gine barely even felt it. Just to confirm, she glanced up at Ox-King, who sighed and nodded. "Get goin'. Get strong, and prove yourself, and prove our honor."

Chi-Chi turned away, looked at her father, a fierce look on her face and her eyes shining with unshed tears, and Gine took off.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Goku frowned, with tears still in his eyes. "But, but you just said my mom is coming back. Why do I need to bring you a girl? My mom's not like any of the other girls in the world, you can't replace her!"

Roshi made that soothing humming noise he madr earlier. "I know kiddo, I'm not tryin' to replace her, I just think another girl could be nice, to help out, while you and your mom train."

Goku frowned. He _guessed_ that sounded okay. "But, Grandpa still has Nimbus, doesn't he?"

Roshi grinned. "Psshah! It'll come when you call it. Try it out!"

Goku nodded. "Come Flying Nimbus!"

"Wait, not in my house!"

Too late, the Nimbus barreled through the screen door, and Roshi swore as it looked through the house, and as it saw the workout videos and magazines, and some of the worse stains around the place, he could practically  _feel_ the cloud getting mad at him.

"Serves you right!"

"Turtle!?" Roshi nearly coughed. "I thought you left already!" Roshi had been _counting_ on it. Since Turtle was saved by Goku a week ago he never let Roshi get away with  _anything_ anymore!

"Ms. Gine made me babysit Goku last night," Turtle announced, and like that the little boy's senses were alert.

"You saw my mom?" Goku said, hopeful for some news.

 "She seemed fine," Turtle said, then he glanced at Roshi and said "she put on some weight, though," with an odd tone, like he knew a secret nobody else did.

Roshi frowned, but tried to play it off. "You think I'm that shallow?" Then he paused. "Also, wait, wasn't it the Full Moon last night? Gohan said something about it..."

"Oh yeah! Mom and Grandpa said I'm not supposed to look at the moon!" Goku said. "And I saw it last night, and I never remember anything when that happens, so that must be why I can't remember anything this morning!"

 There was a long silence, and then Turtle said "Yes, you  _did_ miss the Giant Ape sitting outside your house for hours."

"Urk—!" Roshi choked for a moment, then snapped out "Goku! Go get that hot babe!"

"Yessir! Come on Nimbus!" The cloud seemed reluctant after overhearing the nature of the quest, but it took off regardless, heading where its rider urged.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"EEEK! SOMEBODY! HELP ME!"

Gine blinked as she flew over the arid desert canyon, hesitated, then she looked down and saw the Earthlings with guns surrounding the other, blue-haired Earthling.

In an instant, Gine had kicked the guns away, then lifted the two formerly armed warriors and gently placed them on the other side of a tall ridge.

The blue-haired girl blinked, as she went from surrounded to by herself in a second, and then saw a dark-haired and tailed woman landing in front of her, with a little girl clinging to her front. "Are you alright?" the woman asked.

"Oh, thank you!" Launch cried, wanting to thank her savior im a hug, but not wanting to crush the little girl.

"You're welcome," the woman said, and as she did the girl turned her head to Launch, looked her up and down the way boys did, but instead of predatory or interested it was  _calculating_. "Say," the girl spoke up, "Do you wanna come train with us with the Turtle Hermit?"

Launch blinked. That wad definitely a lot of words she had never heard or considered. "Training?"

"In Martial Arts!" The girl explained.

The woman gave the girl a funny look, but didn't stop her or say anything.

Launch frowned. "I don't want to, hurt anyone..." she said, and at that the woman looked up, looked at  _her,_ and Launch had to hold back a gasp at the _pain_ in the other woman's eyes.

"I don't either," the woman mumbled. "I'm training to find 'inner peace'," she said like she was quoting.

Launch frowned, thought of losing weeks at a time, to heinous actions committed in her name, and nodded resolutely, ignoring the dig of what she knew to be stolen cash in her bag as she held it against herself.

"Alright!" She nodded. "Thanks for the opportunity!"

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Roshi sighed as he stared at the mermaid as she and the big round bodybuilder lady with the barbells left together on the Nimbus, kissing each other furiously and wetly. Part of him winced but still watched when he saw the mermaid pawing at the other woman's chest, it wasn't his type, but...

Maybe he was a little too picky, he admitted.

...Also, damned cloud, what, were  _they_ so fucking chaste then?

 _'There is nothing more pure than True Love'_ his sister had once told him, back when she was younger and taller, only in her late late late  _late_ 300s, back when she just had the big wart on her face instead of the bigger one or the biggest one, while she macked with her giant bull-demon fiancé right in front of him, on the Nimbus.

...At least it wasn't Crane, he had told himself at the time.

...It probably admittedly wasn't very pure of him at the time to mock her so much when, eventually, years later, she, the fiancé, and their entire relationship fell through.

And not just through the cloud, neither.

He paused, and, as always when he remembered those older days, thought of the forbidden, logical thoughts like 'how the hell was she still fertile at that age' and 'literally how did Ox-King fit coming outta her' then shook his head to clear it, there were some things men and more importantly  _brothers_ were never meant to know.

Then, as he watched, Son Gine and Chi-Chi showed up, as expected, but with them was the hottest and babest hot babe that ever hotted or babed!

...Roshi could admit that sentence got away from him.

As, seemingly, did his entire living situation when another young'un literally landed on his island, knocking Chi-Chi over in the process and immediately earning her Queenly ire.

"Hold it!" He commanded, and was relieved when everyone snapped to blissfully quiet attention.

"Meow." He stopped, and stared at a cat that was perched on top of Gine's head. Well alright then.

"What are you here for, Miss," he asked the bluenette, while he hoped, he knew she could just be a telemarketer, or one of those door-to-door salesmen (saleswomen, rather,) and, he didn't ask Gine to bring a girl (although, he noticed the knowing glint in Chi-Chi's eyes, so much like his sister, and wondered if he'd made a mistake) so he wanted to hear what she had to say.

"To train!" The girl announced, to Roshi's surprise, because didn't  _that_ beat all.

The glint in Chi-Chi's eyes grew fiercer, he just  _knew_ Baba put her up to this the damned. Well.  _Witch_. Literally.

The bald monk kid with the incense burns scoffed. "Girls can't train," he said, and at this Goku and Gine looked confused, the bluenette looked hurt, and Chi-Chi, oh, Chi-Chi looked  _furious_. Roshi could swear he saw her horns growing.

He decided to interrupt this before it could start. "It's true that I don't train a lot of girls, certainly not in the way of the Turtle,  _barring special circumstance_ ," he added, for Chi-Chi's benefit, "Such as blood-oaths and soul-contracts I made at my sister's engagement to the Demon King."

The monk blinked in shock. "Wait, you mean those stories of you and the Ox-King were _real_!? But Gyū Maō is just a legend," he scoffed, looking nervous.

"He's my _daddy_ ," Chi-Chi said with a glare, and Roshi thunked her on shin with his staff, and when she saw his look she, mercifully, shut up.

"What's your name, kid?" Roshi asked.

"Kuririn— I mean, Krillin, sir," the boy said.

"...Ordinarily, I would say that I don't normally take a lot of students, and to get lost," he said bluntly, "But these numbskulls want to prove me a liar!" he glared at the Sons and Chi-Chi as he said this. "So, to get to know each other, and for me to determine who, if anyone, should go home, how's about you all tell me about yourselves. Specifically, a dream for the future, and why you want to learn Martial Arts. But," he added, "first, I would like to point out, for the record, that while, in the ordinary world, you might well say that the average man is stronger than the average woman, this world, the world of the martial artist, is  _exceptional_ , and I'd like you all to get that in your heads. Miss Son, here," he said, indicating Gine, who flushed from the embarrassment of being singled  out, "Is currently the strongest person on Earth, 11 times stronger than me, at least!"

Krillin's eyes bulged out of his head, and the others except Goku seemed surprised too. "Why haven't I heard of her, why is she training as  _your_ student," Krillin stammered out.

"Mom doesn't know how she got that strong," Goku said with a shrug. "She doesn't know a lot of techniques either, and mostly says she does what she knows naturally."

She continued blushing, even redder, and just nodded, turning it into a bow at everyone. Roshi frowned at that damned sports bra. No cleavage at all! Well, he'd soon fix that, he told himself.

"So, sorry for the aside, whydya come all this way, Mr. Krillin?" Roshi asked.

Krillin nodded. "Well," and then frowned. "At first, I might have said I wanted to get more popular with girls." he said, and Roshi frowned.

"That's not a very pure motive," he noted neutrally, but Krillin continued.

"It's not just that, though," and lord the boy had tears in his eyes now. "I always g-got p-picked on by the older monks,  and they c-called me a f-f-freak! and, and, a-a-and!" the boy was hyperventilating and sobbing now, and immediately Gine knelt down and scooped him into her arms, and Goku ran over to rub his back too.

Roshi could sense the boy's ki, and feel the shape of his thoughts, and for a moment, the boy was sincere, and the size shape of his genuine sorrow over this story was vast.

...But then the boy felt Gine's breast against his face, and it was like all trouble fled his mind, in the hopes of concocting bigger and more outlandish sob stories to keep feeling it.

Roshi sighed, because damn it all, the kid reminded him of Gohan, or even Crane. Maybe himself too, most of all.

"I've gotta say," he said, finally, "Beating up bullies isn't the best reason either..." he stopped talking when he saw the glare Gine was giving him, and decided that he liked living, and getting in the way of a crazy space alien bitch was not exactly how he wanted to die. Let her get her tits groped by the little brat, see if he cared.

"My turn! My turn! I wanna get stronger, as strong as I can be!" Goku said, "And I wanna fight the strongest people there are!"

Roshi blinked, because of how sincere the boy felt.

What was more noteworthy was how some part of Gine, who he'd been told was soft, resonated with that desire, and felt  _ashamed_ of it. Gohan had told him briefly about what he had gleaned of these 'Saiyans' but the girl hadn't told him everything, and it was always possible there was something she didn't know herself.

He found himself questioning his student's assessment of how human they were, though. Roshi was a martial artist, and he enjoyed a good fight, a test of skill and strength, but but the way he felt this mother and son duo, this felt deeper than that, like the biological urges for hunger or sex or safety, or maybe even something deeper than those. Gine in particular, reminded him almost of someone with  _bulimia_ or some other disorder, the way her ki reacted whenever the topic of fighting was brought up. It didn't feel healthy, to say the least.

"I'm Chi-Chi, heir to the Throne of Ox on Fry-Pan, and I will restore our family's honor and be the best Ox-Queen to Goku when we get married!"

Goku blinked at that, apparently he didn't know about this 'queen' business, and Roshi chuckled to himself. The boy was passive, and would go along with a lot, but the responsibility of rulership didn't sit well with him, and probably never would.

A family was one thing, but you couldn't just pack up an entire kingdom to go on an adventure.

Launch frowned. "I wanna own a food truck!" she finally said, to Roshi's honest surprise. "I want people to be fed and happy!"

"What does that have to do with Martial Arts," Krillin said, and Chi-Chi glared at him again.

"To do it," Launch said, "I wanna have control of myself. Somewhere, I lost control of my life, and I want it back. Can martial arts help me do that?"

Roshi considered the question, the way it felt like two ki, two souls dwelt in one body. "That depends on what you mean," he said finally, "but in theory, yes, better health and better peace of mind are a potential benefit."

Gine frowned, she was the last one to go. "You told me," she finally said, "That you could teach me to heal people. To give life instead of taking it. Is that true?"

Roshi frowned, then coughed. "I'm not an expert, in the healing arts," he finally admitted. "I do know some of the most basic fundamentals, though, to start you on the right path."

She frowned, seemed to think that over for a second, and then nodded.

Roshi rolled his eyes. "Right, I guess I'm training everyone," he finally said with a sigh.

"Meow?"

"Except you."

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 They'd gotten to the new island for training relatively unscathed, aside from the strange lingerie they were wearing as uniforms, but Chi-Chi weirdly didn't mind it? It was, technically, covering more skin than her armor usually did?

...And Goku looked so _cute_ in it somehow???

And it was honestly a little funny how Roshi frowned in confused disgust whenever he saw Gine in it, especially when she flexed anything.

She frowned, though, because of what that meant. If she kept training, and she got all muscley, would boys like Goku still want her?

Finally, Roshi led them to a big rock, and then pointed between it and a tree a fair distance away. "There's exactly 100 meters between the boulder and the tree. I know Miss Launch will probably need some training in fundamentals, but we still need to set a baseline." He pulled out a stopwatch from his shell. "I'll time you to see how fast you can run."

"Let me go first," Krillin said smugly, and  she wanted to hit him. "I've got it in the bag."

Roshi shrugged. "Ready, set, go!" he said, and Chi-Chi ran, from behind Krillin, and quickly overtook him, and grinned, laughing and panting when she got to the tree before him!

She turned, and yelped when he tackled her and started hitting her in the face. She growled, and tried to headbutt him in the nose, only to discover that  _he didn't have one_.

Finally, Krillin was off her, and Gine was holding him up and looking disapproving, and Roshi sighed.

"For the record, that's Krillin in 10.3 seconds, Chi-Chi in 9.9, and Gine in exactly 0 going by this clock."

Roshi frowned at Launch after her run, (15.7 seconds,) then shrugged. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to test both of you, honestly," he said. Causing the blonde to scowl.

"Yeah like I'd fall for that, you just wanna help the weakling be rid of me!" She snapped at him, raising her fists, her weapons having been confiscated by Gine earlier.

"No," Roshi said, "When I agreed to take you as my student I decided it would be all of you. Because that's the only way _either_ of you will ever be able to know peace."

Launch scowled, and glared at Roshi, and he stared back calmly behind his shades.

Chi-Chi yelped when Gine picked her up alongside Krillin, and then headed back towards Kame House with Goku.

"I didn't say we were done," Roshi mumbled, then sighed, and threw a capsule at Launch when she asked him what he said.

When the smoke cleared, it was blue Launch, looking around confused, and Roshi finally smirked.

...None of the girls were going to be dedicated cooks, and they all clustered around Gine and by extension Goku, so making anyone not eat would probably mean  _he_  wouldn't eat tonight either.

Or, he thought, shuddering at the thought of the portions he'd need to feed the two monkeys,  _he_ could even end up being the  _meal_!

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

That night, the second night of the full moon, Gine waited until everyone was asleep, then crept, with her still sleeping son, out into the dark of night, and then finally took him as far away from the house and from any other houses on the island as possible.

She pried open his eyelids, startling him awake, as she looked up at the moon tonight herself.

Tonight was the night of the Oozaru, for them to play and grow and learn how to be _warriors_ rather than _beasts_.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next morning, at 4:30 AM, the rooster crowed, over a devastated landscape, filled with giant footprints.

Master Roshi lined up his students, and in particular fixed two, Gine and Goku, with a knowing and exasperated look, as they both yawned tiredly.

"Today, you all truly begin your education in the Martial Arts," he said. "But! Before we begin, there is one thing that is very important  to know." He cleared his throat, and prepared himself. "We do not learn martial arts to pick fights or impress girls, who say "Ooh, beefcake, you're so strong, Mwah!"

Chi-Chi frowned. "But, Master, what about us," she said, pointing to herself, Gine and Launch. "Don't boys not like girls with muscles, that are stronger than them?"

 _I know_ I  _don't_ , Roshi thought, but before he could come up with something tactful, Goku butted in and said "I do!" and any hope of actually answering Chi-Chi's question died, in the face of the  _fire_ those words sparked in her eyes.

Launch frowned, her hair blue as she examined her own biceps and arms, rubbing them, dressed in the top and shorts she was found in instead of the lingerie, as Chi-Chi was her armor and Krillin was in his Orin Temple gi.

...Gine and Goku were still in the lingerie, but with their stretchy space pants and shorts with them, because apparently they didn't have anything else.

"Well," Launch said, snapping Roshi's attention away from Gine's chest. He was like 99% sure that the main reason the Saiyan mother was still wearing the outfit was that she was deliberately fucking with him, because, with her muscles and pecs, it looked  _weird_ , to his tastes, especially when she flexed her biceps as well.

"I don't care how I look right now? I guess?" Launch finally said. "Like, I don't like myself very much right now," she continued, "And I don't think Bad Me honestly likes herself much either. I've gotta learn to like myself before I worry about whether anyone else does, right?"

Roshi blinked at that. "A very good point, Launch," he finally said, and it sorta stung that the blue-headed literally bipolar ditz was wiser than him, the 300+ year-old master.  _Maybe Gohan was **right**_ , he thought, remembering the dressing-down he'd gotten.

"Now, if I may continue," he said, and was met with synchronized nods.

"We must master the Art of Peace, in addition to the Art of War," he said. "We achieve victory by the Arts of War," he allowed, "But victory is won through strategy. Strategy is derived from the Arts of Peace."

As he said this, he noticed Gine tearing up, some part of her already deeply moved, and forced himself to ignore it, he couldn't break his stride again just to give her a hug, no matter how much it looked like she needed one.

"We master these arts for health in mind and body, to live our lives courageously, uniquely, and energetically! If, however," and this time he avoided looking at Gine, "If someone threatens you, or any other good, innocent people with unethical force, it is your  _duty_ to defend!"

Goku blinked, and then nodded, and then stared. "I don't entirely get it," he admitted.

"What he means," Chi-Chi said, "Is that we learn how to fight so we don't have to!"

"Yes," Roshi said, "We strive to maintain peace in the universe. Or, to put it even more simply, just train hard and enjoy life!"

Goku grinned. "Okay, I can understand that!"

Roshi nodded. "Alright then, that's enough talk for now then. Let's begin, with a brief jog!"

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

"Heh, hey, Chi-Chi, isn't it funny that you're delivering milk, when your name means 'milk'?" Launch said, and Chi-Chi tried to keep smiling, and not snap, because of  _course_ she's heard that one before.

"I thought her name was 'boobs'," Krillin said, which, honestly, she had to give that one to him. She'd still hit him for it, of course, but everyone she knew always pretended it was just the 'milk' thing, as nobody dared to mention such vulgarities around the princess.

Nobody except Granny, that is.

"Now, Zig-Zag through these trees!" Roshi ordered, and Chi-Chi forced herself to continue, until she was sure she had gone through each tree, and forced herself up the mountain stairs.

"Thank you very much," the monk at the top said, bowing to each of them in turn with his eyes closed, then he opened them and his eyes widened as he took in Chi-Chi, Launch and Gine. "You're training _women_ , Roshi?"

Roshi shrugged. "Eh, sign of the times. The biggest one, er, width-wise, is Gohan's daughter, and the cute, angry one is Gyū Maō's."

The monk glanced at Chi-Chi (who forced herself to smile at the word 'angry') and then at Gine, and then at Roshi. "Are you sure you don't have that backwards? Because when I think of Gyū Maō, I think more muscular and hairy, like her," he said, waving vaguely at Gine.

"No," Roshi said, "I'm sure which is which, Chi-Chi's got little horn nubbins under her hair, and no child of an Ox has a monkey's tail."

"Not  _yet_ ," Chi-Chi snapped, "Goku and I are engaged!"

"YOU'RE WHAT!?" Krillin said with a gasp, while Launch, blonde, also seemed taken aback.

"Ain'tchu kids a lil' young for that?" she drawled.

Goku shrugged. "Princess get engaged or betrothed or, whatever all the time in stories, because of the poly ticks."

"And we like each other," Chi-Chi added, and Goku, bless her stars,  _nodded_.

"Right! We can cook and eat and fight and train together, whenever we want," and he seemed so  _thrilled_ at the prospect.

"We won't actually get _married_ until we're older," Chi-Chi said, "But if we know each other now, why wait?"

Everyone glanced at Gine, who took a second to notice the new focus before recoiling nervously and scratching her cheek. "Don't look at me," she said, "My late husband and I weren't exactly typical..."

"Well, congratulations," the monk said, taking the milk and heading inside the small shrine, "And good luck in the Tenka'ichi Budōkai."

Krillin couldn't stop _talking_ about the tournament from then on, Chi-Chi frowned, and sulked, the rest of the way down the mountain, on a log over a valley, across the sands of a desert, across a coursing river, and even when she was being chased by a massive dinosaur.

She sulked, because she knew she wouldn't be able to enter, certainly not under her own name, and certainly not for the prize money. For the same reason the King of Earth's heirs joined the military, but didn't take part in frivolous sporting events.

She could always enter anonymously, she thought, but her father would be  _furious_.

Oh well, she thought, then looked at Goku, (the only prize she needed,) then at his mom, Gine, and paled at what she saw.

Was the person Muten Roshi himself described as the strongest on Earth actually  _sweating_ from this training?!

 

 

 

 

* * *

**12:30 PM**

 

 

 

 After delivering the Milk, they plowed a field with their bare hands, and then read and did math from books Roshi had around the house. Books that made, Gine and Good Launch frown, while Chi-Chi and Bad Launch were practically apoplectic.

"From now until 1:30 is naptime," Roshi announced softly. as they all lay in their hammocks. "Move well, study well, play well, eat well, rest well. That's the way of the Turtle School!"

Gine frowned. "Master," she said softly, "What about my training," she finally said.

Roshi didn't say anything for a long time, and she worried he'd fallen asleep with the others, then he finally chuckled. "You've got a point," he murmured. "The others, I wouldn't dare teaching any techniques to. They aren't strong enough yet. The Turtle School, or Kame Style, is about phases. This strength building training is the first. Then there's the tournament, to get real-life experience, then the student spends time apart to see the world, then they come back," he said, something in his eyes twinkling, "And I teach them the  _true_ secrets of Martial Arts."

Gine blinked. And then Roshi glanced over at her. "You know Gohan knows the Kamehameha, right?"

Gine nodded. "And you probably know it too," he added, and Gine just shrugged.

Roshi glanced at her, then got up out of the hammock, and started tiptoeing.

She picked him up and flew him instead. He covered his mouth with his hands, but glared at her the whole time.

When they landed, a while away from the Hammocks, Roshi actually took them further, until it was out of eyesight entirely. "You rely too much on vision," he finally explained, "So much so that you don't truly  _see_ the world around you. I'll teach you how to correct that."

Gine frowned. "I want to heal," she said, firmly.

Roshi just chuckled at her. "You're as rude and single-minded and demanding as your boy, end of the day, you're just better at hiding it," then finally he laughed some more.

She pursed her lips at that, then sighed, and bowed in contrition. "My apologies, master," she said, and Roshi finally stopped laughing.

"Oh, take the fun out of it why don't ya," he said, before easing himself to the ground, his legs crossed, and she mimicked the position, even when he adjusted it into a Lotus, with the feet on the knees.

His joints audibly and loudly cracked, hers didn't.

"First thing you've gotta do is meditate," he said, and she frowned, she'd done that before with Gohan, though, she admitted, it did feel like it helped? And it  _had_ been a while...

She breathed in and breathed out, and focused herself on her centre, on the battle power, the 'ki' at the core of her being. She tried to do as Gohan taught her, clearing her mind, and thinking of nothing, but it was difficult, whenever her eyes closed she found herself drawn towards the sound of screams and scent of blood, where it pooled under her nails soaked into her skin and Would. Not. Come. Out.

She focused on the energy, as Gohan had taught her, applying pressure to it, rolling it into a ball, and just felt it, the way it shifted as she breathed, in and out.

Suddenly, it felt like it was attacked, like something was nudging against her centre, pushing it, knocking it off-balance, and she was _shocked_ , and didn't know what to do, she couldn't tell what it could be, as it buffeted her from all sides, couldn't see it at all, until finally, she gained some resolve before she nudged her own energy against it and grabbed on—

She blinked, and opened her eyes, and sitting in front of her, no,  _on_ her, in her lap, was Roshi, in his muscular form, his hands on her breasts and something from his groin poking her in the stomach.

She was honestly a little bit surprised he could get it up, frankly.

They stared at each other for a moment, then she frowned, considered his energy, and realized  _she could_ sense  _him_ , and, feeling the way his energy felt, she decided to replicate it, and forced the energy in her being into her muscles, reinforcing and adding to the energy they produced naturally. They bulked up, grew more veiny, and finally she was satisfied when she looked roughly like he did.

Roshi seemed less than pleased, with his hands against her hardened pecs, and fell back, his body deflating, and she followed suit.

She was amazed, on some level, to be able to feel the world around her like this, beyond sight or touch or sound or smell, as she felt the grass, her son, Launch, Chi-Chi and Krillin.

It was  _so much. **Too** much_ , frankly.

Gine decided to talk, to distract herself and ease herself into it, because she didn't really understand anything these Earthlings did, but _especially_ this. "Why do you all care about these things anyway?" she asked, indicating her chest, pointing at them and then flexing the pecs for emphasis. "Aren't you adults? You can get your own food, can't you?"

Roshi frowned, because normally he just got hit, and didn't get asked to _explain_ anything. It was, weirdly, actually uncomfortable, _awkward,_ even, trying to talk about it.

"Well, they're soft," he explained, and Gine seemingly considered that for a moment and then smirked in a way that was _frighteningly_  like Gohan and poked him in his deflated and wrinkly old-man tummy, causing him to, embarasingly,  _squeal_ at the surprise.

"So are you," she said teasingly. "But all the Earthlings don't go around staring at _that_."

Roshi blinked. Then he chuckled, and finally shrugged, she had a point. "Guess it's just our culture," he finally said. "Force of habit or osmosis."

Gine frowned. "But you also cover them up, all the time. At least, for females, and the only major biological difference is that they can lactate?" She frowned. "Is it the fat deposits? Because you don't like fat on your mates in general, so that doesn't make sense either. And males can get fat deposits there too?"

Roshi nodded. "'Guess it's  _because_ they're covered up all the time that they get all the attention."

Gine sat back at that, and said "Huh."

"Besides," Roshi said, leering, "Doesn't it feel  _good_ to get 'em touched?"

Gine, as before, didn't slap him for that, and just shrugged nonchalantly. "If they're touched well, which you didn't," she said, and boy if that didn't hurt his ego a lil'. "Besides, so can touching anywhere, like the earlobe," she said, running her fingers along the shell of his ear, causing him to heat up, "Or the neck," and this time when she touched his throat, he definitely got hard again, "Or," and then she looked mischievous and teasing again, his only warning before she grabbed his belly and  _squished_ it, "THIS!"

He slapped her hands and she immediately recoiled back, her hands away from him, and then bowed, contrite. "I'm sorry, for touching you in a way you didn't like," she said, her face to the ground, and then she looked up at him, her eyes piercing and her ki even moreso.

Roshi looked away, frowning. "Did Gohan put you up to this," he murmured.

Gine blinked. "No, did he tell you the same thing?" she guessed. She wanted to know how he was doing, how _she_ was doing, if she had learned well from him and was doing a good job.

Roshi sighed. "Not as effectively," he finally said, before looking at her. "Sooooooo," he drawled, "I guess they didn't have any perverts on your home planet."

She blinked, then smiled in a conspiratorial manner. "On my home planet," she whispered, like she was sharing some grave secret. "My husband and I were  _the biggest perverts of all_." Roshi leaned back at that, taken aback by the way she wiggled her eyebrows at him,  _saucily_. "Would you like to know what we did," she asked, and Roshi found himself nodding, some drool pooling in his mouth already.

She looked around, then leaned closer to his ear and whispered:

"We  _got **married** , and **held hands** , and said we  **loved** each other,_ " she told him, before leaning back so he could see her and shrugging.

 

 

 

* * *

**NOVEMBER**

 

 

 

Yamcha grinned, as he pushed himself in the gravity chamber Bulma's father had made him.

"Hey! What's he doing here!"

"We already told you, this is for the Royal Space Program! Capsule Corporation will hear from us if you don't get out of there, kid! It's a breach of contract!"

Yamcha sighed, finished his rep of push-ups, and got up, made his way over to the console, and powered the system down from the two and a half times normal Earth gravity he'd gotten it to.

He stumbled to the door, and managed to get out, panting, and tried to be as gracious and dignified as he could be when he said "All yours," but instead all that came out was a wheezing cough.

He saw Bulma, glaring at him, and winced as the glare came off of her face into concern, as she stalked over to him, and inspected his bandages, and he realized that he was bleeding through them, and the moment he noticed this was the moment he received the  _SLAP!_ he had been prepared for earlier.

"You literally had your top surgery yesterday!" Bulma shrieked, "And the Doctor said you're not supposed to use your chest muscles for another 3 months!"

"The tournament's coming, Bulma," Yamcha pleaded, "I have to—"

_SLAP!_

"...Okay," Yamcha said, rubbing his face, "What should I do?"

"The tournament's 6 months from now, isn't it? Just rest up and recover for now, then you can train yourself to hell or whatever for 3 months after that."

Yamcha sighed. "That makes more sense," he admitted, leaning his forehead against hers.

Bulma glared at him, her face pouting. "Don't  _scare_ me like that anymore," she finally said.

"I'm sorry."

Bulma smiled at him, and Yamcha smiled back.

They leaned in, their faces getting closer together, their lips brushed once, twice, three times—

"Make sure to use protection dears!"

_"MOM!"_

 

 

 

 

* * *

**AGE 750, MAY 6TH**

 

 

 

It had been 8 months of training, and one change of weighted Turtle Shells, but finally, the day of the Tournament arrived.

"Confound it," Roshi muttered, as his four students landed from their jump, "That darned tailor got my order wrong! You girls were supposed to get nice dresses with those measurements I got—"

Chi-Chi frowned. "Wait," she said, feeling uncomfortable, "How did you—"

" _I_ did it for him, after he showed me how on me," Gine explained, "Remember last week when I was marking how tall you all were?" and Chi-Chi frowned, she didn't exactly like Roshi touching Miss Gine either, but she didn't seem to mind, so...

Launch (her hair blue,) tilted her head. "Do dresses have inseams? Because when Gine measured me, she measured that."

Krillin blinked. "Wait, are me and Goku getting dresses?"

Goku shrugged, and picked at what was left of the lingerie top before his mom slapped his hand away. He sorta liked the frilly pink ruffles of it? It felt sorta nice against his skin, but it didn't hold up well during all the digging, so now it was mostly scraps.

He was still a little confused why nobody asked him to cover up  _his_ nipples, when they always asked his mom or Launch or Chi-Chi, but he guessed he didn't mind.

"You better not be!" Roshi snapped. "If I have to pay for two little-boy-sized dresses  _and_ these five new suits there'll be hell to pay!" he sighed, and went into the trunk of the car and pulled out five boxes, each with the characters for their names, and handed them out.

They all stared at him as he leaned against the car, pulled out his pipe, and started blowing smoke rings.

"Well, go on, get changed! All of ya!" They snapped to attention and headed inside, and Roshi blew one last smoke ring before putting up his pipe with a sigh. Part of him still felt like peeking, but the glares he'd receive from Turtle and Chi-Chi (and potentially one Launch) wouldn't be worth it, especially if Gohan or Ox or, heaven forbid  _Baba_ heard about it.

He rubbed his hand over his face when he once again saw the giant ape-paw/hand shaped crater, from the last full moon about a month ago, right next to the house. He had no idea how he was going to win this, he realized, the first night of the next moon was tomorrow night, same day as the finals.

...He'd just have to finish the whole thing before moonrise, he decided.

He turned his head when the door to his house shut and locked, and was part proud and still part annoyed at what he saw. "Get in the car," he said, as he got in and started the engine, and drove them all off to the airport.

Goku and Krillin and Chi-Chi looked cute in their suits and hats, and Chi-Chi blushed furiously about how great and 'cool' Goku said he thought she looked, and Roshi found that, even with everything, he was proud of them. They were the best students he'd ever had, and he was hopeful about their future.

Unfortunately, part of Roshi's good mood turned sour when he saw Launch and Gine, the suits made them look like a pair of dykes, and that _really_ didn't do it for him.

...Still, as students went he was proud of them too, even if Gine had an asterisk next to student, with a footnote reading "pre-trained killer space alien, has killed before, easily strong enough to decimate everything you love**."

...The second asterisk, of course, read "**Is, in fact, one of the things you love now, you trusting old fool," and part of him sighed again at how pathetic that was. He wished he could honestly say it was just because she let him get away with touching her boobies once, or that he'd gotten caught peeking at her underwear or even caught peeking on her naked without her getting mad, but the sheer level of innocent confusion and  _judgement_ she radiated each time had ruined it worse than upset or anger ever had, after only one or two times. She kept asking him questions that he didn't know the answers to, and then found himself asking  _himself_ those questions after the fact. He could barely even read  _porn_ anymore.

...He still could, and would, and did, but he _almost_ didn't feel like it!

Launch had lost basically all appeal to him; he could appreciate when she looked good, but after a few half-hearted attempts he'd honestly stopped trying anything.

Turtle had told him he was "growing as a person" and Roshi just glared at him,  _and_ that stupid cat Turtle was always with now. He'd  _been_ grown dangit, he  _used_ to be able to ride the nimbus, he'd used to respect women, and what'd it ever get him? A sister and a best friend that both hate him, a dead master, and students that never came by or called unless they needed something.

Being a gentleman and a good man might not have been the cause of his problems, but it hadn't gotten him anything either, had it? He was _old_ and so,  _so,_ **tired** , and thanks to that damned Elixir of Immortality he was just going to keep getting older and tireder until the Sun exploded, or the Demon King returned, or his best friend got enough money to hire his (the best friend's, that is,) little brother to kill him, or the monkeys he'd grown to love and cherish like his own granddaughter and son finally snapped and killed everyone.

Being good, being  _decent_ , being _kind_ took effort, and until now, he hadn't seen the point. And, if he was honest, he still didn't.

But _damn_ , if the literal alien, that had probably killed more people in 42 years than Roshi had ever known in over 300 didn't still seem more  _human_ than he felt, at times.

Sometimes, he wondered, as he felt the car dip in a great ape paw-print in the middle of the road, if maybe he should be more concerned with being a good example, and showing them that Earth was worth protecting.

Aboard the airplane, as he saw Goku and Gine looking out at the city below, with awe on Goku's face and  _love_ in Gine's, he decided that he didn't have to bother.

He watched the stewardess go by, her skirt showing off and clinging to her _fine_ ass, considered reaching out to touch, then turned over, and pulled his hat over his face to get some shut-eye.

The tournament tomorrow would keep them all busy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Maybe he just needed to buy some new porn with his prize money, the old stuff was probably just getting stale and routine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gine used kinkshame! It was Super-Effective!
> 
> ...It's honestly such a shame that Roshi is in a position as a character archetype in the series that making him basically an Incel is an improvement. That shouldn't be possible. But, giving him a _reason_ is something, to me, anyway, whether it justifies him or not, and it doesn't.
> 
> ...The fact that he can so easily abandon his "respect for women" when he felt it was too burdonsome shows that he probably didn't honestly respect them in the first place.
> 
> Like, he's 300 years old, and he's lived through some shit, being an Incel is never justifiable, but he comes close. Closer than any irl incel.
> 
> ...I might be misusing Incel. I'm old. Closer to Gine's age than Roshi's, but still. Either way, if you think Roshi's right there, fuck off!
> 
> ...Also, Roshi can be (partially) guilted out of it, which IRL Incels probably can't be. Don't try it at home.
> 
> Tournament next. The line-up might surprise you! Or not, Idk.
> 
> Launch's dream is a reference to [this thing from the series.](https://unnounblr.tumblr.com/post/180728395257/bardocks-bandanna-im-not-sure-if-anyone-else)
> 
> ...This chapter might have had more pushback from Gine on both Roshi's lingerie uniforms and also Chichi's weird childhood armor, but as I wrote the last chapter with Chi-Chi I realized that everyone in the PTO dresses like, well, like a thot?
> 
> Like, Raditz has a garter on his left thigh. And only the left thigh. What's up with that?
> 
> Is he some sorta space-stripper?
> 
> That was going to be a line from Gine in the Raditz intro in the Saiyan Saga, when I realized, no, Gine comes from that society, it should seem perfectly normal to her. Instead she would be confused that soft Earthling strippers dress themselves like alien elite warriors.
> 
> ...I sorta wanna save the "Space Stripper" line for Bulma or Roshi to say it, but I might not, and I needed to slut-shame Raditz somewhere in this fic.
> 
> I'm against slutshaming in the general sense, but. In this case specifically I say it out of love.
> 
> ...But, seriously, though, the men in space dress like that, and Jaco never wears clothes besides his vest, boots and gloves. I've read fics with the alien characters reacting like humans when a perv like Roshi shows up and.
> 
> Ignoring how the over the top reaction in anime is such a cliche by now, and just reinforces the status quo of these things, like.
> 
> ...Even on Earth not every culture sexualizes boobs the way the west and Japan do? Stop treating breasts like that! #freethenip!
> 
> Anyway, my point is, a literal alien feeling the exact same way about these things as a human doesn't make sense to me, but that doesn't make all or any of Roshi's behavior alright or okay either?
> 
> ...The basic, underlying joke of "pervert gets what he wants without complaints and comeuppance and then stops liking it" is probably a bad one, my mistake, sorry.
> 
> ...I forget, why did Baba show up to Chi-Chi and Goku's wedding?
> 
> I remember in the anime somewhere that Ox-King called Baba 'mom' and. That's a weird family tree, but also makes sense?
> 
> ...Shit. What if it was Yenma. His Horns look like Ox-King's, and Baba works with him for her necromancy, so.
> 
> ...I dunno if any of this is "canon" but it's the story that's most fun/interesting for me to write now, sorry.
> 
> And, Roshi doesn't always say _nice_ things to Ox-King, but he still trained him. Some sorta blood oath, or nepotism with his sister _could_ explain that?
> 
> ...It might not explain why Ox-King doesn't age, actually, because Roshi's immortality is because of an Elixir of Immortality he drank, and he does seem to age in Dragon Ball GT and Online. His hair goes from gray to white.


	6. The Strongest Under the Heavens!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, whoops. Sorry everyone for the wait! My bad! I hope I won't have a hiatus here too long next time. Also sorry for too many sex jokes and naked scenes, I'm definitely going to try to cut back. A lot.
> 
> ...Anyway, for your regularly scheduled Dragon Ball rambling. So, a lot of the characters in Jaco the Galactic Patrolman do have two names, like Tokunoshin Omori or Tamagoro Katayude, but the setting for that story is in East City, or islands and regions around or near East City, which I guess comprises the East District, which East City is the capital of. Where the Son Family lives is in the East District. Mt. Frypan sorta seems to be too. If only because Frypan seems to be where they live in the manga. 439 East District in both.
> 
> Omori mentions, when he meets Tights, that her name sounds like she's from the West District, which, is that because she only has one name, or is it because _everyone in the West District is named after underwear_ or could it be _both?_ Listen, I need to talk about this. Does everyone in West City have an underwear name. And don't bring up the anime or dub, I mean. In the manga. Is that the implication, Toriyama, 30 years later? I wouldn't even be mad, but. I need to know, though. There's apparently 3 people named 'Bulma' in West City, and Ranfan's name means 'lingerie' and she apparently has a husband named 'Trunks' according to a guide, so. We don't know where Ranfan, like, lives or comes from though. Not unless we find out when Tambourine kills her, I forget.
> 
> Videl says that two names are unique to the Sons, because she doesn't know anyone else, but she also says family names are "old fashioned" and the Buu Saga is, like, 10 years after Nappa blew up East City. There could be an implication that Nappa single-handedly wiped the tradition of family names off Earth. Or very nearly, outside the Sons.
> 
> I considered a thing where Goku in base here is actually weaker than he is in the series, because he spent so much more time with Oozaru training instead of sleeping, and for the body to get stronger it needs to rest in order to recover and rebuild itself. I dunno if I conveyed that idea very well, honestly, though. He's still really strong. It was only 3 days every 28, so it probably wasn't much sleep lost.
> 
> ...Krillin is the best Dragon Ball character! He is my son, and I Iove him.
> 
> Anyway, I'm open to criticism. There's a handful of jokes I wrote that I stared at and thought I should cut, but too much of the other jokes relied on the earlier ones, and it ended up being a mess.
> 
> God, though, writing this chapter in particular was. Hard. I like the Tournament arcs in the original series, but writing this one?? Was hell?? So much so that I gave up trying to be original and ended up just going full novelization for the last two matches, which was hellish in its own right. I _really_ hope that's not a sign of things to come, because there's two more tournaments relatively soon-ish.
> 
> Side-note, I don't wanna give too much away, but there's a handful of things Masako came up with in his videos that seemingly pre-empted ideas I already had independently but haven't gotten to yet, but if he one-ups the one thing for this AU I wanted to do I might be _pissed._
> 
> ...Man, I haven't even actually _watched_ any of Masako X's Gine!AU videos since the first one, where I got mad over how he handled the early pre-"Z" Dragon Ball, and decided to start writing this fic out of spite, but some of those thumbnails. I swear I had certain ideas well before I saw those thumbnails. And now I am so scared of Masako stealing my thunder that it's basically the only reason for the cliffhanger. I needed this chapter _out_.
> 
> I'm not giving away what exactly I'm going to do, but suffice to say that. TFS's Episode 60 _did_ have an impact on my deciding to do this, in no small part because of how good their cover of Day of Fate was. So I have some Cell Saga ideas and, well, changes already in mind. And I hate the fact that at my update rate, if he has the same ideas as me, Masako will beat me to it.

**AGE 750, MAY 6TH-7TH**

 

 

 

 When they arrived at the Tournament's grounds that night, Krillin looked up and gaped, awed at the majesty of this temple to combat!

"These three are contestants dagnabbit!"

"I mean, the —er, young blonde woman—"

"She has blue hair sometimes, it changes as a special, er, technique, let's say..."

Goku ignored Roshi as he argued with the man at the desk as he looked around at the crowd, he'd never seen so many people!

He wanted to go towards something that smelled like food, but his mom grabbed him by his tail, and Chi-Chi grabbed his hand.

For some reason, he kept looking down at their linked fingers whenever she did that. It made her all red and smell sorta funny. He didn't  _mind_ it, but it still seemed sorta strange to him.

"There, all signed up."

Chi-Chi looked hopeful. "Even—"

"Forget it," Roshi shook his head. "Your dad would have my hide if he heard that you competed under my watch."

Goku frowned. "Wait, I thought you were stronger than the Ox-King!"

"If I can use a Kamehameha, sure, if he gets one of those slabs of beef he calls hands on my skull and goes MAX_POWER—"

"CHI-CHI!"

"Oh, speak of the Ox-Devil..."

"I thought the Ox-Devil was my grandpa," Chi-Chi said.

"That or Death, my sister's not very trustworthy when it comes to introductions..." Roshi said. "And I'm terrible at names, anyway. I do still remember the horns though. Yer gramps had those."

Gyū Maō rushed over and picked up Gine and spun her around. "Oh, Chi-Chi, you've grown so m-m-much!" he sobbed into the woman's hair.

"Um, daddy?" Chi-Chi pulled on his cape.

Gyū Maō looked at Chi-Chi, then at Goku's mom blinking owlishly at him, then at Chi-Chi's pouting face, then blushed bright scarlet and put the woman down again. "Sorry!"

Chi-Chi glanced at Gine, then at her dad, then at Gine, smiled and seemed about to say something, then felt Goku put his hand in hers, looked at their joined hands, then back at their parents, then at Goku's smiling face, and immediately kept her mouth shut. Her dad's happiness could wait, she decided, perhaps selfishly.

"Oh, before I forget," Roshi popped open a capsule and pulled out five more boxes. "These are uniforms," he explained. "For all of you. Even you ladies not competing. The suits aren't great for fighting, and I paid too much for you to mess them up even if they were!"

Chi-Chi glanced at the crowd, then at Roshi, then at her father, then at the intersection of two of the temple's walls right beside them. "Daddy, can you block off this corner so me and Ms. Launch and Ms. Gine can get changed without people seeing?

Ox-King frowned. "Aren't there any changing rooms?"

"Time's getting kinda short," Krillin commented, his shirt already off, while Goku pulled his new pants on.

Ox-King sighed, and moved to the corner, but Chi-Chi pushed his side. "Turn the other way, don't  _look_ at us!"

Ox-King turned around, and looked at Gine as she pocketed the capsule with the Gi in it. "I'm not fighting," she explained, "So I don't need to change. Goku, Krillin, give me your suits!" she went after them, and got them to fold the clothes, and put them in the boxes, which she capsulized and pocketed.

Ox-King blinked, remembered something, then reached behind himself, and grabbed his daughter by the head, blushed from embarrassment and hesitated when he realized his mistake when he saw she'd gotten her pants down to her knees and started screaming to put her back and let her keep changing, then he made his decision and quickly pulled the pants back up to her waist, and spoke without looking to Ms. Launch, "Could you get me the belt and suspenders, please Miss?"

He fiddled with all the buttons and zippers and buckles and clasps, difficult with his massive fingers, but eventually he got Chi-Chi's dress suit back on her without making  _too_ much of a scene. "You aren't fighting, so you don't need a Gi for today," he said firmly. Then he looked her up and down, even as she scowled at him and pouted and looked about to cry, and he smiled warmly. "It looks good on you," he admitted, "Forget about whatever the council says about a proper woman's dress, you pull it off sweetie."

"...Thanks, daddy," she mumbled, still pouting.

"I don't like wearing that suit," Goku said, putting his boots on, "But if I look half as good as you do Chi-Chi, then  _wow_ _ee_!"

Chi-Chi blushed at the compliment, and then mumbled into her daddy's leg without looking at her fiance. "Thank you," she murmured.

"I'm ready!" Launch announced and Ox-King stepped forward and turned.

He didn't know what he was expecting, honestly, but the Turtle Uniform fit her pretty well. Roshi hadn't made any modifications Ox had expected, like a plunging neckline or anything. It was a  _slight_ v-neck, but not anymore so than Goku's or Krillin's, or what Gyū Maō remembered of his own uniform from way back when.

The blonde scowled up at him. "What're ya lookin' at, tiny," she said, and Gyū Maō honestly wasn't sure how he should respond to that.

"GOKU!!!!!"

Everyone looked, as towards them came a young man in a green vest with an orange scarf, and short cropped, slightly spiky and unruly hair. "Hey, long time no see, Goku, Gine."

"Good to see you, Yamcha," Gine said warmly, and Goku had to do a double-take. It  _WAS_ Yamcha, he realized.

"Whoa! What ate all your hair," Goku asked, and Yamcha shrugged.

"Think I look more manly?" he asked, then looked around at the other assembled members of the troupe. "Hey Master Roshi, Chi-Chi, Gyū Maō, and..."

"I'm Launch! Put 'er there!" Blonde Launch said, extending her arm in a handshake and flexing the biceps, making Yamcha turn slightly red.

"I'm Krillin," Krillin introduced, slightly put-off by being overshadowed by the taller people as always, but yelped when Goku grabbed Launch and him around the shoulders and neck and pulled them into a pseudo-hug at Goku's height.

"They're my new pals and training partners," Goku introduced, and Krillin blinked as he realized, at the angle she was being pulled to, Yamcha could probably see right down the front of Launch's gi?

The man stammered slightly, and said "W-well, I look forward to seeing them in the competition," when suddenly more yelling started.

"Goku!!!" "Goku!!!"

Bulma came forward and elbowed Yamcha out of the way, Puar floating next to her, each with an ice-cream cone.

Yamcha paused and stopped his momentum when he nearly tripped over a Turtle with a cat on its shell. "Hi there," the Turtle said.

"Meow," said the cat.

"Scratch! That's where you went, eh?"

Out of the crowd came Dr. Brief and Panchy, both, for some reason, in suits the same as Chi-Chi and Gine still wore. "And who are these handsome young ladies," Panchy said, her hat balanced delicately on her blonde updo, as she picked up Chi-Chi, who had been trying and failing to hide behind her father's leg, and gave her a kiss on the cheek, before letting the little girl go, at which point she and her husband approached Gine, glanced at each other, and kissed her on both cheeks at once. "Evenin', beautiful!" they said simultaneously, making Gine blush and stammer herself.

"Evenin'," she managed to say.

"Where'd you go!?" Bulma demanded of Roshi. "I dropped by your island to see Goku and Gine, and none of you were there!"

"You think my island is where I train? It's more for lovin', if you know what I—"

"Roshi." Gine spoke with an uncharacteristically flat tone.

"Yes'm." Roshi shut his mouth, and shrugged and turned to speak to Ox, only to realize that Bulma's parents were surrounding Gyū Maō now, Panchy draping herself around one of his biceps, while Brief seemed to be appreciating one of the Ox-man's gargantuan thighs while maintaining conversation. Roshi coughed and adjusted his hat, hoped that the glue had enough time to dry, then cleared his throat. "Well, this is as far as us Noncombatants can go," he said, pointing towards the building marked 'Competition Hall,'  "So the four of you better do your best!"

Chi-Chi opened her mouth, but her father silenced her with a Look. "He means Mr. Yamcha here."

Chi-Chi went back to pouting, then looked up and smiled after Goku as he went off. "Good luck, Goku!" she called.

"I'm already proud of you, Goku," Gine said, tears welling up in her eyes. "You too Krillin!"

Bulma glanced around, as she noticed the sudden absence of an obnoxious presence. "Hey, where'd Roshi go?"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Next to the windows where the preliminaries were taking place, Gine floated with Bulma and Puar, while Chi-Chi, pouting, stood on Gyū Maō's shoulders, watching as Goku, Krillin, Yamcha and Launch competed, pushing their way to the top of their brackets to make it to the finals.

"I think me and the Hubby are going to get some ice cream!" Panchy announced, calling up from her place on the ground. "You want anything dears?"

"Uh, I'll come with too, Ma'am, if, uh, you don't mind," Turtle said bashfully.

"Of course!" Brief said. "Any friend of Scratch is a friend of ours!"

"Meow," Scratch said, from his rightful place, returned to Brief's shoulder.

Gine opened her mouth to say something, then sighed and turned back to the window. Gine frowned as she saw Krillin face off against a pair of tall monks with the same incense burns on their foreheads and the uniform Krillin had worn when he arrived to train.

She could feel Krillin's distress in his ki, it resonated with her own, and with her enhanced, above-human hearing, she heard the tail-end of their conversation; "See you in the ring Cry-Baby Krillin, the circus freak!"

Something in Gine  _snapped_ and she ripped the window off the window-frame, and focused her ki to make sure she was heard when she yelled "You can do it Krillin baby! I believe in you! Beat their asses!" startling the competitors, but Krillin most of all.

He jolted in the ring and when the tall skinny monk rushed at him he reflexively punched, sending the fighter flying right through the brick wall and into Gine. She glanced down at the dazed Earthling, he was still breathing and his ki was still going strong, just unconcscious.

Bulma hopped out of her arms and went over to the hole in the wall, and Gine nonchalantly walked forward and through it, making an outline roughly the size and shape of her body in the brickwork as it collapsed around her.

Chi-Chi hopped off her father to run inside but he caught her by putting his hand on her head and grabbing it, causing her to scream in frustration at being stopped from going where she wanted. "Hun," Ox-King said, "Calm down, I can feel your horns growing."

Chi-Chi blushed pink, and her hands flew up to her own head, and her father's flew away. In an instant, she saw an opportunity, and ran over to Gine, still standing in the Gine-shaped hole in the wall with Bulma in front of her, and Chi-Chi leapt up and clung to Gine's torso with her legs and arms wrapped around her like a baby monkey, and Gine's tail instinctively flew up to wrap around and secure her, and rub soothing circles into her back. As she did, she looked down at the tips of the tiny horns poking through the girl's hair.

Suddenly Gine gagged when she noticed an overpowering stench, and paled and turned green when she looked to see Launch's match-up. The world turned black, and Gine fell back, and fainted.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Launch gagged when she saw her opponent, nevermind when she smelled him.

("It's Bacterian! His greatest weapon is his terrible stench! They say he's never bathed a day in his life!" Yamcha cried from the sidelines.)

("How is he not dead! He smells terrible!" Krillin said.)

("How do you know," Goku groaned in agony, his powerful nose overloaded, "You don't have a nose, Krillin.")

("...Oh wow, I don't! Sucks to be you guys, I guess, heh heh!")

He was covered in hair, all of it clumped and matted, and his skin was pale, making him look much like a corpse that had bloated in a river, and she instinctively held her nose as the giant looked down at her and laughed, a terrible smog pouring from his mouth. "And who be this wench!"

She jumped up and punched him in the face, and immediately regretted it when his nose and part of his cheek  _came off_ revealing the bone underneath.

"There! Ya see! I be the dread pirate Bacterian! Undead Scourge of the High Seas! None can know the scent of me and live! Not even myself! Yar!"

("...Yamcha?")

("...Yeah?")

("Why is he a zombie pirate?")

("...How should I know, man!?")

Launch stood there in shock and shuddered as she shook off the rotted meat and skin on her hand, and during that time her opponent slugged her across the jaw, leaving a gross-smelling smudge on her face.

Launch was out of ideas, so she did the only thing she could think of, and cupped her hands to the sides, "Ka, Me, Ha, Me," she chanted, and didn't feel anything, until she gritted her teeth and reached across herself, to where her blonde half lay asleep, they had to do this together!

"Now die!" Bacterian turned around, bent over, and dropped his shorts, and after seeing the hairy tunnel filled with brown and green, surrounded by rotting globes with peeling skin she closed her eyes, unable to handle it.

"HA!" she roared, both of her, hair blonde and blue at once, the blue light racing forward, enveloping Bacterian, and when the light cleared, only the smell of him remained.

She fell back, exhausted, and pulled at her hair, checking to see if it was still blue. She'd never killed anyone like this, as this version of herself, she realized. "I'm disqualified," she said numbly.

The judge in his gas mask shook his head. "As the other contestant was legally and medically dead, and has no next of kin, nobody can charge you with anything," he said finally. "Congrats on moving to the finals, and you and everyone in this room will have to sign a confidentiality waiver and never speak of this again."

_"NOT SO FAST! THAT WASN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM! YAR!"_

Launch looked at the shimmering green cloud, the stench of Bacterian brought to life, and as the scent of the cloud reached her she turned green (not just her face, but her eyes and hair as well), vomited, and fell off the ring, into her own vomit.

_"YAR HAR HAR! I WIN!"_

"NO!" the judge shouted, refusing to believe this was happening. "Sentient stink clouds of undead buccaneers aren't allowed to compete! You're disqualified! Get the _hell_ off the premises before I call security! Or sanitation, or a priest, or, _SOME_ BODY!"

 _"YE AIN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, MATEYS! YAR!"_ the scent cloud cried, before floating at the windows and dispersing.

The judge pulled off his gas mask and glared at everyone in the room, contestants that had fallen, and those yet to compete, the rest of the staff, and the intruders that had broken down one of the walls. He stared at each person in turn, his face pale and sweating, and his eyes wild and manic. "Never. Speak of this. Again." he demanded.

Little did the tiny, insignificant tournament judge know, but Bacterian the Pirate would return in—

"NO! NEVER AGAIN! DON'T MAKE ME CALL _LEGAL_ YOU CRAZY NARRATING BITCH!"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Doctor Gero, secret leader and head researcher and weapons developer of the Red Ribbon Army, suddenly wondered, for the first time in years, what had _happened_ to his old pirate crew, or his greatest creation under their employ, the skull-faced Android 2.

Eh, it's not like it  _mattered_ now. He just had to put the finishing touches on the new Android 8!

"Gero!"

" _WHAT!?_ "

"Send Android 8's parts to be completed and assembled by General White!"

"Okay, sir, but  _why_ , though!?"

"To give him and that ninja something to do, they're always complaining about how boring it is in the snow."

Gero took a deep breath, looked at the body parts and machinery scattered around him, shut off the microphone to his lab, and said one word, a word that thankfully his wife and son weren't around to hear him say.

"Fuck."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Gine blinked when she was slapped awake by Ox-King, and looked around to see Krillin carrying an unconscious Goku, with Yamcha holding an unconscious Launch.

"We, we won!" Krillin announced, giggling, and Gine smiled at that, but frowned at the state the other two were in. She sat up, wobbling only a little, her head was killing her, and she took a breath in her nose and regretted it, but she shook herself, and crawled over to Goku and Launch, carefully examining them as she put her hands on their foreheads. She assessed their ki, and, pausing to get control of her  _own_ ki, gave a gentle nudge, the way Roshi had been showing her these past 8 months. As one, the two shot awake, and breathed a sigh of relief. She'd never actually  _tried_ to heal an injury on a real living person before, Roshi had never tested her on the practical, and she was so relieved it had worked.

...For some reason Launch's hair kept changing, from green, to pink, to orange, to purple, before finally settling on the blonde that was one of Launch's normals, and when her eyes opened they were green, so Gine counted that as a success. Just to be sure, though, she pulled out a pepper packet, and was relieved when the girl's eyes turned black and her hair turned blue, and her general expression and demeanor seemed softer and less aggressive. Good. That was how it should be.

"M-mommy?" Goku groaned as he sat up, and Gine pulled him into a hug and kissed him on the head. She glanced back at Launch, blinking as she sat up, cutely, and Gine decided to hug and kiss her on the head too, then she kissed Krillin on his shiny head, then Yamcha and Bulma, but when Roshi arrived and leaned towards her while grinning, she hesitated, then shrugged and reached towards his hat, but was taken by surprise when his eyes suddenly bugged out and he jumped away from her, clutching his hat to his head.

"So, did you all qualify?" Roshi asked, which made Gine really confused, she felt his energy, wasn't he there? But Bulma interrupted her with indignance.

"They're your students and you didn't even bother to watch!?"

"I was in the bathroom!"

"No you weren't," Gine said, "You were—"

 _Unless you wanna wear a wig and a fake beard keep your mouth shut woman!_ Roshi thought at her, yelling telepathically.

Gine didn't know what to say to that, while Roshi, for his part, seemed scared of her for a moment, before she relented and projected submission as much as she could psychically, which somehow didn't help, and only made him more tense.

Suddenly, a gong rang out."Will the contestants for the finals please return to the fighter's waiting area!" A voice announced, and immediately Launch and Yamcha turned and headed back, while Goku and Krillin hopped over a wall that Goku said was a 'shortcut'. Bulma looked around and noticed that Roshi vanished once again, while Gine just stared in confusion at where her ki sense was telling her the old man had gone.

"Come on, we want a good spot by the arena, don't we?" Bulma insisted as she pushed her towards the tournament stage, and Gine followed along, relieved when Ox-King and Chi-Chi followed them, and eventually Brief, Panchy, Scratch and Turtle returned, all with ice creams.

"Perfect timing," Panchy said, as she and Brief seemed to cluster closer to Gine herself, while she smiled at them and tried to welcome them, she didn't want to be rude, but most of her attention was drawn to the arena.

What was he  _doing?_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WE'RE HERE TO ANNOUNCE THE MATCH-UPS AND BEGIN! WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE 21ST, TENKA'ICHI BUDŌKAI!"

" **MATCH NUMBER 1!** : **YAMCHA** **VS GIRRAN** **!"**

**"MATCH NUMBER 2!: GOKU VS RANFAN!"**

**"MATCH 3! KRILLIN VS NAM!"**

**"AND MATCH-UP FOUR! JACKIE-CHUN VS. LAUNCH!"**

"THE QUARTER-FINALS ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN! I HOPE YA LIKE YOUR SEATS FOLKS, BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO GET STARTED!"

"Gosh, he's loud," Panchy commented as the announcer stepped aside to let an elderly, droopy-faced dog in robes onto the stage to bless the proceedings.

"Wonder how loud he is in the sack," Brief commented, and Panchy grinned at him.

"Wanna find out," she asked, and Gine blushed at the way they pressed against her sides.

"GO YAMCHA!" Puar cried, as Yamcha entered the ring.

"I wonder what this Girran guy looks like," Bulma said, "If he's hot enough, then maybe I'll cheer for him instead."

Gine's head turned around with a snap, and Panchy and even Brief gave a more than slightly disapproving look. Bulma, for her part, was completely unphased by their judgment.

The announcer hopped up to the stage, grinning. "IN THIS CORNER, YAMUCHAN!" Yamcha rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, and the announcer paused and leaned over to stage-whisper. "Er, did I say that right?"

"Sorry, man, but..." Yamcha grinned and swiped the microphone "IT'S YAMCHA!" he crowed, and Bulma grinned, then scowled when all the girls started sighing.

Then she started screeching wordlessly when her mom pulled out a pair of panties and threw it on the stage.

The announcer frowned and Yamcha held up his hands defensively, until the announcer snatched the microphone back.

Girran stepped out of the gate to the green room with a grin on his face. "HOWDY, Y'ALL!" he called out cheerfully, before landing on the stage with a single push of his wings and leaning back and roaring.

_**"RAAAAWRRRR~!!" ** _

"Great," Brief groaned, "Like there aren't enough of those people around."

"Dad! Don't be racist!" Bulma hissed at him.

"I meant people that say 'howdy' and 'ya'll'!" Brief said, opening a pack and popping a cigarette in his mouth. 

"Let the first match of the Twenty-First Strongest Under the Heavens BEGIN!"

Yamcha zoomed forward to the dragon-like man, faster than the opponent could see, making his eyes widen. "Wolf-Fang Fist!" Yamcha cried, slashing across Girran's chest with his curled fingers and sending him back, floating in the sky as he pumped his wings.

"Wolf-Fang Fist?" some of the crowd murmured, especially the wolf and dog-people in the crowd, while the head monk of the temple shook his head and jowls sadly. "Woof," he said solemnly.

"Ya see that!" Girran said from his place in the sky. "See how the humans see us!"

The head monk held up a paw, and said "Woof" into the announcer's microphone.

"Uh," the announcer began to translate for his boss, "while we aren't going to penalize you for it because there's no rules about it— we're actually almost completely unregulated, it's shocking— we officially don't condone such flagrant insensitivity!"

"GUM GUM PISTOL!" Girran roared.

"Whoa there! Copyright violations are a different story entirely, big guy!"

Out of Girran's mouth came a wad of pink gum, which Yamcha leapt out of the way of, only for it to rebound off the ring and onto Yamcha's leg. From his place spectating, Nam gasped as he recognized the pink, sticky substance.

"It was you who destroyed my village's water supply!" he gaped in horror.

"GAH! Gahahaha!" Girran chuckled then dove towards Yamcha, who was still in midair, the monster-beast moving forward and down with his claws outstretched in a ferocious swooping dive. "I win! Gahahaha!"

Yamcha leapt back and sprang off his hands and swung his gummed leg up into Girran's snout, where the gum stuck the two together firmly. Yamcha and the stunned Girran flew and tumbled end-over end, until finally Yamcha swung his leg with Girran still attached, forcing Girran to land on the grass outside the ring, while Yamcha landed with his remaining leg and both arms still on the tile. Girran's head moved in a circle in his daze, and Yamcha was brought further and further down, into a deeper and deeper split.

There was a ripping sound and Yamcha blushed, while the young girls in the audience (and Panchy) squealed loudly, at the way his underwear clung to his butt through the rip in his gi trousers.

Bulma was about to be indignant and say something, then shrugged. He had a great ass, she couldn't begrudge that, she should just admire the view.

"The winner of the first match is Yamcha, as while he and Girran are stuck together, no part of Yamcha's body has actually touched down outside the ring!"

"A lil' help, please?" Yamcha groaned, sinking ever deeper into the split. This was _so_ not cool!

Goku tried to do a split, and hissed when he could only get part of the way down. He needed to work on that, it looked super cool, and really useful! Oh well, he thought, reaching out with chopsticks to inhale another round of noodles from a bowl off the floor, he'd just have to train more on that for next time.

Jackie Chun stroked his beard. The lad was a talented martial artist. If Jackie Chun didn't have to do this, he thought, then maybe...

 _Why_  do  _you have to this,_ Gine thought at him, irritably.

 _These young people need to know better than to rely on aliens and their own_ mothers  _for everything,_ Jackie Chun told her.  _They need to know to always improve themselves, and test themselves and their limits._

 _But **why**  _ she found herself asking,  _what do they need strength for, for what purpose_ she asked, even as a hunger in her bones _screamed_ at her,  _judged_ her for daring to even  _ask_ such a question,  _where is your **PRIDE!?**_

"Because this," Jackie Chun, the Invincible, Heavenly Old Master said aloud, "Is the way of Martial Arts."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ranfan blinked, as she saw who her first opponent was going to be. Seriously, a kid?

She took in the way he looked at her, the way he glanced at her chest and rear, and she considered the possibility that, yes, maybe her special technique could work, but. It'd be really weird? And  _gross_?! She wasn't a creep, she just happened to take advantage of them.

...T-... _then_ the brat  _sniffed_ her and she decided she would make him and his little tail wish that he had never been born.

"Are you a girl?" the boy asked, and she just thought, he couldn't  _tell_?

"Are our finalists ready!?"

Ranfan nodded and got into her stance, and was surprised when the boy didn't, just standing with his arms at his sides.

It didn't have to be her usual methods, the kid seemed nice enough, basic psychology would do the trick. She smiled at him, and when he smiled back she took that as a cue to leap at him with a kick to the head!

And the instant she did, he blocked, and punched her between the legs harder than she'd been hit by anything in her life.

She collapsed face down, dimly aware her butt was in the air but mostly she tried to keep herself from crying and passing out, as she put her hands on her precious button then winced and nearly shrieked when it  _hurt_ to touch, and instead just lay there, as the world passed by around her.

"Ranfan is down!" the announcer crowed. If she could, and if she could  _think_ right now, she would honestly glare at him. She'd  _asked_ him about hits below the belt to her parts, and he'd just brushed her off!

"Wait, what's going on!" the boy, Goku asked. "I thought girls didn't have balls! It didn't feel like you did. Why are you still on the ground!?"

"I think you hit her in the clitoris!" a poofy haired blonde woman in a suit called, making a little girl on top of a giant bearded man blush.

"Oh," the kid said, and Ranfan blinked, because he knew what that was? "But I thought Master Roshi's books said it felt good to touch that?" A wild-haired woman in a suit with a tail like the boy's just shook her head and sighed. "Also, wait, I'm sorry! I'm not supposed to touch another girl there, I'm engaged!" the boy said panicking, looking at her and the blushing girl, "She's the only one I'm supposed to make feel good, even with permission!"

 _ **"WHAT!?"**_ the massive horned man roared.

"Er, when we're older, and actually get married, I mean!" the boy stammered. Ranfan wanted to _kill_ this kid, but, as much as this hurt, his concern over this was, weirdly, cute? It reminded her of her and her fiancé, underneath and aside from the hick aphorisms. She and Trunks had known each other since they were kids too, so, who was she, a city girl from West District to judge?

"Daddy, don't worry," the girl said, soothingly, as the giant grumbled.

"It only feels good if you're _gentle_ ," Ranfan somehow managed to get out, her tiny voice echoing in the sudden silence, but without any of the profanity or names she wanted to call the kid.

"Hey!" Goku whirled and grabbed the announcer from where he was just off-stage. "I thought you said girls couldn't get hurt there!"

"Wha-  _me!?"_ the announcer cried, dangling in the air.

"It's not a fair fight if I can't get hurt there and she can," the boy insisted, demanding, stomping his foot and shattering the tiles, making Ranfan realize  _he'd been holding back_.

"...Are you saying you want to get _disqualified?_ " the announcer asked, and Ranfan looked up, all thoughts of the pain gone, because  _seriously!?_  

"I don't, but instead, can't we just make it so it's okay if she hits me there?" the boy said, "Because if not, then I'll give up! Winning an unfair fight is no fun!"

The announcer glanced at the dog-man in monk robes, and the dog said "Woof."

"I guess we can allow it for this match, but." The announcer looked around nervously. "Seriously, kid, are you really just gonna stand there and let her hit you _there_?"

"I mean, if she can manage to, sure!" the boy said overconfidently, and Ranfan took a deep breath, and launched herself again, spinning around on her hands to give herself momentum as she knocked Goku's legs out from under him, then swung her legs again on another spin between the boy's legs, satisfied when she felt her boot make contact.

The boy went down, wheezing audibly as all the air went out of him, and as he fell, he lashed out with his elbow, hitting her between her gut and her pelvis, and she could feel the impact right in her fucking. Was that an ovary? Fallopian tubes? It _hurt_ , and she felt it shooting all the way between her legs,  _again,_ either way.

"Ranfan and Goku are both down!" the announcer called loudly, and Ranfan looked up, and saw Goku slumped over on the tile, and felt herself grin, then winced when grinning hurt.

They probably looked  _ridiculous_.

She blinked, though, when the boy, still wheezing, tried to push himself up, so she gritted her teeth, and tried to do the same, and just couldn't manage it. She got up to her elbows, when they gave out under her and she was dazed when she hit her chin on the tile.

"...8!" and Ranfan realized she must have blacked out for a moment, as she saw the announcer slashing his hand through the air, while Goku stood, on admittedly shaky legs, cupping his crotch while his knees were turned inwards.

"I surrender," Ranfan groaned out, and was surprised when the boy reached out a hand and pulled her up.

"What were those kicks you hit me with?" the boy said breathlessly, and Ranfan managed to wheeze out "Capoeira," in answer, and when the boy stumbled on his still shaky legs, she supported him, and when she stumbled he supported her, and she found herself grinning like a loon, trying to ignore the possibility of infertility or other issues for now, because. Well, she'd never wanted or  _liked_ kids, and she'd been worried Trunks would push her on it. But this one was alright, despite everything. She could adopt, she figured. She'd been practicing in martial arts for years, but even though she'd lost, after only three attacks, she'd never had to take her clothes off or fake weakness, and she felt strangely  _good_ about it, and about herself.

"Could you get me and my little friend here some ice packs," she asked one of the tournament staff, as they made their way to a wall where they could both lean against it, and both of them sighed in relief when they put the ice in their laps.

So she didn't get the money, things would be fine, probably. Trunks had wanted a less expensive honeymoon anyway, and, thought Ranfan as she closed her eyes, that was just fine with her.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 "HEY ERRYBODY! I'M JACKIE!"

"Hey! That's mine!"

Launch stared as Jackie Chun started dancing and beatboxing.

"A one! A two, a one! Two! Three!"

Was this really happening? She'd given up robbing banks for  _this_!?

"~COME ON OUT TO THE FARM WITH ME! I GOT A GREAT BIG TRACTOR THAT YOOOOU SHOULD SEE!!! CITY BOYS CALL ME A COUNTRY HICK! THEY MAY GOT MONEY BUT THEY AIN'T GOT _DIIIICK!!_! YEEE _OWW_!!!"

Was this his special technique, the blonde thought to herself. Because the match hadn't started.

She blinked and saw Goku, snoring next to that Ranfan lady (who was also snoring, and louder, but not as loud as Gine, thankfully) but his tail thumped on the ground in time with the. Technically it was rhythm? He was grossly out of tune, but she couldn't fault his beat. Maybe he should be a drummer.

"C'mon y'all, can't ya see," the old man crooned, "That a martial artists life is the only life for me!"

Goku suddenly was on the stage, his face slack, a snot bubble and drool coming out of his face, and the ice pack in his pants partway hanging out, but even with that he still copied all of Jackie's movements perfectly and simultaneously.

Even if Launch noticed his face twitch into a wince or grimace every time he moved his legs.

"A ONE TWO THREE FOUR A BOOM BOOM BOOM! A DEE DEE DEE! A MARTIAL ARTISTS' LIFE IS THE ONLY LIFE FOR ME!" Jackie sang with Goku beside him. "I'M A JUMPIN' AND A RUNNIN' AND THAT'S NO LIE! IF I STAY IN ONE PLACE THAN IMMA GONNA DIE!"

Launch glanced at the announcer. "Ya gotta let me stop this."

The announcer looked at the dog, and the dog said "Woof."

"You may begin!" the announcer said, his natural voice drowned out by the microphone enhanced contestant.

"A BUM BUM BUM! A DEE DEE DEE! A MARTIAL ARTISTS' LIFE IS THE ONLY LIFE FOR ME!" Jackie Chun sang obliviously, "I SAID A MARTIAL ARTISTS' LIFE IS THE ONLY LIFE FOR MEEEEEE!!!!!~~~~" Jackie Chun sang that last note, and opened his eyes, and was just in time to see Launch's fist coming to meet him.

Dazed, he dropped the microphone, which she caught, and in an instant the spell on Goku was broken and instead of a sleepdancer he was a little boy who had passed out from pain and a still healing injury, so she picked him up too, handing him to a floating Gine with one hand, despite the protests of the announcer, Monk and other staff. As Gine headed inside to place her glowy hands on Goku and Ranfan, to further protests from staff about how she wasn't supposed to be back there, Launch distracted the announcer by handing him his mic.

"And I like JACKING PLANES and ROBBING BANKS!" she said into the microphone, leaning down towards it, to get her own word in as she turned towards Jackie Chun, the old man covering a growing shiner around his eye she was proud to have given, and she grinned and got into a stance.

"Not very sporting," the man finally said, and the announcer interjected with a huff.

"Lucky I don't get you thrown out for theft," the announcer said, and Jackie glanced at him, then shrugged sheepishly.

"I was holdin' back, and fair's fair, you can give me one too," Launch said, and in an instant Jackie's eyes flashed and he thrust a hand toward her from the opposite side of the arena, and Launch was thrown backwards, gaping, as she saw the grass coming towards her. She growled, and made a decision, as she did what she needed to do. 

She blinked, how had she gotten here, she thought, her blue hair flowing past her, before suddenly she reached inward, thrusting her hands towards the ground and  _pushing_  and to her surprise, she was back in the ring, on her rump, with something wiggly under it.

She squealed when that something  _squeezed_ her and jumped to her feet, whirling to face her opponent, who was grinning lecherously and giggling in a "Heh heh HEH!" manner she found strangely _familiar_.

Suddenly, Jackie Chun seemed to get a lot more serious, crossing his arms behind his back. "So I see you've learned the kiai technique." Then, the old man blinked. "And you changed without a sneeze!?"

Launch blinked. She didn't know what a "kiai" was, she didn't yell, but, more importantly; "How do you know about my sneezes?"

"URK—!"

Jackie charged and swung a chop at her neck, and nodded in satisfaction when she went down.

He turned to walk out of the ring, and was about to tell the announcer to start the ten-count, when a pair of arms wrapped around his leg.

He looked down, and saw blonde Launch smirking up at him. "Where ya goin' Old Timer? Why didn't'cha answer my question?"

Jackie yelped when Launch pulled his foot out from under him, then when he was falling he scissored his other leg and kicked, forcing her to let go in order to dodge, and letting him roll back to his feet when he fell to the floor.

"I see I am facing a very persistent pair of young ladies," Jackie Chun commented.

"No, yer facin' ME!" Launch cried, face red with anger, as she sprung towards him, and collided into his outheld fist with her throat.

She fell back, and her hair turned blue, and as she landed on the ground the old man raised his foot above his head and then  swung his leg down in an axe blow to her stomach, crumpling her around it, turning her hair blonde again.

This time, Launch seemed a little disoriented, so Jackie chun slid his shoe under her torso, and simply rolled her off the ring and to the ground.

"Jackie Chun wins by ring-out!"

Launch sat up, stared at Jackie Chun's retreating back, then huffed and pushed herself to her feet. "I'll just mug 'im after, yeah, that's what I'll do," she mumbled to herself as she stalked towards the waiting area, stopping to put a hand on Krillin's shoulder as he passed by.

"Launch?" Krillin asked, looking up at her, blushing at her, the kid had it  _bad,_ but he  _meant_ well, as far as she could tell, so she wouldn't hold it against him. Much.

"Good luck, kiddo," she told him, smirking and giving a thumbs up, while she went to lean next to Goku. That Ranfan lady still next to him mentioned something about jewelry earlier, if she could keep an eye on her, (and if she didn't sneeze, forcing her other, poorer half to the front instead of willingly handing off control) that'd prob'ly make a decent consolation prize.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Krillin faced Nam and bowed, deeply.

As Nam bowed back, and Gine floated back to her spot in the crowd, settling on her feet, she found her mind drifting, and was suddenly struck by how  _serious_ this Nam's energy felt.

Roshi, meanwhile, frowned and felt a bit guilty. Maybe he should have started teaching his students when to  _lose_ a fight, he thought, as he looked through the memories of pain, misery, starvation and thirst. Even if it _wasn't_ necessary for the water, the prize money probably couldn't _hurt_ the village, they were in pretty dire straits.

As the sunlight reflected off the back of Krillin's shiny head and into Bulma's eyes, she scowled, then blinked, checked her watch, looked at the horizon, then shrugged and reached into her pocket as she made a decision.

"Hey, Gine," she called, and when she looked over Bulma tossed a capsule, revealing a box which, when opened, revealed more of the 'sports bra' things like Tights had shared with her. Gine glanced at the match, where her bald son prepared to fight bravely and selfishly against a young man who fought bravely and selflessly, the two circling around each other, throwing jabs and kicks to test the other,  each blow blocked, and then she looked back at Bulma, as if to ask if she was really being serious right now. She immediately looked back to the fight as Krillin charged Nam and delivered a kick to the head, knocking him closer to the arena's corners, then looked askance again at Bulma. Bulma just grinned. "I actually got your measurements while you slept on our quest," she said, and Gine was pretty sure if she was an Earthling she'd be more upset by that. "And I reverse engineered your armor—"

Gine actually _was_  upset by this. " _YOU_ stole it!?" she realized. "I looked everywhere, I thought we lost it in the river!"

Brief frowned. "Sweety, there's a reason we got the license from those Galactic Patrol people, we can't just go reverse-engineering alien tech willy-nilly."

Bulma rolled her eyes, and Gine was distracted from the conversation between scientists when, from the corner of her eye, she saw Nam doing a dive-kick from the air, but Krillin easily avoided it, so she relaxed. "I'm not going to sell it on Earth, dad," Bulma said, "So there's no problem with selling the work as my own when it isn't. I'm just going to use it for personal purposes because it's _useful_." She pulled out a few other capsules to show to Gine, but didn't open them, and she indicated which one she referred to as she said "This one has some more shorts like the kind Goku wears, plus boots," and then she lifted the capsule in the other hand, "And this one has leggings and boots like yours. I was able to get both colors, blue and black, I didn't know your preference."

"You didn't make any bikinis or other swimwear did ya?" Panchy asked. "I think Giney needs a cute set!"

"My name is Gine," Gine said automatically as she pulled out one of the 'sports bras' from the box Bulma had given her, open as it was on the brick wall surrounding the arena. "Why're you giving this to me now?" she asked, thinking of those public indecency laws she'd heard about. She wasn't a competitor, so...

"Figured you might need them for tonight," Bulma suggested, "Depending on how late this goes," and Gine did the math in her head and it  _had_ been around a month. Shit. She rushed, instantly in a hurry, undoing the tie with one hand, and undoing her belt and suspenders with the other, then going down to the buttons and zipper and laces, trying to get the nice suit off of her body as quickly as possible with her superhuman speed without also damaging it any. She quickly snatched the capsule Bulma had indicated for the leggings and opened it, pulling off her pants and current pair of leggings at the same time because she's worn the latter for  _12 years_  as she shrugged out of the shirt, and only stopped to think about what she was doing when there was a high-pitched shriek.

She blinked, wearing nothing, with the sports bra in one hand and the new pair of leggings in the other, as Nam stared at her, pink-faced. Gine noticed people were staring at her, started to feel a little embarrassed and uncomfortable, and bolted, vanishing and reappearing in an instant that made her seem like a blur, returning with the leggings (still black, she noticed for the first time, like the sports bra she'd picked, she hadn't cared about them matching but she supposed it was lucky they did,) on and pulled up to her waist, hiding her bottom half from view, and the bra secured over her top half.

"You don't wear _panties!?"_ Chi-Chi hissed at her, and Gine blinked, confused, and looked at Panchy, smiling serenely and folding all the parts of the suit Gine had handed her, before putting them back in the box and then capsule for safe storage. Panchy was her friend, Gine didn't _wear_ her. Although, she did wear her  _out_  around her tongue that one time—

"Hey!"

Krillin was glaring at them. "Pay attention to the match!"

Nam seized the opportunity and sprung forward and gave a pair of sweeping chops to Krillin's skull, only for them to slip and practically glide over the shiny, slippery smoothness of Krillin's shaved and waxed head.

Krillin grinned, then dove between the older man's legs and turned and kicked him in the backside, into the air. He jumped and kicked him again, higher, then when he landed he jumped higher, and brought his hands together to slam Nam down to the ground, only to be intercepted by Nam's guard. Krillin blinked, as he realized Nam was,  _smiling_ _?_

"Thank you, my friend, but I'm very sorry," Nam said, then  _smirked_ and crossed his arms over his chest. "NAMU AMIDA BUTSU!!! CROSSED STRIKE OF HEAVEN!"

Nam plowed into Krillin, his crossed elbows on both of the boy's collarbones, and immediately started coming down, towards the ring, so fast the air around them seemed to vibrate and shift, heating up, and forming a cone around them.

With a CRASH the two collided into the arena floor, sending dust and bits of tile up in a cloud, and if Gine couldn't sense Krillin's energy now she knew she'd be panicking.

...She couldn't tell if he was winning or losing, but he was  _alive_ _,_ anyway, so, nothing she was worried or cared about.

She shouldn't think that way, though, she thought. This was important to him, so it had to be important to her. She ignored his energy, and pushed it out of mind, instead calling out "Come on Krillin! You can do it!" in a loud voice.

"You care about him a lot," Panchy said, leaning against her again, and Gine smiled and nodded, watching as the dust cleared and Nam shakily got to his feet. Krillin was on the ground, dazed.

"You wanna adopt 'im?" Brief asked, and she blinked, and realized there were few things in the world she wanted more, so she vigorously nodded her head. Brief smiled and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I'll send a lawyer to help you with that right after the tournament, do you know where he was born and registered?"

Gine frowned. "He was a monk, without any family," she said, and the pair at her sides nodded encouragingly, and Gine felt a little embarrassed, they could probably tell by the incense burn marks, so she tried to remember, "I think he said he's from, Orin Temple?"

Panchy nodded. "Okay, that's connected to East City, where you guys lived, good!"

Gine blinked. "But we never lived in East City."

"You lived in the East District, though," Brief explained. "East City's the capital of the region."

Gine blinked. "But, I thought there were 43 districts—"

"My lawyer will take care of it," Brief said, kissing her on the cheek.

"8!" the announcer called, and Nam bowed his head in prayer.

"9!" the announcer called right as Krillin jumped to his feet and shook his head.

Nam just gaped. "It should have taken you ten days to recover from that strike!"

Krillin shrugged. "Sorry?"

Nam stared. "I know for a fact that I did the technique perfectly. I have nothing left in me. But I must try!"

Krillin sighed, "Okay, fine, but first, HEY!" He called to the announcer, "Is it okay if my mom can get my opponent and me a drink of water from one of the city's free wells? He's looking kinda parched."

Gine teared up. He'd called her 'mom'!

"The water's  _free!?_ " Nam cried.

Gine nodded, she was an  _alien_  and she knew that much. "Um, yes? This island's wells and water supply are all free to use."

Nam turned around and started to head out of the ring. "I forfeit," he said numbly.

"THE MATCH IS FINISHED! KRILLIN WINS!" the announcer said, rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses.

 _Uh, hey, you mind helpin' me with somethin'_ Roshi asked Gine in her mind, as she sensed Roshi's energy approaching Nam's backstage as the crowed cheered for Goku and Yamcha heading through the temple gates to begin their match.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Goku grinned. "I've been looking forward to this rematch, y'know?"

Yamcha grinned back. "Same here. No desert, no interruptions, just a chance to settle the score, once and for all."

"I've been training a lot since last time," Goku told him.

"Heh! Same here, man!"

"Are you ready!?" Both fighters nodded. "Begin!"

Both charged at each other, then yelped, tripped, and skidded across the tile headfirst into each other when the announcer ran back onto the ring yelling "WAIT!"

"Er, sorry, it's just. It's not every day we get contestants this young into the finals. You mind if I ask you a few questions, Mr. Mago Gosora?"

"It's Son Goku, and, sure??? What about my friend Krillin?"

"Sure, I was going to anyway, I mean, are you alright with this, Mr. Yamcha?"

Yamcha shrugged. "No, it's fine, Goku's a great kid."

The announcer blinked, as Krillin ran back on stage. "You all knew each other before the tournament?"

Krillin blinked when he was offered the Mic. "Uh, Goku and Yamcha did, I only knew Goku and Launch."

The announcer leaned back down to the Microphone, "Uh, does Ms. Launch wanna come on-stage as well?"

"NO! SCREW OFF!" a voice called from the fighters' lounge area.

"She's like that sometimes," Goku explained.

"Well," the announcer said, before pushing onward to his main question. "My main question is, how did boys so small get so strong!?"

"We've been training with Muten Roshi!" Goku explained, and the announcer gasped.

"You mean the Turtle Hermit!? The Invincible Old Master of Heaven!!!???"

"...I thought he was dead," the announcer said, and there was a loud crash from the green room.

"Jackie's alright ahehehHEH!" a slightly slurred voice called from that direction.

"Are you his only students?"

"No, Launch is training with him too! And my fiance Chi-Chi, and my Mom!"

"Oh, so you're engaged," the announcer said, waggling his eyebrows, "When's the big day loverboy?"

Goku shrugged. "I dunno, six years maybe seven? That sound good Chi-Chi?" he yelled, cupping his hands and yelling towards where she sat on her father's head by the audience wall.

"Seems like a long engagement, any reason?"

"Well, we're only 12," Goku explained.

Gine blinked from her new position in the audience, as she thought of something for the first time, because, if Earthlings counted ages from the day they were born, instead of including gestation time, would that mean she was actually 40? Or 39? She'd started counting Goku's age that way when they got here, and that was why he was 12 instead of 14 or 15, but she hadn't considered applying it to herself before now.

"Are your mother and Master Roshi watching you?"

Krillin frowned, scanning the crowd. "I mean, I  _thought_ he was."

Goku looked too. "Huh, I thought mom was right there!" he pointed towards Ox-King and Chi-Chi and Panchy and Brief and Bulma and Puar, who all seemed to notice Gine's absence for the first time.

"OVER HERE!" Gine called, and everyone looked, and there she was, leaning on Muten Roshi, his signature beard, sunglasses, and colorful floral shirt in the crowd, his dark-skin covered in kiss marks. He grinned, let off his signature "ahehehhehHEH!" laugh and held up his hands in a 'V'-shaped peace sign, which Gine mimicked, leaning her face next to his and grinning.

Gine wasn't actually wearing any lipstick, which she thought hurt the illusion, but whatever.

If you asked her why she went along with it as much as she had, she wouldn't be able to tell you, except that in this position, leaning on him, she could wrap her arms around Nam, and for some reason she'd thought he looked like he wanted or needed a hug earlier. "Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable," she whispered, ducking behind his head, where she could see the reddened tips of his ears.

"I have to repay the kindness shown to me," he murmured, the movement of his lips obscured by the fake beard, as he fingered a capsule full of water in his breast pocket.

"How long have you been training with the Turtle School?" the announcer asked, supposing that if they'd been trained since birth then maybe—

"Eight months."

"EIGHT MONTHS!? You two must have learned a lot in that time," the announcer stammered out.

"We're just lucky Goku's mom's not competing," Krillin muttered, but into the microphone so everyone still heard him, making him wince at the realization.

"Yeah, mom would win _way_ too easily," Goku said loudly, making everyone stare at Gine, which in turn made her incredibly uncomfortable at the attention.

"Hey, where'd Master Roshi go?" Yamcha asked, at the sudden disappearance of the dark-skinned Roshi.

"To the bathroom!" Roshi's voice called, as Gine pressed a button on the strange device he'd given her. She wasn't sure why he had it, when he'd had the time to prepare or record all the sounds, but she did know she was never giving it back, and she would mess with him  _so_ hard when this was over.

"Woof," the head monk said, sternly, making the announcer gulp.

"Er, sorry, folks, that's all the time we've got for an interview for now!"

Krillin yelped and ran off stage, and Goku and Yamcha nodded and got back into their stances. "Ready!? BEGIN!!!"

Goku punched up towards Yamcha's face and he caught it and pushed the hand away and clawed for Goku's eyes making him rear back, letting Yamcha sweep at Goku's legs with a kick, knocking Goku off-balance and fall...

...To stand on his tail!? Goku bounced on the additional limb, rocking back and forth, before he sprung off of it to kick at Yamcha's face. Yamcha dodged the first kick, blocked a punch from Goku, and when Goku swiped at Yamcha with his tail, Yamcha grabbed it and slammed Goku face-first into the floor with it, only for Goku to wrap the tail around Yamcha's arm and blindly flail with a backhand that connected with Yamcha's mouth!

"Ack!" Yamcha reeled back and let go of Goku, clutching his face, letting Goku get to his feet and start spinning around and around until he was moving around the ring in a blur like a top. Yamcha dodged away and around from Goku, still holding his face, but he didn't need to keep it up for very long because Goku immediately stopped and stumbled around, dizzy.

"WOLF FANG FIST!" Yamcha cried, striking Goku across the face, chest and sides what seemed like all at once, before putting a kick into the boy's solar plexus and sending him straight _through_ the wall of the temple.

Goku groaned and staggered out of the rubble right away, then grinned and rushed forward before stumbling, seemingly unsteady on his feet. Yamcha brought up a knee and kicked at Goku's head, but the boy ducked under it and brought his fist right into Yamcha's stomach, with a loud cry of "ROCK!"

Yamcha groaned, did Goku hit him in the—

"Scissors!" Goku cried and put both fingers into Yamcha's face, making him yelp when he felt them _poke_  at his _eyes!_

Goku grinned as Yamcha stumbled back, then jumped forward and brought the flat of his palm against the already swelling cheek Goku had struck earlier. "PAPER!" Goku yelled triumphantly, sending Yamcha flying with a loud 'SMACK!' right off the ring, and to the grass, a wave of fast-moving wind blowing past, emanating from where the blow struck, and startling the audience .

Jackie Chun stared wide-eyed.  _Did he figure out Kiai just by seeing it from me and **LAUNCH**_ _ **!?**_

...He _still_ needed to figure out how Blue-Haired Launch had done it, but that was a question for another time.

"THE WINNER IS GOKU!"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Krillin and Jackie Chun stood facing each other, the crowd cheering, even as the looks on their faces were hardened and serious.

"BEGIN!"

"HAAAA-AAAAHHH!!!!!"

'Jackie Chun's' face didn't change, but his mental voice definitely had a touch of smugness in it. _Watch this—_

 _So, hey,_ Gine thought back at him,  _Why did you want me to do that with Mr. Nam? It doesn't really make sense to me._

Jackie made to spring back on his hands, but he seemingly wasn't expecting the sudden response from her, making him take a second longer, and Krillin's opening punch got closer than he expected. Gine just smiled to herself.

 _I mean, I get that you wanted people to think that we're having sex,_ she informed him, surprising him as always with how blunt she was about the topic,  _even though we're not and aren't going to,_ and this time when Krillin delivered a series of kicks with one leg, Jackie Chun had a harder time avoiding each one as he had to  _think_ about them all, while also letting the 'conversation' run through his mind.

_But, like, why do you care if people think that!?_

Krillin jumped and delivered a kick to Jackie's head, but he ducked under it easily.

Until, that is, Krillin landed and delivered a punch to his crouching head, forcing him to lean back.

_I mean, you're in disguise right now. You aren't taking credit for your victories in battle. That's way more important, isn't it?_

_I guess you didn't have any players or playboys where you come from, didya,_ he thought, while aloud he said, after catching Krillin's next punch, "You've got some _power_ behind those punches! Not too bad!"

 _We didn't assign social status based on how many sexual partners we had, no,_ Gine thought.  _Our strength and victories in combat were infinitely more important._

 _It wouldn't have made sense, anyway,_ she mused, distracting him from his next move as he tried to come up with it, something impressive and cool.  _We all had multiple sexual partners except for the royal bloodline._

 _You and the hubby had an open marriage then? Nice,_ he thought off-handedly and casually, while he said aloud, "Now let's check your speed," to Krillin, as he took a stance, his arms bent, one in front of him and the other behind, both with the palms facing inward, the fingers pointed towards the floor.

He moved forward and to most he seemed to just gently move his front arm towards Krillin, but Gine and Roshi could both see the instant the movement became a punch into Krillin's. Nostril holes? There was no actual nose, but blood was coming out from  _somewhere_ above his mouth now. Either way, Krillin flew back, landing against the wall of the temple.

"Ow! That hit! I, I didn't even  _see_ it!"

 Jackie Chun simply stood still and calm as Krillin lay there, groaning. "How can I beat him, if I can't even see him," Krillin bemoaned, until Goku called out from his spot on top of the wall.

"He's fast, but so are you! I saw it, and so can you! Just look _really_ close!"

"But Goku..." Krillin stared up, but nodded, and got back to his feet and approached his opponent.

"Look who's back," Jackie Chun said then got into his stance again and smirked. "That was a slow punch. How about it? You wanna try one of my fast ones?"

 _I hope he's bluffing..._ Krillin thought to himself.  _Or I'm a goner!_

Jackie Chun yelled "HAH!" and moved to strike, and Krillin cried "I see it!" as both moved towards each other to attack, and then, from the perspective of the audience, both were on opposite sides of the arena from where they started.

"Mmm. Very impressive," Jackie Chun congratulated.

"I knew you could do it Krillin!" Goku called over.

"I dunno about you folks, but that was a blur to me!" the announcer said. "Now THAT'S what I call speed!"

"It's rare that I can find a fighter who can keep up with my movements," Jackie Chun noted.

"It comes natural," Krillin boasted, "I was trained by the invincible old master!"

"Well," 'Jackie' said behind a grin,"Let's see if your 'Master' prepared you to get through _this_!"

"HYAH!" "HYAH!" the two charged at each other, and there was a rush of air and movement, and their voices sounding almost comically sped up grunting and maybe even _talking?_  Then, in a flash, the two stood on opposite sides of the ring once again, facing away, until Krillin collapsed onto his face.

"Krillin is down! And, er, I'm told we have to start counting! One... T-TWO... THREE..."

"Krillin, you can do it sweetie!" Gine called out, and Goku nodded from his place by the gate. "Get up! Krillin, I believe in you!"

"Five... Six... Seven..." Krillin's fingers twitched, and finally his arms braced themselves to his sides and bent, pushing his face off the tile. "Eight..."

Krillin groaned, and grunted, but he pushed himself back up to his feet just as the announcer said "Nine. "

"Er, nevermind! He's back on his feet!" the announcer cried, while Krillin held the back of his head and groaned.

"YAAAAY! Go Krillin! Go get 'im!" Goku called out.

 Jackie Chun smiled slightly to himself, but went cross-eyed when the microphone was suddenly in front of his nose. "Uh, sorry," the announcer mumbled, "But that was just  _way_ too fast for me. Could you explain what just happened for the audience?"

 "Hmm? Oh, well, yes, why not? The fans paid good money for their tickets, they do have a right to know..."

"Great! Thank you very much, Jackie."

Roshi took a stance like a lunge, with his arms to the sides, "This is how I started my attack, with a HI-YA!" He continued stepping forward, still with arms outstretched outward, as he continued the explanation. "Then Krillin countered with his own attack!" Krillin started stepping forward slowly with his arms to his sides as well, yelling out as he did so.

"I see," the announcer nodded, entranced, "How interesting."

"Then, I attempted a kick, WWWWAAAAA!" Jackie raised his leg slowly, Krillin took over.

"But I saw the kick coming, so I dodged it." He ducked under Jackie's still lifted leg. "Then, I countered by going at his face with a punch," and to demonstrate he moved towards Jackie with fist raised.

"Pfft, pfft pfft!" "Yuck, he spit at me," Krillin continued explaining, glowering at the old man, "I was so surprised that I pulled my punch back."

"While he was busy dodging my spit," Jackie said, "I came at him with a hard left, like this!"

Then something came out of Krillin's face and he explained, "But I snorted out some boogers to counter his spit!"

The announcer gasped in shock. "Germ warfare! Sounds like things got ugly quick!"

Jackie Chun nodded and stood upright, stroking his beard. "I knew that I needed a strategy, and fast!"

"This all took about point two seconds, by the way," Krillin reminded the audience.

"Hey, let's do Rock-Paper-Scissors!" Jackie said, with his fist raised in rock, while Krillin looked up in shock.

"What! Okay, fine!" Krillin said looking at Jackie, before turning back to the audience. "I shouldn't have caved so quickly, I realize now."

"One! Two! Three!" they extended their hands, Jackie with two fingers in 'scissors' and Krillin's hand flat like paper. Krillin groaned.

"Look over there!" Jackie suddenly cried, pointing with a finger, and Krillin sighed.

"I shouldn't have looked, it was so  _obvious_ ly a trick!"

Jackie nodded. "Then I jumped..."

"Um, hey, can you pick me u-U-UUUUP!?"

He yelped, interrupted by Gine suddenly appearing on stage and holding him by the hip and armpit. "You're too heavy for that nice man to carry you," she chided gently, while the announcer seemed to be about to protest before deciding he didn't care either way.

"Well, a jump scene would have been okay..." the announcer said.

"A-anyway," Jackie seemed a little flustered, and for a moment Gine seemed to be smirking at his discomfort, before her face smoothed into pleasant passivity. "I jumped up and kicked him! Haaa!"

His foot collided with the back of Krillin's head, and he made to move to fall, but stayed in place and balanced. "Uh, hey, could you pick me up maybe?" Krillin asked the announcer, who blinked and then scrambled over to grab the boy around the chest.

"You landed about here," Gine said, carrying Jackie over to land in his stance once again.

"I landed perfectly!" Jackie crowed, while Gine rolled her eyes slightly.

"I started doing a flip!" Krillin said, "When he kicked me," he explained, in the announcer's arms held above the ground. "Uh, you can put me down now."

"Sorry!"

"Since I hit my head I couldn't see straight, but I still landed fine," Krillin took a stance then stood back up. "I couldn't keep it together though, so that's when I fell over."

"Right, we saw that part," the announcer said. "All this happened in that brief instant!?"

"Mmhmm!" Krillin, Roshi and Gine nodded.

"Can you  believe the incredible talents of these fighters!? Yessir, this is a match for the ages folks! Sorry for interrupting the fight, gentlemen! Please continue!"

"Uh oh!" Krillin and Jackie Chun both got back into their stances across from each other, and Gine hopped out of the ring, but found her spot in the crowd was taken. With a shrug, she floated over the wall of the arena, then blinked, and called out, "Hey, Nimbus!"

The cloud appeared in a moment, and she grinned and laid on her front on it, so she could be relaxed, ( _lazy_ , even,) and still watch the match.

The match that was dragging on for too long, and was founded on a pointless deception that she was ashamed of having contributed to. Well, nothing else for it, then.

"Krillin!" she called. "Use your ultimate technique!"

 _What!?_ Roshi yelled at her in her mind,  _What have you been teaching him!?_

 _I **know** it'll work on **you** ,_ she teased.

Krillin blinked, then shrugged. Alright, then, he thought, reaching into his gi and pulling out a pair of panties that he threw onto the ground.

Immediately, Jackie Chun grinned dumbly and started cackling and leapt at the undergarments, only to be met with Krillin's foot in his face.

Gine, for her part, winced, as over their still active telepathic communication she was suddenly bombarded with images from the old man's mind, of  _herself_ in the strange Earthling article, which strangely looked remarkably like a part of the uniform of an elite warrior, except...  _Where would I put my tail,_ she couldn't help but wonder, as Roshi tumbled end-over-end through the air.

"Yeah!" Goku cried loudly, while Gine just shook her head.

"I won!" Krillin cheered.

"It truly is a pathetic loss for Jackie Chun, but there's nothing he can do at this stage!" The announcer said.

Roshi scowled. "Nothin' for it then. KA ME!"

Suddenly, an image of Gine appeared through their mental link, in a bed, looking up at him with her eyes hooded, lashes fluttering, her clothes gone, her legs spread and—  _HOW ARE YOU EVEN STILL ON THAT CLOUD THINKIN' THINGS LIKE **THAT!?**_   "HA! ME!"

 _Please give up,_ _I'll do **anything** , _she started to think, and he had to burn all his porn now, he didn't know when she'd had the time to even see it, much less develop such perfect telepathic mimicry, but it was all just  _ruined_ now. _ **"HAAAAAAA!"**_

He flew backwards and turned his momentum into a flip, landing on his feet and bowing at Krillin with a smirk on his face, panties in hand. "Thank you very much," Jackie Chun said cheerfully.

Gine just mentally shrugged, but Roshi already knew how to get back at her.  _Might've been a more tempting offer if you shaved more,_ he replied conversationally, idly noting the various shocked reactions around him.

Most importantly, he focused on the way Gine rubbed her jaw, waiting with a devious smirk for his meaning to sink into her.

"What the hell!" Krillin cried.

"That was the Kamehameha!" Goku and Bulma and Yamcha yelled.

"What!?" Krillin demanded, "But that's impossible!"

"Amazing! Only one man alive can do the Kamehameha!—"

"I can do it!" Launch yelled, poking her blue head of hair up above the wall.

"Me too!" Goku said next to her.

 _It's actually a really easy, simple technique, which is really the best part about it, because it lets you control it and put more power into it than anything I've ever seen,_  Gine thought at 'Jackie', followed by  _And my face is perfectly smooth still, and you don't like bald women, and the only other hair on my body in this form is—_

Roshi grinned to himself at the moment of realization.

"WHY WOULD YOU SHAVE  _THERE!?_ " she suddenly screeched out loud, startling everyone in the audience from her position on a cloud.

"Uh, miss, you're causing a scene..."

"BEAT HIM KRILLIN!" Goku yelled over his mom's weird freak-out, and Krillin just nodded, already basically numb to any further weirdness from the two.

"Thanks for the advice," he still grumbled, because seriously, what kind of advice was that!?

"That was a good trick you pulled on me," Jackie Chun said seriously, raising his palms to his chest level. "If I was an ordinary man, you would have won."

Krillin scowled. "Nothing for it then. RAAAAAAAGH!" he yelled, charging head-first.

Jackie Chun shook his head. "Foolish. Attacking wildly is just what your opponent wants," he chided, jumping just in time for Krillin to crash into the pillar, bringing it and the arch down on top of him.

"Although," Jackie Chun teased, "At least you're still using your head! Aheh _HEH_!"

"SHUT UP!" Krillin charged at Jackie, with his fist pulled back, but just as he struck he  _went right through—_

"KRILLIN! LOOK OUT!"

"Huh— URK!"

Krillin was down, Jackie Chun standing behind him after delivering two chops to the neck.

"Krillin is down again! One! Two! Thr—"

"Save your breath," Jackie muttered, walking through the gate to return backstage, "He won't be getting up for a while."

"Hey," Gine said, landing, "I'm Krillin's mother, he's down, can I just take him now?"

The announcer blinked, and glanced at her and the downed monk. "You don't really look very similar..."

"Woof."

"Uh, I mean, sure you can! JACKIE CHUN WINS FOLKS!"

 

 "The boy needs more training," Jackie Chun said backstage, afterwards.

"You are so obviously Master Roshi it isn't funny," Yamcha said with his arms crossed.

"Hmm?" Jackie said. "I thought we went over this already."

"But we saw Master Roshi earlier," Goku reminded, "With mom, the only girl person that can touch him or be near him without being mad usually. And besides Jackie Chun not being bald, and not smelling like Roshi, mom can sense people's energy now, and would always know who is who! And besides, even if he  _were_ Master Roshi, he's' still a  _lot_ weaker than Mama, and you _definitely_ are," he said, making Jackie Chun face-fault.

"Will our contestants Jackie Chun and Sun Wukong return for the Final Match!?"

Goku ran out the gate with a whoop, while Jackie followed more sedately.

 _Y'know,_  Jackie thought at Gine up on the Nimbus, _even if you did shave, I dunno if you've heard Turtle mention it, but my code as a martial artist doesn't allow me to date._

 _I wasn't really offering, just trying to distract you in a way I thought_ _would_ — Gine blinked, cutting herself off mid-thought. _...Okay, we didn't really have 'dating' in space, but I don't think it includes sex???_

 _My definition does,_ Roshi thought at her.

_But, but, wait, even if I'm to understand that all of your **awful**  behavior with obsessing over and commenting on and harassing people about the unnecessary clothes under other clothes, and the chest fat, and everything else, is all supposedly about sex, EVEN THOUGH  **NONE** OF THOSE THINGS HAVE  **ANYTHING** TO WITH WITH SEX, w-w- **why** do you still **do** all of it if you're not going to follow through on the actual sex part!?!?!?!?!?_

Jackie Chun just grinned, as Son Gine worked herself into a confused frenzy in the back of his mind.

Gohan was right, messing with young'uns like this  _was_ fun.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 "IT IS NOW THE FINAL MATCH OF OUR TENKA'ICHI BUDŌKAI! IS EVERYONE READY!?"

Goku and Jackie Chun nodded, and the crowd  _roared_ with cheers.

"Do our finalists have any last words or comments?" the announcer asked, only to be ignored in favor of Goku's stretches, and Jackie standing stock-still with his eyes closed.

Gine frowned atop her Nimbus Cloud.  _...I really don't think you understand my son,_ she thought at the old master, calmed down, in one last attempt to get through, only to blink as her thoughts seemed to effectively just bounce off of him.

"Hold nothing back, lad," the Master told the student.

The student grinned. "You said it," Goku replied.

"BEGIN!"

Chun immediately charged forward, seeking a quick victory, and passed right under Goku as the monkey-boy leapt over him into the air. Jackie grunted and looked back, seeing Goku in the air, and immediately kicked off the tile and flipped backwards to face his foe, extending his leg in a kick. Goku turned his head and his eyes widened in shock as he saw the blow coming, but was unable to stop the strike from landing in the small of his back, sending him flying away from the arena with his arms waving, trying to regain some control mid-air.

Jackie landed immdiately, and watched as Goku soared away with a satisfied expression.

"Oh no!" Yamcha cried. "Out already!?"

Jackie Chun quirked an eyebrow. "Foolish boy," he muttered to himself, "if I've told him once I've told him a thousand times! Never let your guard down." He shook his head and tutted to himself. "I never expected to win this easily though!" he crowed for the audience, holding his hands up in a pair of peace signs.

Goku put his hand to his chin and crossed his legs as he fell through the air, thinking to himself, wondering what he should do.

"W-well, that was fast! Our winner is Jackie Chun! Give it up for the old-timer! Each victory of his seems more effortless than the last!"

Jackie shrugged. "Well, I don't wanna brag, but..."

"HEY!"

Jackie turned and his eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw Goku flying back, tail spinning like a helicopter's blades from his backside and seemingly carrying him through the air.

Bulma and her father frowned at the sight. "Remind me to calculate the physics on that," she muttered half to herself.

"Oh," Jackie groaned to himself, "spare me." Goku stuck his tongue out, and Jackie growled. "You were out, you lucky little monkey!"

"Uh, Goku never touched out of bounds, so..." the announcer's mouth snapped shut at the glare he received.

"I was gonna use a Kamehameha to get back like you did earlier," Goku explained, "but I thought it'd be better to save it for later."

Jackie growled. "Don't kid yourself!" he scoffed. "You couldn't hope to blast a Kamehameha  _half_ as strong as mine!"

"Can so!" Goku shot back.

"Hmph, the arrogance!" Jackie Chun shook his head, then crouched down and cupped his hands to his side. "Are you so sure of your Kamehameha that you'd try one against me? The man who invented them!?"

Goku cupped his hands to the side and mimicked the master's stance, even as his face took on an expression of confusion. "You invented?" he asked. "I thought the Kamehameha was Master Roshi's move."

There was an audible silence as 'Jackie Chun's' brain seemed to short-circuit for a moment. "I-I mean, of course it is!" he finally stammered out. "Y-Yeah, of course Roshi did it first, how silly of me, hehhehHEH!" Jackie Chun said, verbally covering his own ass.

"But you just said you invented it," Goku pointed out.

"URK!"

 _I raised a smart boy,_ Gine thought proudly.

_Didn't Gohan mention something about him hitting his head and getting brain-damage?_

There was a feeling akin to a mental shrug. _Still smarter than **you.**_

Jackie snapped out of his thoughts irritably, only to pale as he realized that, in his distraction, Goku had actually already started charging!

"HA! ME!"

Jackie glared and sunk back into his stance, quickly gathering light into his hands. "Ka me ha me..." he muttered, trying to spit out the syllables quickly before he was overcome.

"HAAAAAA!!!!!"

"You little— **HHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!** "

The two beams collided and where they met expanded into a dome as they pushed against each other, until a bright flash and an explosive wave of force knocked them both back to land on their behinds on the tile.

Jackie gasped and panted, his eyes wide in shock, while across from him, Goku just giggled. "Hey! We're even! Isn't that cool!? Hahaha!"

"REMEMBER THIS DAY, FOLKS!" the announcer said. "THIS MAY BE A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE TO SEE TWO MASTERS OF THE LEGENDARY KAMEHAMEHA IN THE FLESH!!! BETWEEN JACKIE CHUN AND THE AMAZING,  _AMAZING_ SON GOKU, WHO KNOWS WHAT WE'LL SEE NEXT!? WHO WILL BE OUR STRONGEST UNDER THE HEAVENS!?"

Goku giggled aloud. "This is fun! What should we try next?"

Jackie Chun sneered. " _Fun_ is it!? Well, it's too bad playtime's over! HA!"

The old man vanished in a blur, leaving a semi-transparent version of himself where he'd been standing.

Goku blinked, surprised. "This again?" the boy wondered aloud. "You've done this trick already. Don't you know any others?" The after-image didn't respond, so Goku set about to figuring out the solution to this problem. "Well, lessee, which one's the real one..." Goku saw gray movement out of the corner of his eye, and whirled round and threw a punch! "Here! HYA—!"

—At Jackie Chun's afterimage, sticking his tongue out and making fun of him!

Goku was surprised at the turn of events, sure that he'd gone after the right one, so he didn't move as a shadow was cast over him from behind.

"I'm sorry, were you looking for me?"

Before Goku could react he was met with a kick from behind and sent flying into one of the temple posts, which cracked and collapsed around him, leaving him buried.

Yamcha, Krillin and Launch all reacted in surprise, Bulma and Chi-Chi cried out, and Gine frowned atop the Nimbus cloud. Jackie Chun just grinned smugly to himself. "The Double After-Image! Never fails," the man bragged, before he turned to the Announcer, who simply stood there slack-jawed. "Hey!" Jackie barked, "Don't you have a job to do?" Jackie demanded archly.

The announcer shook himself out of his shock. "Oh! Right! ONE!"

Jackie Chun grinned to himself. "If he gets up after **_that_** , I'll eat my shorts," the Master mused.

"TWO! THR—"

The rubble shifted and Goku pushed himself out of it, slightly dusty and wide-eyed with his tongue out like he'd tasted something nasty.

Jackie Chun gaped. "Oh," he moaned to himself, "I sure hope nobody heard me about the shorts..." he finally said.

 _...Do I even need to say anything?_ Gine thought at him.

Goku finished spitting out dust, then looked up at his opponent and grinned. "My turn!" he declared, before vanishing, leaving a blurred-out image of himself behind.

Jackie Chun just scoffed. "Monkey-see, monkey do, eh?!! Thinkin' you can use my own trick on me! It won't work!" He looked around, and took in the fact that a second Goku had appeared behind him. "Hmph! Just as I thought— a double after-image!" Jackie Chun grinned confidently. "I know right where to find you, HYAH!!" He threw a punch to his side, only for his eyes to bug out in surprise!! It was a fake Goku, in the air, sticking out his tongue at the old master!

"Here I am!"

Jackie Chun looked up, eyes agape, just in time for Goku to come falling on top of him, slamming both fists onto the top of the old man's skull, knocking him to the ground.

Goku grinned and held his arms up in victory. "The **_triple_** after-image!" he declared the technique, as all around them the crowd roared. Jackie clutched the top of his head and pushed himself back to his feet with one hand, and Goku just grinned obliviously all the while. "Did you like it?" Goku asked.

"New rule!" Jackie Chun scolded. "No hitting your teacher in the head!"

Goku looked surprised. "What do you mean?" he asked. "You're not my teacher. My teacher's Master Roshi."

_Like I said, smarter than you._

Jackie Chun just rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment and nervousness. "Heh! Of course!" the old man finally blurted out. "I knew that! I was just confused, proll'y from the blow to the head!"

Goku seemed to consider this, and frowned, his brow furrowed in visible thought. 'Jackie' twitched, increasingly anxious, feeling like he was on the verge of being caught-out.

"I'VE GOT IT!" Goku declared, "I've figured it out!" his words making 'Jackie' startle visibly, prepared to face the music.

"You're Master Roshi's brother!" Goku declared, proud of himself for managing to figure out the secret.

" _Huh?!?_ " Gine face-faulted so far forward she fell off the Nimbus, cracking the tiles of the arena as she plowed head-long into them.

"Uh, Miss, you're still not allowed to be up here during a match..."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Gine frowned, leaning on the wall, occasionally twitching as Panchy picked bits of rubble out of her hair, then relaxing when the other woman scratched her scalp. Chi-Chi was leaning on the wall next to her with her legs dangling; Gine wondered where the girl's father went, and as she thought this she felt the Ox-King's ki spike. Just as she was about to leap to the defense of the large man however, her extended senses realized that she felt Doctor Brief's much smaller ki signature immediately next to his, similarly excited, and that the two men were somewhere near the bathrooms. This realization made, Gine flushed slightly, and decided it was best to leave the two alone. Instead, Gine turned her focus back to the match, as Roshi tossed a piece of paper showing her son how Roshi was meant to be related to himself.

Her eyes narrowed as Roshi took a strange stance she didn't recognize, then she frowned when it relaxed into one she did, as his face instantly reddened, his eyes unfocused, and he started swaying on his feet and hiccuping.

Goku looked concerned and and relaxed his stance minutely. "What's the matter?" he asked his opponent. "You okay?"

"OH! AND JACKIE CHUN IS STUMBLING WILDLY ABOUT THE RING! EITHER HE'S A LITTLE PUNCH-DRUNK FROM THAT LAST BLOW TO THE HEAD, OR HE'S BEEN TAKING A FEW TOO MANY PULLS OFF THE OL' FLASK, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

Roshi staggered back into Goku, and as son asked if he was alright, and before she could call out a warning, the old man delivered a sharp hook to the top of the boy's head.

"Ow!" Goku cried out with his hands on his skull. "What'd you do that for!?"

Roshi continued to stagger back and forth, making Goku frown with his hands on his hips. "It doesn't feel right hitting a drunk," he muttered, just in time for Roshi's foot to extend behind-the-back in a kick to the boy's jaw.

Goku groaned and clutched and his face on the ground.

"Don't be fooled, Goku!" Yamcha cried out from the Temple wall, "That's—!"

"He's using the Sui-Ken, Goku!" Gine called, interrupting the former bandit. Yamcha blinked, then shrugged.

Goku's eyes widened in recognition. "Y'mean, like Drunken Boxing? Like Grandpa does? But how does this guy know it?"

 _Smart, is he?_ Roshi thought at Gine. Gine stuck her tongue out at him and pulled down her eyelid in response.

Goku flew forward in a kick, only for Roshi to swing wildly around and slam an elbow into the back of Goku's head.

"WHAT'S THIS!? IT SEEMS THERE MAY BE A METHOD TO JACKIE'S MADNESS AFTER ALL!"

"That's right errybody!! Do the Jackie!" the wizened martial artist yelled out as he started to... dance?

"...Then again," the announcer mused, "he may just be out of his gourd."

Goku charged forward again, only to receive a knee to the gut, sending him to his knees.

"Uh oh!" the announcer called out, "looks like Goku's having trouble staying on his feet!"

Roshi just chuckled. "Having trouble, Goku? Yes, it's hard to drunken box if you've never been drunk before!" The old man stumbled forward towards his unknowing student. "Last call!" he cooed. "E'rrybody go home! Time to shut 'er down!" before he could reach the boy, however, Goku ran off to the edge of the arena, making Roshi blink. "...Y'know I didn't mean that literally, right?" he found himself asking. As Roshi and the audience watched, Goku started shaking and tensing up, his breath hitching and heaving. Dangit, now Roshi was actually starting to _feel_ bad. "Are— are you _crying?_ " he asked incredulously.

Goku turned, and Roshi's breath caught before he let out a shrill shriek as the boy leaped on him with a snarl. Roshi raised his arms to defend, only to blink in befuddlement as Goku went right past him instead. "What?!" he started, only to be knocked forward on his face when Goku's foot connected with the back of his skull, sending him flying into the temple wall.

Roshi groaned as he picked his way out of the rubble. "I thought we agreed to no hitting on the head," he muttered.

Goku grinned and held up his fingers in a peace sign. "I call it the Kyō-Ken! Crazy fist!"

Roshi growled in his throat slightly. "You mixed up your words!" he barked. "'Kyō-Ken' means 'mad dog' you idjit!"

The announcer wiped some sweat off of his sunglasses. "Once again the tide of this championship bout has turned!" he shouted. "Goku's attacks have given him the advantage! It looks like Jackie Chun has an uphill battle to fight if he hopes to regain control!"

Roshi gritted his teeth. "Oh, I'm not out of this yet," he muttered. "In faaaact," he droned, slowing his words, "I've aleeeaaady woooooon!"

"What's this!?" the announcer cried. "Jackie Chun has just named himself the winner! But let's watch and see if he has the moves to back up his claim! Don't be surprised if this fighting master still has a few fearsome tricks up his sleeve!"

Roshi's hands danced through the air, and his eyes started to glow, while Goku stood frozen, watching, waiting to see what would happen next.

His attention was snapped away from his opponent however, when he heard his mom _say a bad word._

"Oh **_fuck."_**

Goku wondered what had gotten her to say such a thing, and found his gaze drawn to a shining white cratered disk just peaking over the treeline.

"Everyone get back!" Puar shouted before turning into a megaphone. "I repeat!" the cat yelled with an amplified voice "Everyone get away!"

Goku groaned and heard his mother do the same as muscles stretched and bones lengthened.

Roshi stared slackjawed at the two apes, because he'd heard stories and seen the aftermath, but had never managed to watch the change for himself. Gine had been hiding it from him, craftily.

Panchy stood back respectfully but with an appreciative look on her face, which seemed to disturb and upset Bulma, making her mutter about "perverts" even as she couldn't help but be, well, curious. Purely academically, _obviously_.

Chi-Chi and Krillin stared slack-jawed, and Chi-Chi yelped as the wall she had been sitting on started to crumble under Gine's increasing weight. Before anything could happen however, a rapidly growing palm reached out to her and grabbed her up, forcing her to sit on it as a platform even as it brought her up into the air until she was face-to-face with her much larger fiance, still in the ring but staring right at her, his eyes blood-red as his breath continued blowing in-and-out through an elongated snout.

 **_ "Chi-Chi..." _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I have no idea how this turned into King Kong at the end there.
> 
> Y'know, I don't think I'm very good at writing fight scenes. Probably not a great thing when writing for this fandom, or at least for this genre of this fandom. I'll be honest, what I _mostly_ wanna write for this AU is, like, a fucking metric shitload of fluff and character dynamic stuff, but I _do_ actually have, like, plot and series scene ideas in my head too. And I feel like doing the write-up of the plot to _get_ to the fluff is sorta necessary? Maybe? idk.
> 
> So, [this is the inspiration for Bacterian](https://unnounblr.tumblr.com/post/180413124212/imquitereadyforanotheradventure-apparently) in this chapter. Also SSVCloud's [The Three Eyed Turtle and the Murderous Monkey](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8738689/chapters/20035015), where Bacterian dies because of his poor hygiene. The only way to escalate past that was make him a zombie. I honestly didn't know what else to do with Bacterian. Does anyone _like_ Bacterian? I don't. But I felt like I had to get him out of the way.
> 
> The thing where Ox-King tries to get that suit back on Chi-Chi while she's changing out of it is like a thing where sometimes parents have kids that like to be naked in public and you have to get their clothes back on them?
> 
> ...Granted, they usually aren't 12-13 like Chi-Chi is here. That might make it seem a little more creepy, but. It's not my intent there at all? I'm paranoid AF and trying to justify my decisions here. I swear each of them made perfect sense at the time, but rereading it all after the fact, it seems a little sketch? I can't tell if it's #discourse that's made me more sensitive to this stuff or what.
> 
> The tournament finals went through, like so many different revisions. I knew I wanted Jackie to fight Launch, Krillin and Goku, in that order, and I wanted Goku and Yamcha to have a rematch at some point. Ranfan vs Yamcha and his maybe-not-entirely-overcome-girlphobia could have been funny, but so is budding-perv!Krillin and Confused!Son Goku. The joke of Nam is that in any other story he'd be the hero, but the fight junkies of Dragon Ball win the day. So, I think it'd be funny for him to lose to someone even more amoral/immoral than Goku? Which, in hindsight, could be Girran, but bandit!Yamcha and cheat!Krillin' came to mind first.
> 
> ...And then I basically glossed over most of the fight itself for dumb jokes about the audience. I am _bad_ at this. Doing so many fights in one chapter was probably a bad idea to begin with. Not that any of these chapters are consistent ~~except consistently BAD! Heyo!~~
> 
> So, after the cliffhanger, Red Ribbon Army is next, but sorta abridged and with some things skipped. I probably won't do the entire Red Ribbon arc at once, but. Well. Let's see.
> 
> # Important Business
> 
> So, uh, this is sorta awkward, probably shouldn't be here, but I haven't pretended to be professional or know what I'm doing so far, why start now! Anyway, I'm actually sorta bad at the pun names, and I kinda want some advice from internet comments!
> 
> Spoilers, but I sorta am planning on writing a Goku/Chi-Chi fankid OC in here! Not now, obviously, when we get to the "Z" portion. A daughter in my head, so far, and I have no idea what to name them! I sorta always want to name a Gochi kid "Gomen" because it literally means "I'm sorry" and I think a word or character for "noodle" is in there, making it the perfect name, but it doesn't seem like a girl's name?
> 
> I'm also trying to come up with names for Gero's wife and son, because yes I'm going there. So far all I've got/what I've been calling them internally is "Pre-21" and "Pre-16". I can't entirely tell what Gero's name pun even is, I think it's the number "Zero"? Because of the numbered androids, I guess? In this fic I've made Pre-21 Commander Red's sister, so maybe "Scarlet" or "Rouge"? Or, if I'm assuming the name pun is "Zero". Then. how about "Decimal?" Or, to rearrange it, "Cimalde" maybe?
> 
> "Gero" is also a Japanese term for "vomit" (and "Gero Gero" is "disgusting" or "the sound a frog makes") but maybe it's meant to be "Gear"?
> 
> ...Is he, to fit the RR scheme, the _colour_ of vomit? Should his wife and son be piss and shit then?
> 
> ...If I named her "blood" that could tie to both Red and Gero maybe? In Japanese that's "Ketsueki" so, or, it occurs to me that General Copper's sex might not be specified in the original Japanese of the manga? And the name is like the folklore Kappa, and Copper is what blood tastes like, and it's used in electronics. And if Gero is a "gear" Copper could be a "Cap"?
> 
> Lotsa options here so far.
> 
> ...Maybe it's Ruby? Like Lapis and Lazuli?

**Author's Note:**

> [I've set up a discord thingy if anyone wants to talk about my fics with me,](https://discord.gg/bCW5B22) ~~even if I'd rather see comments here, tbh~~


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